- Paul Scheer: [on Tim Burton's "The Corpse Bride"] Here's a little fact - that's actually Johnny Depp, not claymation. He's that good.
- Christian Finnegan: If you bought the soundtrack to the motion picture Ray, what you're saying about yourself is, "I'm going to jump on the bandwagon and pretend I've been a lifelong Ray Charles fan."
- [Michael Colton is pretending to have a heart attack]
- John Aboud: Oh no. Someone phunked with his heart.
- Sherrod Small: You see the trailer for King Kong? King Kong is small. King Kong is like, 5'10". I like my King Kong big. I like my Donkey Kong small and my King Kong big. I'm old school.
- [talking about TV drinking games and Celebrity Fit Club]
- Chris Jericho: I like to take a drink every time Gary Busey says something absolutely fucking insane.
- [on the second season of Desperate Housewives]
- Greg Fitzsimmons: I was pretty much done with Desperate Housewives. The men have all been castrated. The women have all been neutered, but all of a sudden we got a black guy locked up in the basement. Hey, hey. TiVo alert.
- [on the Unicef public service announcement featuring the Smurfs]
- Christian Finnegan: The Smurf village was destroyed weeks ago and Bush has still not made an appearance. George Bush doesn't care about tiny blue people.
- [talking about a documentary featuring Albert Einstein]
- Christian Finnegan: This documentary is so sexy, it puts the sex back in quantum phy-sex.
- Michael Colton: The Lost fans are so thorough. If they could only start investigating al-Qaeda, we'd find Bin Laden in like two hours.
- [talking about Lost fans posting theories on the internet]
- Greg Fitzsimmons: It's really helpful to the writers, because they go online and they take the theories and put them into the script, because they've run out of stuff.
- John Aboud: Our government couldn't govern its way out of a paper bag. Oprah just cuts through all the Oprah tape and gets it done.
- Greg Fitzsimmons: If Oprah wants to catch more child molesters, try giving a shoutout on the Jerry Springer show. You'll nab like twenty of them right in the audience.
- Michael Colton: There's nothing Oprah can't do. Remember that budget deficit? You don't hear about that any more.
- John Aboud: Gone.
- Michael Colton: She took care of it.
- John Aboud: It got Oprah-fied.
- Michael Colton: Like a third of her salary.
- Doug Benson: [on the celebrity rescue effort in New Orleans] Oprah didn't just bring herself, she brought her celebrity friends, because when Oprah says, "Jump," they say, "Which couch?"
- Doug Benson: The musical number for Crash was one of the most depressing things I've ever seen. And not because it was about racism, but because it was horrible... and about racism.
- Christian Finnegan: People might say, "What's so great about the Arctic Monkeys? I've never even seen them." Well, you've never seen God either. You're gonna tell me he's not awesome?
- Nick Kroll: I find it kinda weird that Joe Rogan is trading accomplishments with a twenty year old. Like, it's not really that fair. It's like, "I'm twenty, dude. I'm a sophomore in college. You're like sixty five, you know."
- Christian Finnegan: After nearly killing herself, Kristy Yamaoka has been whipping through the talk show circuit at a break-neck pace.
- Greg Fitzsimmons: [to Jessica Simpson] I don't think adopting a child is a good idea given your lifestyle. I think you'd be better off adopting a highway mile.
- [talking about Taylor Hicks' Soul Patrol]
- Christian Finnegan: And what is it they patrol? The Easy Listening section at Sam Goody. You're not going to get to the Josh Groban without going through the Soul Patrol.
- Nick Kroll: Proportionably speaking, Jade is fantasticnatious in the way she can create words and phrasology in a magnification of mannerisms.
- Doug Benson: I was hoping Star Jones and Rosie O'Donnell sat next to each other on the View. Cause then maybe they'd get into a fight... to the death... or worse.
- Paul F. Tompkins: The thing that's great about Gnarles Barkley is that they absolutely deny it has anything to do with Charles Barkley. That's just a lie. That's awesome.
- [on Britney's parenting]
- Paul F. Tompkins: Can we not give her credit for getting him in the car seat? Like, just a couple weeks ago, she had him on the hood. Baby steps, people.
- Sherrod Small: I think somehow science is gonna catch up and Kevin Federline is gonna get that many pregnant.
- Nick Kroll: US Weekly has reported that Britney has laid down an ultimatum. Either Kevin starts respecting Britney and their baby or he only gets like five or six more chances and then she's gonna lay down another ultimatum.
- John Aboud: Sean Preston is what Britney likes to think of as a practice baby.
- Michael Colton: A starter child. It's before you move onto the real one, the trophy child.
- Nick Kroll: Brandon Davis, for those of you who don't know, and God forbid you don't know who Brandon Davis is, he's the son of Marvin Davis, the oil magnate, uh, he used to date Mischa Barton, so that's an accomplishment... and third, he's a fat asshole.
- [on Brandon Davis and Paris Hilton]
- Mike Britt: The audacity. Lindsay's movie bombed? I don't remember House of Wax being nominated for no Oscars either. You got a lot of nerve homegirl.
- [on Brandon Davis and Paris Hilton]
- Mike Britt: Socialites and heiresses should shut the fuck up. Who the hell is Brandon Davis? He's a socialite. You know what that is, people? That's somebody rich that just hangs out.
- [on Wilmer Valderrama]
- Doug Benson: The thing is girls will always say you're lying when you say you had sex with them when you're lying about having sex with them.
- Christian Finnegan: I think I speak for America when I say, "nothing says NASCAR like Whoopi Goldberg."
- Sherrod Small: [on Hilary Duff and Lindsay Lohan] I can finally sleep, actually, now that these two white girls aren't beefing.
- Chuck Nice: If you're dealing with FOX, make sure they're going to pay you enough money to buy a new life, because they're certainly going to ruin the one you have now.
- Miss Info: [Holding a high-energy drink] This is Crunk Juice. This is Lil Jon's drink. If Crunk Juice in any way, shape, or form, makes you look like him. Beware!
- Rachael Harris: It is rough being a beauty. These "Top Models" are hurting. Okay. And, we need to respect them.
- Mo Rocca: Anyone who has read the life of the Saints knows that St. Patrick was very Christlike... he changed water into Schlitz. And it was for things like that, that we honor him.
- Judah Friedlander: This movie about Heidi Fleiss is like Rocky for whores: girl that moves to Hollywood, she decides to become a slut, and she made her dreams come true.
- Jacqui Malouf: [on news that daughter Kelly Osbourne was in rehab] Ozzy was dumbfounded when he heard the news. He dropped his bong.
- Chuck Nice: Ernie and Bert have been cohabiting for thirty five years, they live in a five bedroom apartment, but they sleep in the same bedroom. Suspicious?
- Christian Finnegan: I think it's really funny watching all the people that have been booted off The Apprentice trying to pretend as if they respect the two guys that are still there. They obviously think these two guys are jackasses.