- Russell: Check it out guy, he's the alpha male of the store... chicks always go after the alpha male, they're like lions... kings of the desert. And you, you're just a little tiny fieldmouse dangling in the teeth of the lion while he's banging your chick. Oh wait a minute... boxboy, you're like the little hairy nutsack on the little hairy fieldmouse swinging back and forth while he's banging your chick...
- Zack: [on radio] You're metaphors are magical, but shut the hell up! please?
- Russell: [on radio] Roger... just going back and forth hairy calahari style in and out with his big...
- Lon: Wow, that's gotta hurt. I mean, he's always doin' that to you. Stealing your thunder. You remember the red head? In gardening? Boinked her behind the monkey grass. And the asian in automotive? Did her on a pile of carburetors. Oh, and the blonde in frozen foods, with the... Doink! Doink! Turkeys done! Remember her?
- [Lon sticks his fingers out of his chest]
- [a grumpy lady struggles to load a casket onto a cart]
- Grumpy Lady: Damn! The thing's heavier than it looks.
- Zack: Hi, do you need some help with that?
- Grumpy Lady: Yes, thank you.
- [they get the casket into the cart]
- Grumpy Lady: It's for my husband.
- Zack: Oh, I'm sorry to hear about that.
- Grumpy Lady: Oh, he's not dead. Not yet. It's just too good a deal to pass up.
- Zack: Well, do you need some help getting it to your car?
- Grumpy Lady: No, thank you. The lazy prick's waiting for me. I'm gonna make him load it.
- Zack: Well, good luck murdering your husband.
- [the grumpy lady laughs]
- Zack: If you need my help, holler.
- [on her way out of the store, the grumpy lady addresses Dirk]
- Grumpy Lady: Excuse me.
- Dirk: Yes?
- Grumpy Lady: That young man is wonderful. I'll be back for sure, just because of him.
- Dirk: [looks at Vince] Oh, that man there? No surprise.
- Grumpy Lady: No.
- [the grumpy lady goes over to Zack]
- Grumpy Lady: This is the guy. He's a wonderful fella.
- Dirk: Well, thank you. May I help you find your way to your car?
- Grumpy Lady: I know where it is. Idiot.
- Russell: Oh yeah, that picture goes up on the wall she slides into the sack faster than a singed Koala bear looking for an all night burn center.
- [while Vince and Jorje are in Zack's house, changing all the clocks, his grandmother comes into the room. Jorge takes out a knife]
- Vince: What are you doing? There are no weapons in this mission. I will not do time for you. I will roll over on you.
- [Zack calls Timeout to give the Super Club Softball Team an inspirational pep talk]
- Zack: Grab a knee. C'mon.
- [All the members of the Super Club Softball Team takes a knee]
- Zack: We can win this. And we can win this the Super Club way. Ok? And until today, I didn't even know what that meant. In fact, I still don't. But I do know this; we are a team out here. I mean look at us. Glenn Ross.
- [Zack points to Glenn Ross]
- Zack: I thought you were going to be a stuffed shirt out here. But the way you took out that catcher, are you kidding me? You're the balls, man. You're the balls and the tank. You're that whole region.
- [Zack points to the Catcher]
- Zack: And you? I don't even know you on a personal level. But you sign up for my paychecks. That's a good thing.
- Zack: Amy, you're wonderful. Don't change a thing.
- Zack: Glenn Gary, you got us pink uniforms, yes. But you know what, that's what unites us. These uniforms unites us, because we are all pink on the inside. Right?
- Vince: Yeah, pink like vaginas.
- [awkward silence]
- Zack: Good guess, Vince.
- [after Vince is revealed to have been giving stuff away, he runs off. Semi tackles him to the ground]
- Vince: [writhes in pain] Now I know why they call you "Semi".
- [while Zack is recovering from running into a wooden pallet]
- Semi: And if you pass out, you call 911!
- Russell: Think about it guys, we could be working over there at Maxi-Mart and that place really sucks. Pass me the chips there, eight balls.
- [Iqbal passes a bulk size bag of chips]
- Lon: Plus, I hear they make you wear those house-arrest ankle bracelet things, so they know where you are all the time and if you leave the main floor, you get a little shocker.
- [Lon blows a party kazoo]
- Russell: True. I knew a guy in upper management, man, went crazy. Strapped one of those things around his hairy ballsack, ran out in the parking lot and blew a three dollar Hawaiian wonder cooler all over the place.
- Iqbal: Ids-kay, ids-kay.
- Russell: Knocked the little Korean kid right out of shopping basket.
- Granny: Why aren't you dressed for work? Isn't today the big day?
- Zack: I quit.
- Granny: Why?
- Zack: I screwed up Grams. Amy hates me. My friends hate me. Everybody's right about me. I'm a loser.
- Granny: Well, you're certainly dressed for the part.
- Zack: Thanks Grams.
- Granny: You know that loser that lost all my retirement money? Well, at least that guy actually tried. I'll take the old Zack any day.
- [Zack holds up a mop, preparing to go clean up a spill, when Vince appears out of a break room with a mop]
- Zack: You have got to be kidding MEEEEEEEEEEE!
- Glen Gary: [shouting harshly] Vince Downey, you are a disgrace to me and Super Club! I am not proud of you!