- Harry Solomon: [to Ned] You know, I don't get to say this to a lot of people, but... I'm smarter than you.
- Judith Draper: [after Charlotte and Ned drugged and tied everyone downstairs in the basement] It's official. This is the worst party I've ever been to.
- Charlotte Everly: [FBI bursts in to arrest Charlotte just as she's about to cut Dick's head open] No, don't you understand? He's one of them! Let me open him up. You'll see he's an alien.
- Byron: Yeah, right, Charlotte, so were the other 8 you cut up.
- Charlotte Everly: Ok, fine. But this one is!
- Officer Don: [leaving] See you Sally. Tommy, Dick, Harry. You know, I just noticed that you're Tom, Dick, & Harry.
- Harry Solomon: So?
- Officer Don: So Tom, Dick, & Harry. You know, like every Tom, Dick, & Harry.
- Tommy Solomon: Well, that doesn't mean that it's a calculated attempt on our part to seem average.
- Harry Solomon: Yeah, I mean, we just picked names at random when we got here.
- [Sally whacks him in the head]
- Harry Solomon: I mean, when we landed.
- [Sally whacks him in the head again]
- Harry Solomon: Bye, Don.
- Charlotte Everly: I'm a reporter from the Cleveland Plain Dealer, and I want to do a story on you.
- Dr. Dick Solomon: On me?
- Charlotte Everly: Yes, you see, every year I do a piece on greatness...
- Dr. Mary Albright: [laughs hysterically] Sorry...
- Charlotte Everly: Would you grant me an interview?
- Dr. Dick Solomon: All right, but I must ask you to limit your discussion to my greatness... As to greatness, I find that some are born great. Some achieve greatness. And some thrust their greatness upon others.
- Sally Solomon: [Discussing what they'll need for Dick's surprise party] OK, booze. How much do we get?
- Mrs. Dubcek: I always figure ¾ of an ounce of liquor per 10 pounds a guest. Now, for a 200-pound man, you're going to need about half a quart of vodka...
- Mrs. Dubcek: Put me down at 300 pounds.
- Mrs. Dubcek: [at the aliens's stunned looks] What? I'm big boned.