Bernard and Doris (2006)

Waldo Taft : Lucky thing you knowing the judge.

Doris Duke : Oh, I know a lot of people.

Waldo Taft : He seemed awfully happy to see you.

Doris Duke : Ah, well, yes. We had a little moment in the coatroom of the Phillips Club about 20 years ago.

Waldo Taft : I don't find that funny.

Doris Duke : You would if you'd been there.

Waldo Taft : Vice President Bush wants to honor you at his next fundraiser. I think you should consider it.

Doris Duke : Oh, that's sweet. Just tell him my dance card is full, thanks.

Doris Duke : [on the intercom] Come on, baby. Get back here. Ben, where are you? I'm missing you.

Ben : [to Bernard] Good evening, Sir.

Doris Duke : [to Bernard] She's one of those Nurse Ratched types, you know. The Nazis in the white sneakers.

Doris Duke : Lafferty, your outfit. Well you look like a God damn undertaker. I mean, do you think you can lighten up a little bit.

Bernard Lafferty : Of course. I could do that.

Doris Duke : [singing] I don't need a million dollars to make my dreams come true, / Baby, all I need is you. / I don't need a fortune teller to tell my troubles to,

Doris Duke , Bernard Lafferty : [singing] Baby, all I need is you.

Doris Duke : I assume you have credentials. Elizabeth Taylor, Peggy Lee. What? Do you have a thing for entertainers, Mr. Rafferty?

Bernard Lafferty : Lafferty. I beg your pardon, Miss Duke. It's Lafferty with an L.

Doris Duke : It says you haven't worked for six months.

Bernard Lafferty : I had a, a wee health problem.

Doris Duke : Drugs or alcohol?

Bernard Lafferty : Erm...

Doris Duke : I assume it's under control.

Bernard Lafferty : I assure you it's all in the past now.

Doris Duke : Right.

Bernard Lafferty : Good evening, Miss Duke. Ma'am.

Doris Duke : Who the hell are you?

Bernard Lafferty : I'm here about the job, dear. From the agency. These are my references.

Doris Duke : Get me a sherry.

Bernard Lafferty : Yes, ma'am.

Doris Duke : What do you want from me? From me.

Bernard Lafferty : Miss Duke?

Doris Duke : What do you want? I mean, you don't fuck me, do you?

Bernard Lafferty : No, I don't.

Doris Duke : You don't steal from me. Do you steal from me?

Bernard Lafferty : No, I don't.

Doris Duke : Well then what do you want from me?

Bernard Lafferty : I just want to take care of you.

Doris Duke : How do you like living in my world so far, Bernard?

Bernard Lafferty : I like it very much.

Doris Duke : Who wouldn't?

[first lines]

Doris Duke : Ugh! What is this?

First Butler : Cantaloupe, ma'am.

Doris Duke : [singing] I'm right at the gates of heaven and I can pass right through.

Doris Duke , Bernard Lafferty : [singing] Baby, all I need is you.

Bernard Lafferty : Brava!

Patrolman : Who's your friend?

Doris Duke : Oh, that's the Sultan of Brunei.

Patrolman : Welcome to New Jersey.

Bernard Lafferty : Thanks.

Waldo Taft : [about Bernard] He's a bad influence, Doris.

Doris Duke : I like him.

Waldo Taft : Doris, I've seen you figure people out in ten seconds. You are a brilliant judge of character. Why can't you see this guy is up to something?

Bernard Lafferty : Welcome home, Miss Duke.

Doris Duke : Thank you, Lafferty. I am so glad to be back. Oh, my goodness, look at you. Look at your hair.

Doris Duke : Look, your present. Voila. For you.

Bernard Lafferty : What?

Doris Duke : Here.

Bernard Lafferty : That's for me?

Doris Duke : That's for you. Try it on.

Bernard Lafferty : No, it isn't.

Doris Duke : Come on. Don't be simple. Put your arm in.

Bernard Lafferty : It's a caftan, isn't it?

Doris Duke : Yes, it is. An antique caftan. Oh, it's perfect. How brilliant am I? That's gorgeous. Perfect.

Bernard Lafferty : Oh, thank you. It's just beautiful. It's hand embroided isn't it?

Doris Duke : It certainly is.

Bernard Lafferty : I can't believe it. It's the most beautiful present I ever had.

Doris Duke : Uh-huh.

Bernard Lafferty : It is. I feel like, I feel like Lawrence of Arabia.

Waldo Taft : For all I knew you might have been locked in the attic like Baby Jane.

Doris Duke : That's Blanche. Baby Jane had the keys.

Doris Duke : I sometimes wear bed socks when I sleep. I've done so since I was a little girl, and if I should be wearing my bed socks when I fall of the twig, I would like you to please remove them from my feet before the coroner gets there. I don't want to look like a complete idiot.

Bernard Lafferty : Yes, sure.

Doris Duke : And no fancy speeches. No press. And I would like you to dress me in something casual. Life is a journey, after all, and I refuse to go into that box wearing an evening gown or something equally stupid.

Bernard Lafferty : Yes, sure.

Doris Duke : Make it a natural fiber, not man-made. Silk might be a good idea. I want to demonstrate my solidarity with nature.

Bernard Lafferty : Of course.

Doris Duke : I could come back as a tree, or a bird or a bug, or... who knows? Will you do that for me, Lafferty?

Bernard Lafferty : Yes.

Doris Duke : Promise?

Bernard Lafferty : I promise.

Doris Duke : I must have lost my mind to believe a fucker like you.