Max & Paddy's Road to Nowhere (2004)

Peter Kay: Max, Brian Potter, Marc Park

Photos 

Quotes 

• [repeated line] 

  Max : Thatcher's Britain.

• Max : She was a kind of midget

  Paddy : Isn't that a Queen song?

• [repeated line] 

  Max : How Dare You!

• Max : I'm going to get in touch with Tina. She knows we're innocent, she knows the truth.

  Paddy : Well you'd better do it quick. Its all right for you, you know. A good looking lad like me is a valuable commodity in here you know.

  Max : Its all right I've seen a pay phone and... What do mean its all right for me?

  Paddy : When Paddy steps in those showers, them lads will think its Christmas morning. They'll ride me like a Blackpool Donkey.

  Max : Well what we've got to do, is make them lot think that me and you are a couple of hard nuts. Let them think we're a couple of big time gangsters. Come on chest out, chin up! We're doing a bit of bird as per! Me and you, Tango and Cash, Magnet and Steel! What do you say?

  Paddy : I'm going to get bummed.

• Paddy : It's called personal hygiene, Max. You should try it sometime.

  Max : What's that supposed to mean?

  Paddy : In a nutshell: You stink.

• Max : [after being arrested for hijacking a school bus]  This is clearly a case of mistaken identity.

  Paddy : You what? Forty kids on a coach, what did we think it were, a stag party?

• Paddy : Chuck us some water flower.

  Max : [hands Paddy a bottle of water]  It wouldn't hurt you to show some manners after all they are free.

  Paddy : [studying Bottle]  Hang on what's this? Bottled in the mountains of Afganistan? I bet Osama's had a bath in this. Why do you keep buying all this cheap rubbish like 4p Beans and Al Queda water?

• Paddy : [approaches dancers]  Alright love? Here's 10p go and phone yer mum, tell her you won't be home tonight.

  Dancing Girl 1 : I've got a mobile, dickhead!

  Paddy : [Paddy moves onto next group]  Ladies think of a number between one and ten.

  Dancing Girl 2 : Eight.

  Paddy : You lose, now take your tops off!

  Dancing Girl 2 : Fuck off!

  Paddy : [approaches another girl]  Hey there, can you catch love?

  Dancing Girl 3 : Why?

  Paddy : Because there is a couple of balls coming your way.

  [Girl holds up a mechanical claw hand] 

  Paddy : Dave is that you mate?

  [Paddy quickly moves off] 

  Paddy : I don't understand it, those lines are tried and tested.

  Max : You mean they're tired and tested more like it. Woman in this day an age don't want that. Woman today like a bit of romance, like a bit of sensitivity.

  Paddy : Where'd you learn that?

  Max : Watching Trisha.

• Max : [remembering an old girlfriend]  I almost threw her out for being Under age...

  Paddy : Under age? How old was she you dirty dog?

  Max : No, she was old enough it was just that she was, she was a kind of midget.

  Paddy : Ain't that a Queen song?

  Max : No you clown...

  Paddy : You mean she was a dwarf?

  Max : No she wasn't a dwarf, she was a midget.

  Paddy : There's no difference...

  Max : There is actually! Mr Politically Incorrect. Dwarfs for your information are in the circus and do cartwheels. Midgets are like normal people just shrunk down.

  Paddy : Well you live and learn.

• Cliff Richard : Hi, Guys. Do you fancy a game of tennis? Mixed Doubles?

  Paddy : I've told you, we've no balls Cliff.

  Cliff Richard : That's okay you can play with mine. See you down there.

  Max : Bloody Hell! What's he in for?

  Paddy : Have you never heard 'Wired for Sound'?

• Max : [after being caught by a speed camera]  Can ya not blame it on the music?

  Paddy : No, I don't think that'll hold up in court, Max, reasons for speeding - Status Quo.

• Wolf-ster : You're not Patrick O'Shea?

  Max : You know him?

  Wolf-ster : Everyone knew Spazzy Paddy. Where's your calipers and your brace?

  Paddy : Long time ago that.

  Wolf-ster : He was worth more for scrap. You don't remember me do you? My sister you to babysit him. He were a right dirty little sod.

  Max : Oh I?

  Wolf-ster : We had to rush him to hospital one night, he'd only stuck Okay Wan Benobi up his arsehole, he was always at it...

  Max : Obi Wan Kenobi...

  Wolf-ster : Bootshakka...

  Max : Chewbacca...

  Wolf-ster : C3-D2...

  Max : PO...

  Wolf-ster : Star Trek mad he was.

  Max : Star wars Wolf-Ster, Star Wars.

  Paddy : Like I say long time ago that Wolfie.

• Max : [trying to talk to school kids]  Yo this is Maxster MC, listen up Posse. Can I get a Re-E-Wind.

  [to Paddy] 

  Max : I'm getting down with kids.

• Max : [over Bus PA System]  Do we have a Daniel Wolfsten on board a.k.a. The Wolfster?

  Child on Bus : No he's not here!

  Max : You what?

  Child on Bus : He catches the other bus.

  Paddy : You what?

  Max : There's another bus! Oh no you Mo-Fo that's Proper-Whack that.

• Max : [trying to talk to school kids]  Yo this is the Maxster MC, listen up Posse. Can I get a Re-E-Wind.

  [to Paddy] 

  Max : I'm getting down with kids.

• Max : You have no respect for women do you?

  Paddy : No. Do you know why? Because they only want you for one thing, Everything!

• Paddy : [Max and Paddy are in prison]  Look, you've got get me out of here. I can't take anymore more of that Millennium Prayer.

  Max : I've already made a start, check the door. I did this last night when everyone was asleep.

  [Lifts a poster on wall to reveal three scratch marks] 

  Paddy : What is that?

  Max : Escape Tunnel.

  [Paddy starts crying] 

  Max : Whoa, Whoa, Whoa come on man, get a grip you're coming apart.

  Paddy : Where you tunneling to? The next cell?

  Max : [Max exits cell and sees the mistake he's made]  Oh shit!

• Bouncer : Empty your pockets please, sir

  [Max empties pockets onto desk] 

  Bouncer : Afro comb!

  Max : [turns to Paddy]  You never know! You never know!

  Bouncer : Pound-coin holder! Empty! One key attached to one keyring

  [reads from keyring] 

  Bouncer : "I've stroked a beaver at Drayton Manor"! Have you now?

  [Max nods] 

  Bouncer : sign here please!

  Max : [signs document]  What do i do now?

  Bouncer : just through there please, sir

  [Max leaves making Paddy first in line] 

  Bouncer : Name?

  Paddy : Patrick O'Shay!

  Bouncer : Empty your pockets please, sir

  [Paddy empties pockets onto desk] 

  Bouncer : one pornographic magazine, the Finger Club! One pack of condoms, ripped for the lady's pleasure. Flavour: Biscuit.

• Brian Potter : Here, I've got a cake here for you, Holy Mary made this.

  Max : A Cake!

  Brian Potter : Yeah, you know, a cake?

  Max : I know what a cake is, what do we want a cake for?

  Paddy : No, he means a cake. I know what you mean, you mean a "Cake", don't you?

  Brian Potter : Yeah, that's right a "Cake".

  [Brian winks] 

  Max : Oh a "Cake", you mean a "Cake". What's in this "Cake"?

  [Max getting excited] 

  Brian Potter : Sponge and a bit of Jam. What do you want son? It's real life, this, not the frigging Shawshank Redemption. If you hadn't stolen a bus filled with kiddies, you wouldn't be in this mess!