Comedy Central Presents (TV Series)

Stephen Lynch (2000)

Stephen Lynch: Self

Quotes 

• Stephen Lynch : Now, I think we should get right to the story, and I've brought a very special one for you today. It's called, the Story of Steven and His Hilariously Funny Songs of a Suggestive and Questionable Nature. Lets get right to it, shall we?

• Stephen Lynch : Hush little girl, sweet baby don't cry, tonight / daddy is here and he'll sing you a soft lullaby, tonight / Why can't it all, be like it was before? / How can I explain why mommy's not here anymore? / 'Cuz daddy likes porno and ten-dollar whores / daddy gets wasted and robs liquor stores / daddy likes rubbing against little boys on the bus / I think that's why mommy left us / Mommy left us / Hush, little girl, there is no reason to fret, tonight / Don't mind the smoke, daddy just wants to forget,

  [inhales sharply] 

  Stephen Lynch : tonight

  [exhales] 

  Stephen Lynch : / Soon it will all be like it was before / Any minute she will walk through that front door / But daddy plays poker and drinks lots of beer / then he wants sex that involves mommy's rear / Daddy has sores on his naughty parts oozing with pus / I think that's why mommy left us / Please, don't cry / I swear I'll try / to be here by your side... / right after daddy gets home from the bar / visits his bookie and steals a new car / he'll drive to the strip club, and if daddy plays his cards right / he'll bring home your new mommy tonight / lye dee dye, lye dye dye dee dye dye dee duh...

• Stephen Lynch : Boys and girls, that was it! He knew how to make himself happy. He would write music and play songs. Not only would this make him happy but, surely he would get lots of ass too.

• Stephen Lynch : Now kids, you can make your very own superhero. If you could, who would it be?

  [sings] 

  Stephen Lynch : If I could be a superhero, would you be, Justice Guy? / Making sure people get what they deserve, especially women who lie / Like if a wife left her husband with three kids and no job / to run off to fuckin' Hawaii with some doctor named Bob / You could skin them and drain them of all of their blood so they'd die

  [under breath] 

  Stephen Lynch : especially Bob / And you would be Justice Guy / Or you could be more subtle, no I didn't mean to be vague / give her the Mad Cow Disease, let him die of the Plague / as long as they suffer for their terrible lies

  [under breath] 

  Stephen Lynch : especially Bob / Then you would be Justice Guy / Yes then you would be / a su - per - hero like meeeee.

• Stephen Lynch : If I were gay, I would give you my soul, if I were gay, I would give you my hole... being, if I were gay, we would tear down the walls, but I'm not gay, so won't you stop cupping my... hand.