Tower Heist (2011)

Ben Stiller: Josh Kovaks

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Quotes 

• Josh Kovacs : To get in the building, we have to avoid seven exterior cameras and six doormen who work at two entrance points in rotating shifts. Once inside, we'll be faced with four security officers who monitor a bank of twelve internal cameras, as well as two security guards who vary the patrol route each day. If we make it through all that, we still have to get through this gauntlet of employees to get to the elevators. Questions?

  Slide : Yeah! Who that girl in the red dress? She got the kind of titties I like to play with.

  Charlie : That's Mary-Ann from sales; she's a lesbian.

  Josh Kovacs : Okay, that's irrelevant.

  Mr. Fitzhugh : Mary-Ann is a lesbian? She was married when she sold me my unit.

  Charlie : She makes lesbian sex with Lynn Rutherford from accounting.

  Josh Kovacs : Okay.

  Mr. Fitzhugh : Lynn is a lesbian?

  Enrique Dev'Reaux : Wait, I'm lost. How many lesbians total do we have to avoid?

  Josh Kovacs : None; we're not avoiding lesbians.

  Slide : I don't avoid lesbians at all; I seek lesbians out. Lesbians got the nicest titties. Straight women, they have guys pulling and yanking on them and sweating on them. Lesbians get touch delicately by other lesbians; It's nice.

  Josh Kovacs : Did anyone just take in what I just said?

  Charlie : Well, it seems like there's a gauntlet of lesbians.

  Josh Kovacs : No. The... Alright, I'm just gonna keep going.

• [from trailer] 

  Josh Kovacs : The average apartment in the Tower costs 5.6 million dollars. We have the best views, the most advanced security systems, but you know what these people are really buying?

  Enrique Dev'Reaux : White neighbors?

• Josh Kovacs : He's been arrested a bunch of times. He pays no income taxes. He's got 2 Doberman Pinschers. So let's show him some respect, OK?

• Arthur Shaw : What are you doing?

  Josh Kovacs : I'm sacrificing my Queen.

• [from trailer] 

  Josh Kovacs : Several years ago, he was asked to manage all your pensions. Right now, they're saying that anyone who invested with Mr Shaw has been frauded.

  Odessa Montero : Did he get your money too?

  Josh Kovacs : ...Yeah. He did.

• [from trailer] 

  Slide : How come you bailed me out? Man, I don't even know your name!

  Josh Kovacs : You don't remember Mrs Schaltzberg? We used to get dropped at her house every day for daycare! Heavy-set German woman, short goatee.

  Slide : You the little seizure boy that's having seizures all the time!

  Josh Kovacs : Asthma doesn't cause seizures!

• [from trailer] 

  Arthur Shaw : You people are working stiffs, clock-punchers. Easily replaced.

  Josh Kovacs : I don't care what it takes. I will find a way to make it right.

• [from trailer] 

  Charlie : We're not criminals. We don't know how to steal...

  Josh Kovacs : Don't worry. I know someone who does.

• [from trailer] 

  Slide : You know this was a bad idea, right?

  Josh Kovacs : That's it, I don't want you talking to me for the rest of the robbery!

• [from trailer] 

  Slide : A robbery can change very quickly. You have to be ready to adapt to the situation at any moment. Anything can happen. I was on a job a few days ago and my homie got shot in the face!

  Josh Kovacs : If you get shot in the face, it's over.

  Slide : If you get shot in your HEAD, it's over. If you get shot in your FACE, the bullet will go through your cheek and come out the other side! Then, what you gonna do?

  Mr. Fitzhugh : Die! I'm gonna die!

• [from trailer] 

  Mr. Fitzhugh : I'm thinking of becoming a male prostitute...

  Josh Kovacs : I think I might have a better idea.

• [from trailer] 

  Charlie : We're gonna go to jail! We're gonna die! Probably both!

  Josh Kovacs : Yes! Yes! Yes! Join me!

• Josh Kovacs : Odessa, did he take the cake?

  Odessa Montero : He's allergic to chocolate. I had to beat him.

• Josh Kovacs : Do you like working here?

  Enrique Dev'Reaux : I cry at night.

• Josh Kovacs : We go on Snoopy.