- [first lines]
- Captain Richard Jenko: Speeding right along. Apparently somebody is trying to relocate South Central High School one room at a time.
- Susan Chadwick: Hi.
- Officer Tom Hanson: Hi.
- Susan Chadwick: Looks like you could use some help.
- Officer Tom Hanson: Yeah I could. My tire's flat.
- Susan Chadwick: Only on the bottom.
- Officer Tom Hanson: [playing baseball] Good eye, Harry. Wait for your pitch.
- Officer Harry Truman Ioki: Hey, you guys may have invented the game, but we perfected it.
- Officer Doug Penhall: Yeah, sushi and baseball both, right?
- [Jenko arguing about Hanson's date with the teacher]
- Officer Tom Hanson: I'm sorry.
- Captain Richard Jenko: Hey, hey, you're a person. You don't have to apologize for having a personal life. You should just always remember to have it on your two-week-vacation each year.
- [last lines]
- Susan Chadwick: Hi.
- Officer Tom Hanson: Can I buy you a drink?
- Susan Chadwick: Why don't we just stay in?
- Principal Weintraub: [Hanson has been forced to reveal his true identity] Why wasn't I notified?
- Officer Tom Hanson: Because then it wouldn't be undercover.
- Susan Chadwick: You lied to me.
- Officer Tom Hanson: No, I misled you. And as weak as it sounds, I was just doing my job.
- Susan Chadwick: Boys didn't kiss like this when I was in high school.
- Officer Tom Hanson: It's a good thing, you never would have graduated.