Knocked Up (2007)
Seth Rogen: Ben Stone
Photos
Quotes
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Ben Stone : Do you want to do it doggie style?
Alison Scott : You're not going to fuck me like a dog.
Ben Stone : It's doggie style. It's just the style. We don't have to go outside or anything.
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Ben Stone : Hey Doc Howard, Ben Stone calling, guess what the fuck's up? Allison is going into labor and you are not fucking here, you know where you're at? Your at a fucking bar mitzvah in San Francisco you motherfucking piece of shit, and you know what I'm gonna have to do now? I'm going have to kill you, I'm gonna pop a fucking cap in your ass. You're dead, you're Tupac, you are fucking Biggie you piece of shit, I hope you fucking die or drop the chair and kill that fucking kid... I hope your plane crashes, peace fucker!
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Alison Scott : I was drunk!
Ben Stone : Was your vagina drunk?
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Ben Stone : [watching Cheaper by the Dozen after taking mushrooms] This isn't funny. This guy's got twelve kids, that's not funny. That's a lot of responsibility to just be... laughing about. This is sick. This is a sick movie. I gotta turn this off. It's freaking me out.
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Ben Stone : Yeah, it's a cure-all. My buddy Jonah broke his elbow one time. He just smoked some weed. It still clicks, but it's cool.
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Alison Scott : I'm pregnant.
Ben Stone : Pregnant... with emotion?
Alison Scott : Pregnant with a baby.
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Jonah : We got pinkeye.
Ben Stone : Were you giving butterfly kisses or something?
Jason : Ha ha ha, very funny That's not how you get pinkeye. You get it from poo particles making their way into your ocular cavities.
Jay : Um, I farted on Jason's pillow as a practical joke. He farted on Jonah's, thinking it was mine, and then eventually pinkeyed my pillow. I'm not proud any of this, but I think we're all forgiven each other. Um, but we can't go anywhere.
Pete : You can get pinkeye from farting in a pillow?
Jonah : Totally!
Pete : That's awesome!
Jonah : Jesus, Martin got it bad. What, did someone take a dump on your eye?
Martin : No. No pinkeye for me. I'm just really... high.
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Ben Stone : Your face looks like Robin Williams' knuckles.
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Ben Stone : Fuck you, hormones!
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Ben Stone : I'd like to be in there with Alison without you.
Debbie : OK. I understand how you feel, but this isn't up to you.
Ben Stone : Look, Debbie. You are high off your ass if you think you're coming into that room. If you take one step towards that door, I will tell security there's a crazy chick in a pink dress snatching up babies, ok? So don't even try to come into that room, that's my room now. That little area with the Pepsi machine, that's your area. My room, your area, stay in your area, stay out of my room, back... the... fuck... off.
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Alison Scott : Why don't you go fuck your fucking bong you fuck!
Ben Stone : I will! I'll do it doggy style, too! For once!
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Alison Scott : I love your curly hair! It's great... do you use product or anything?
Ben Stone : No... I use, uh, jew it's called.
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Ben Stone : You know, the best thing for a hangover is weed. Do you smoke weed?
Alison Scott : Not really.
Ben Stone : You don't?
Alison Scott : No.
Ben Stone : At all?
Alison Scott : Uh-uh.
Ben Stone : Like... in the morning?
Alison Scott : No... I just... don't.
Ben Stone : It is, like, the best medicine. 'Cause it fixes everything. Jonah broke his elbow once. We just... got high and... it still clicks but, I mean, he's ok.
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Alison Scott : I hope your apartment's big enough for the three of us.
Ben Stone : Oh it definitely is. That's why I got one in East LA. The rent, it's HUGE. The only thing is we have to decide if we're gonna be Crips or Bloods before we get there.
Alison Scott : Well, I look good in red.
Ben Stone : I look good in blue... The fighting continues.
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Alison Scott : [to Debbie] What do you think? He's funny, right?
Ben Stone : [to Debbie's kids] Fetch!
Debbie : [to Alison] He's playing fetch... with my kids... he's treating my kids like they're dogs.
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Ben Stone : Now that's how you get pink eye.
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Ben Stone : [to bartender] You're going to be embarrassed when you realize I'm Wilmer Valderama.
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Ben Stone : I live in your phone!
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Young Doctor : How long you kids been married?
Ben Stone : We're not married.
Young Doctor : Are you single?
Ben Stone : She's not single, she's just not married.
Young Doctor : Are you two together?
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Ben Stone : [laughing while Pete and Debbie are fighting several feet away] That guy said 'Don't let the door hit your vagina on the way out!'
Alison Scott : I heard him.
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Alison Scott : I'm sorry I told you to fuck your bong.
Ben Stone : It's okay... I didn't...
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[Alison's friends see she's pregnant]
Ben Stone : You know how they say to never drink and drive? Well, never drink and bone.
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Alison Scott : Why don't you go FUCK your FUCKING Bong?
Ben Stone : I will! I'll do it doggy style, too! For once!
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Ben Stone : What time is it?
Alison Scott : 7:30
Ben Stone : Why the fuck are we awake? Let's go back to sleep.
Alison Scott : I have to go to work.
Ben Stone : Really?
Alison Scott : Uh, do you need to... get to work or anything?
Ben Stone : No, I'm uh... no work today hahahaha.
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[Ben and Pete are tripping on mushrooms in their hotel room. Ben watches "Cheaper by the Dozen" while Pete arranges chairs]
Ben Stone : This isn't funny. Guy has 12 kids? That's not funny, that's... this is sick. This is a sick movie. That's a lotta responsibility to be joking about, that's not funny. I gotta turn this off, it's freakin' me out.
Pete : There are five different types of chairs in this hotel room.
Ben Stone : Holy fuck, what are they all doing in here?
Pete : These are five different types of chairs.
Ben Stone : Get 'em outta here, man. This is too many chairs for one room.
Pete : There's a guy that works for this hotel, his whole job is to find chairs. Look at this one. Look at it, it's gold and red and it's kinda shiny? Shiny thread? Unbelievable. It is beautif - and it feels amazing.
Ben Stone : The tall one's gawking at me, and the short one's being very droll. I don't like them.
Pete : [sits down on the chair] Oh, wow!
Ben Stone : It's weird that chairs even exist when you're not sitting on them.
Pete : [sitting with his feet in the air] I'm up high. I'm really high up.
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Ben Stone : You think I'm an inventor? "He created a dick-skin condom, He hollowed out a penis and put it on", what the fuck?
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Alison Scott : I'm actually doing my first on-air interview today.
Ben Stone : With who?
Alison Scott : Uh, Matthew Fox.
Ben Stone : Matthew Fox from Lost?
Alison Scott : Yeah.
Ben Stone : You know what's interesting about him?
Alison Scott : What?
Ben Stone : Nothing!
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Ben Stone : [to Alison] I'm sorry I'm sweating on you...
Alison Scott : Okay, just stop talking.
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Ben Stone : If any of us get laid tonight, it's because of Eric Bana in "Munich."
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Ben Stone : Oh yeah... It's a girl. Buy some pink shit!
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[last lines]
Ben Stone : No, these guys can honk all they want, I ain't going faster than 12. It might take us around three hours to get home, though.
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Ben Stone : Think they'll take us back?
Pete : Yes. But I don't know why. Do you ever wonder how somebody could even like you?
Ben Stone : All the time, man. Like, every day. I wonder how you like me.
Pete : How can Debbie like me? She likes me. I mean, she loves me. The biggest problem in our marriage is that she wants me around. She loves me so much that she wants me around all the time. That's our biggest problem, and I can't even accept that?
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[Alison says that she isn't going to tell her employers that she is pregnant]
Ben Stone : It is a good plan, until her water breaks all over Robert De Niro's shoes.
[doing a bad Robert De Niro impression]
Ben Stone : "My shoes! Hey, there's all this baby goo on it."
Pete : [doing a much better Robert De Niro impression] These shoes? Hey... on these shoes? Did you puke on my shoes? Did you puke on my shoes?
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Ben Stone : [during earthquake] FUCK ME!
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Ben Stone : [Ben knocks on the door at Sadie's birthday party and Sadie answers] Oh Hey! What up dawg?
Sadie : Where have you been?
Ben Stone : Around, you know... just kinda doing my thing!
Sadie : Why is everybody so mad at you?
Ben Stone : I don't know are they mad what have they been saying?
Sadie : They've been saying like Blah, blah, blah, blah blah. Ben's a prick.
Ben Stone : They said that?
Sadie : A lot!
Ben Stone : That sucks!
Sadie : [intrigued] What does it mean?
Ben Stone : [Ben hesitates] Penis... means penis
Sadie : Oh...
[giggles]
Sadie : Penis
[Sadie turns her back and Ben walks in]
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Ben Stone : [while tripping on mushrooms] Isn't weird how chairs exist even when you're not sitting on them?
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Ben Stone : Our baby is going to be French Canadian.
Alison Scott : And a little bit Spanish...?
Ben Stone : Yeah, I'm not very good with accents.
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Alison Scott : Hey...
Ben Stone : I'm naked.
Alison Scott : Yeah.
Ben Stone : [whispers] Did we have sex?
Alison Scott : Yes.
Ben Stone : Nice.
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[while tripping on mushrooms]
Ben Stone : [sadly] I shoulda read the baby books.
Pete : Why didn't you read the baby books?
Ben Stone : 'Cause then it's real, you know?
Pete : Dude, it's real whether or not you read those books, that baby's comin'.
[he moves to another chair]
Pete : Oh, man.
Ben Stone : Think they'll take us back?
Pete : Yes. But I don't know why. Do you ever wonder how somebody could even like you?
Ben Stone : All the time, man, like every day. I wonder how YOU like me.
Pete : How can Debbie like me? She likes me. I m - she LOVES me. The biggest problem in our marriage is that she wants me around. She loves me so much that she wants me around all the time. That's our biggest problem, and I can't even accept that - like, that upsets me?
Ben Stone : What?
Pete : She's the one. She loves me.
Ben Stone : You can't believe people love you? We love you, man! Debbie loves you!
Pete : I don't think I can accept her love. There's something wrong with me.
Ben Stone : You can't accept love?
Pete : [choking up] I don't know what it is.
Ben Stone : Love, the most beautiful, shiny, warming thing in the world? You can't accept it?
Pete : I have to go to this other chair.
[he moves]
Pete : Oh, this is a better energy.
Ben Stone : You can't accept pure love? You can't accept Debbie? She's chosen to give you her life. She's picked you as her life partner! But you play fantasy baseball because you can't accept her love?
[he belches and groans]
Ben Stone : I could accept it, man!
[Pete grimaces and sticks his hand in his mouth]
Ben Stone : And Debbie's amazing, man. She's cool, and she's funny, and she smells good, and she's nice, and her hair always looks different... she's too good for you, man.
[Pete takes his hand out of his mouth and stares at it in amazement]
Pete : Tastes like a rainbow.
Ben Stone : You're disgusting, you're an urchin. And she busts your balls 'cause you're a little bitch! You're a filthy bitch, and I'd bust your balls!
[Pete puts his hand back in his mouth and groans]
Ben Stone : [miserably] Debbie wants to give her life to you, and Alison doesn't want to do that with me, and it makes me sad all day. I wanna go home.
Pete : [muffled by his fingers] I wanna go home too.
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Ben Stone : Well, that was brutal.
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Ben Stone : That's because Steely Dan Gargles my balls.
