Two Weeks (2006)

Ben Chaplin: Keith Bergman

Photos 

Quotes 

• Keith Bergman : You forgot to tell them how to wipe their asses. Is it front to back or back to front?

• Keith Bergman : Hi, I'm meeting my mother and I didn't see her come off the plane.

  Customer Service Rep : Sir, this is the luggage office.

  Keith Bergman : Right, she's about this big

  [holds hands about a foot apart] 

  Keith Bergman : coming on the 245 from Charlotte and she's probably addressed to me, that's Keith Bergman.

• Keith Bergman : That's what love is all about... blood, IVs, and puking.

• Anita Bergman : ...and then I started to cry and my nose was running because you were the ugliest baby I'd ever seen... so ugly.

  Keith Bergman : Yeah, but I... I got better looking right?

  Anita Bergman : ...

• Barry Bergman : How's it coming?

  Emily Bergman : Well, I got pretty good when I skipped school but it's been a while.

  Barry Bergman : Forgery's like riding a bicycle, you never forget how... I've heard.

  Matthew Bergman : What do I get to do?

  Keith Bergman : You're driving the get-away car.

• Keith Bergman : If you hear gunfire, make sure the engine's running, doors are unlocked.

• Keith Bergman : Well, the confessing thing worked out for you, but next time just rat out Barry, he's already got a record.

  Barry Bergman : Blow me.

• Keith Bergman : Left your cell phone.

  Barry Bergman : Yep

  Keith Bergman : Don't you think we should bring it?

  Barry Bergman : Nope, you want to find out your mother died in the cereal aisle of Sir Buy-a-Lot?

  Keith Bergman : Nope.

• Keith Bergman : My mom brought me up that there was a solution to every problem. So tell me...

  [leans into intercom mic] 

  Keith Bergman : who do I have to fuck, to get the Sir Buy a Lot discount on my orange juice?

  [in the parking lot] 

  Barry Bergman : I've never been thrown out of a grocery store.