- Leit Geives: You want me to take action on a highly decorated street cop with eighteen years on the force, on the basis of some rookie's hunch. No, I don't think so. You bring me something more solid and then we'll talk.
- Officer Doug Penhall: Solid? What do you want? Snap shots?
- Captain Adam Fuller: Penhall!
- Officer Doug Penhall: Nobody believes me. Fuller thinks I'm crazy, Hanson thinks I'm crazy, IAB thinks I'm crazy.
- Officer Tom Hanson: Death benefits?
- Officer Harry Truman Ioki: No, according to the computer now I'm dead, but it pays more. What do you think?
- [pause]
- Officer Harry Truman Ioki: I think I'm going to cash it.
- Officer Tom Hanson: Ioki, if you're dead, how can you cash the check?
- Officer Harry Truman Ioki: I've got two forms of I.D.
- Sal 'Blowfish' Banducci: Go home! You know what I do when my toilet gets stopped up at home?
- Officer Tom Hanson: I can't imagine!
- Sal 'Blowfish' Banducci: I call a plumber, you can't work all the time.
- Officer Judy Hoffs: Who knew you could be so nice?
- Officer Doug Penhall: Well you better not tell anybody, or I'll tell them that you snore.
- Officer Judy Hoffs: I don't snore!... Much.
- Officer Tom Hanson: Hey Doug, how you doing? I was worried about you.
- Officer Doug Penhall: Why? I'm fine.
- Officer Tom Hanson: Well you blew out of here last night, you didn't say anything, and I called you half the night and
- [clears throat]
- Officer Tom Hanson: you weren't home.
- Officer Doug Penhall: Yeah?
- Officer Tom Hanson: Yeah, so what'd you do? Did you get lucky?
- [impersonates Doug]
- Officer Tom Hanson: Hi, I'm Doug Penhall, I'm so depressed, won't you take me to bed and cheer me up?
- Officer Doug Penhall: ...Went home early, went to sleep, guess I didn't hear the phone. You got a sick mind.
- Officer Doug Penhall: [to Judy] I don't want to walk into work and have you hate me because you think I tried to take advantage of you, okay?
- Officer Judy Hoffs: I'll tell you what, Doug, if I hear through anyone that you mentioned to anybody: to Blowfish, to Hanson, to ANYONE, that you spent the night at my apartment last night, I swear to God I will make you miserable for the rest of your life.
- Officer Doug Penhall: I don't know what you're so upset about, YOU'RE the one who chickened out at the LAST minute, we didn't even do anything!
- Officer Judy Hoffs: And it's going to stay that way!
- Officer Doug Penhall: Fine.
- Officer Judy Hoffs: I feel like I got taken advantage of, Doug.
- Officer Doug Penhall: Hey whoa, wait a minute, I'm the one who came over to be consoled, I'm the one whose friend is driving around with a murderer, I'M the one who everybody thinks is crazy! I thought maybe you were a sympathetic ear.
- Officer Judy Hoffs: Oh, so you're trying to tell me you weren't planning on getting me in the sack when you came over last night.
- Officer Doug Penhall: No.
- Officer Judy Hoffs: Then why did you have those things with you?
- Officer Doug Penhall: ...Things with me?
- Officer Judy Hoffs: You had condoms in your wallet, Doug.
- Officer Doug Penhall: I always have condoms in my wallet.
- Officer Judy Hoffs: Yeah?
- Officer Doug Penhall: Yeah. Like when you go for a drive, you bring a spare with you in case you get a flat.