Absolutely Fabulous (TV Series)

Fashion (1992)

Jennifer Saunders: Edina

Photos 

Quotes 

• Eddie : Everybody's there, everybody! Big names, you know. Chanel, Dior, Lagerfeld, Givenchy, Gaultier, darling. Names, names, names. Every rich bitch from New York is in there. Hockwenden, Ruttenstein, Vandebilt, Rothschild, Hookenfookenberger, Dachshund, Rottweiler, sweetie.

  Patsy : A row of skeletons with Jackie O hairdos.

  Eddie : Harper's, Tatler, English "Vogue", American "Vogue", French "Vogue", bloody Aby-bloody-ssinian bloody "Vogue", darling. Jeff Banks and Selina Scott couldn't even get a ticket, darling.

• Eddie : Sweetie, make mama a cup of coffee. You're so clever and you know where everything is, darling, don't you? I think it's marvelous the way that you know where things are, darling. I think you're marvelous.

  Saffie : Flattery won't turn me into your servant. The coffee is on the table in front of you. Pick up a spoon, put coffee in cup, pour on boiling water...

  Eddie : ...Yes, yes, and scald hands and get third-degree burns, screaming in agony. Do you really want THAT on your conscience this morning, darling?

  Saffie : All right...

  Eddie : Thank you, sweetheart. No, not instant, darling. Not instant. Grind some beans, for God's sake. Instant coffee: is just old beans that have been cremated. I don't want THEM. I want them entire, with life force today. Could you not pull that face while you grind? I don't really want to drink a cup full of your anger... Anyway, I shouldn't be drinking coffee, I shouldn't be bloody drinking coffee! I don't want any coffee, darling! Throw all that coffee away! I don't want any bloody coffee! I just wanted some fennel twig tea, or something, I don't know.

• Eddie : I forgot to ring Chukhani. He was going to channel a color for me today.

  [dials a number on the phone] 

  Eddie : Chukhani, it's Edina. Green. Thank you, darling.

  [Saffron laughs to herself] 

  Eddie : Don't look at me like that. There's more to it, you know.

  Saffie : Of course, there is. The bill.

  Eddie : Sweetie, sweetie. He doesn't just choose the color... Listen, because you might learn something, now. He doesn't just choose the color himself, darling. It is related to who I was in a previous existence.

  Saffie : And who was it you were in a previous life, then? I suppose you were the Elizabeth Taylor of the Ming dynasty?

  Eddie : Well, close, yes.

  Saffie : So how come you've ended up just a mad, fat, old cow?

  Eddie : Will you stop saying the word "fat"? Stop it, now! Stop it! I know you're only saying it to annoy me. Aren't you, darling?

  Saffie : No, I'm saying it because it's true.

  Eddie : Oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God!

  Saffie : What happened then?

• Eddie : Yes, but I pay you to interpret my dreams, so why can't you at least find a hidden depth? Well, I, I'm not willing to believe I'm simply THAT obvious. And, if you are bloody psychic psychologist, how come I'm always having to call YOU, hmm? Oh, just stuff it!

• Eddie : Darling, stop me drinking today because Saffy's threatened to leave home again.

  Patsy : Darling, you don't drink.

  Eddie : Yes, I know I'm not a drinker, but you know what she's like, I mean...

  Patsy : A pig.

  Eddie : God, I must ring in and tell them I'm coming.

  Patsy : What will you drink if you stop drinking?

  Eddie : I shall drink water.

  [pause] 

  Eddie : It's a mixer, Patsy. We have it with whiskey... I mean, you know what it's like, you've given up drinking before.

  Patsy : The worst eight hours of my life.

• Saffie : Major motion pictures are made, huge concerts are put on in stadiums. I mean, for God's sake, five hundred thousand troops were mobilized in the Gulf, and a war fought and won in less time, and without everyone included having a nervous breakdown and being sent flowers. It cannot be that difficult.

  Eddie : Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Darling, every troop didn't have to contain Yasmine Le Bon. The generals didn't require big hugs after every maneuver, and the whole operation did not have to be co-ordinated to rap and Japanese avant-garde pipe music because, you know, darling, I think if it HAD, the outcome might have been rather different, don't you? Hmm?... Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go and get dressed.

• Eddie : Why do you have to pick on everything I do? Darling, all I want is a few little things, a few little pleasures, a few little crutches to help me get through life, darling.

  Saffie : Get through? Mum, you've absolved yourself of responsibility. You live from self-induced crisis to self-induced crisis. Someone does your hair, someone chooses what you wear, someone does your brain, someone tells you what to eat and three times a week someone sticks a hose up your bum and flushes it all out of you.

  Eddie : Oh. OH... It's called colonic irrigation, darling. It's not to be sniffed at.

  Saffie : Why can't you just go to the toilet like normal people?

  Eddie : Is that what you really want me to be, darling? NORMAL? Some boring, old, normal, old, toilet goer, huh? HMM? "Where is mommy?" "She's on the TOILET." "But I want to go somewhere interesting and meet exciting people". "Well, she can't take you while she's on the bloody TOILET". Why, anybody can go to the toilet, darling, these days.

  Saffie : Well, they obviously haven't seen YOU drunk.

• Eddie : Oh, look at the time, sweetie. I should be in the office! Sweetie, sweetie, sweetie, sweetie! Tell them, tell them the car hasn't arrived, there's traffic door-to-door, and I'm not well! I'm not well!

  Saffie : Hello? My mother's sitting here in her dressing gown, with her face...

  Eddie : [Edina starts screaming and snatches the phone from Saffy]  Yes, it's me, darling. "Dressing gown", she knows nothing about fashion. Anyway, now listen, sweetie. I'm literally out the door when my bloody car turns up, alright? And I'm managing to keep a lid on things this end, alright? I know you can manage that end, Bubble darling, alright? I'm chanting as we speak, bye-bye, darling.

  [hangs up. Saffy is staring at her] 

  Eddie : You're not a Buddhist, darling. You wouldn't understand.

  Saffie : Mum, you did for a week, which admittedly for you is a record.

  Eddie : It's not a fad, darling. It's not like crystals.

  [Buddhist chanting] 

  Eddie : Omrankatingtingtong... Omrabremnimah...

  Saffie : Please, stop it!

  Eddie : Sweetie, you wouldn't say that if you knew how much we owe to my chanting, darling. A lot of things in this house, this HOUSE wouldn't be here, darling. I chanted for this gorgeous house! I chanted to be successful and believe in myself...

  [aside] 

  Eddie : Please, let me make some more money so I can buy Saffron some more books and a car... Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding!... Please.

  [to Saffy] 

  Eddie : In Buddhist, obviously, darling, not in English, when I do it properly.

  Saffie : What is it? Some sort of a cosmic cash machine?

  Eddie : Oh, God! Could you try not to be so cynical today. You know, today I need just a little bit of bloody support.

  Saffie : Well, why is today such a panic, anyway? It's only a fashion show, and you've had six months to prepare it. I mean, why is everything always so hysterical? I mean, all you've got to do is play a bit of music, turn on the lights, get some people who've thrown up everything they've ever eaten and send them down a catwalk. Greater feasts have been achieved in less time and with less fuss.

  Eddie : Not quite with it, darling, are you?

• Eddie : Darling. Darling, look at Mummy. Look at Mummy, sweetheart. Do I need surgery, darling?

  Saffie : Yes.

  Eddie : Alright.

  Saffie : Get your mouth sewn up.

  Eddie : I'm still here, darling. I heard that.

• Eddie : La Croix, sweetie! It's alright, isn't it? A bit tight, but it's alright, isn't it? You know, people will think, "Wow, it's a La Croix!", okay? I just can't find anything to go with it.

  Saffie : Maybe I can throw up on something for you.

  Eddie : [puts on a jacket]  I'll wear this one.

  Saffie : Oh, I see. Somebody already has.

  Eddie : Jean Muir.

• Patsy : What are you wearing, Eddy?

  Eddie : La Croix.

  Patsy : It's fabulous.

  Eddie : Good... Thank you.

• Patsy : [Saffron has refused to go to Edina's fashion show and her son, Serge, is also unavailable]  You know, I sometimes wonder what the point of having children is if they're not going to turn up for your launches? Did you tell him how important for you it was, darling?

  Eddie : Yeah, I tell him. I faxed the bloody dean, the bollocky halls of residence and the buggery mountain rescue. I mean, what more can I do?

  Patsy : Nothing, and you shouldn't have to. I mean, look at you. You've been a fantastic mother. You've let them ruin your figure. Your stomach's stretched beyond recognition, you've got tits down to your knees, and what for, for God's sake? For a potholer who's worn nothing but a purple nylon tracksuit and a Gazza t-shirt for the past two years. Cut the cord, darling.

• Eddie : Right. Now, Bubble, did all the models turn up?

  Bubble : Yeah, every single one.

  Eddie : Good, good, thank God.

  Bubble : Except one.

  Eddie : Except one? You're not going to tell me it's Yasmin Le Bon, darling?

  Bubble : No.

  Eddie : Thank God!

  Bubble : Oh, no, sorry, yes. Yasmin Le Bon is ill.

  Eddie : Oh, my buggery bollocks. Why the bloody hell didn't you tell me earlier?

  Bubble : Well, her husband's just phoned, and said "Simon Le Bon", which I thought was really amusing.

  Eddie : Amusing, darling?

  Bubble : Yeah. Very modern of him to have taken his wife's name.

  Eddie : Oh, Bubble, sweety...

  Bubble : I phoned around, and I think I may have found a replacement.

  Eddie : Good. Who? Who?

  Bubble : Betty Boo.

  Eddie : Shit!

• Eddie : Now, come on, come on, come on. How's the celebrity and V.I.P. list looking?

  Bubble : Good, I think. But you know me, I don't know anybody.

  Eddie : Now, come on, darling. Come on, darling! Just tell me about Joan Collins, Stephanie Powers, Paloma Picasso, Charlotte Rampling, Catherine Deneuve. Give me some names, darling.

  Bubble : So far?

  Eddie : So far.

  Bubble : So far Sinnita and Anne Robinson definite. We're still chasing Anneke Rice. Gave up on Norma Major.

  Eddie : Now, just get me my phone book now, would you, darling? Get me my phone book. I mean Princess Di has...

  Bubble : Anne.

  Eddie : ...to have somebody to sit next to. You don't get Princess Di to a major...

  Bubble : Anne.

  Eddie : ...fashion event.

  Bubble : Anne. Princess Anne.

  Eddie : As well as, is it, darling?

  Bubble : Instead of. Only. Oh, possibly with daughter.

  Eddie : Why, why?

  Bubble : Well, there was a bit of a mix-up. I didn't make the call, but she's very game and a really nice person.

  Eddie : Oh, I wouldn't care if she was Mother bloody Teresa, darling! It doesn't matter for our purposes! What we need is a Princess with a press following and a designer dress on her back!

  Patsy : Not someone who looks like she runs up her own.

  Bubble : Well, her people were a bit cagey about which designer she favoured.

  Patsy : The only label she wears is "Drip Dry".

• Patsy : Right, I'm off. Are we eating?

  Eddie : Yes, after. French, Italian, whatever you like, sweetie.

  Patsy : No darling, no one's eating that sort of food anymore. There's a fabulous new Japanese in Mayfair. Everything is raw. Anything with a pulse is lunch.

  Eddie : Alright, darling, whatever.

• Patsy : Have you got something I can pee into? I want to do another test.

  Eddie : Bloody hell, Patsy! Wash it this time, will you? Anyway, darling, who was it you were with last night?

  Patsy : Oh, he was just a windscreen washer I picked up at the traffic lights...

  Eddie : Oh.

  Patsy : Buns so tight he was bouncing off the walls.

  Eddie : Bye, Pats. Darling, bye.

• Eddie : I'm going down in history, Pats, as the woman that put Princess Anne in a Vivienne Westwood basque.

• Eddie : [to Saffron]  You've probably got something rather interesting to listen to on Radio 4, have you?

• [first lines] 

  Saffie : [Edina turns off the music]  Thank you.

  Eddie : [gasps]  Panic attack! Panic attack! Panic attack!

• Eddie : [drunkenly]  I don't know why it went wrong with Justin. I mean, you know, cause we did just adore each other, you know.

  Patsy : He's gay.

• Eddie : Right. Now, Bubble. I want a list of every PR company, every record company in this country. I want a copy of "Who's Who" and the latest edition of "Hello!" magazine. Let's get "celebritied"-up!... Come on! Bubble, I want four huge video screens down either side of the catwalk. I want to flash-up pictures of sad, but beautiful children, happy gay couples, slogans like "World Health", "No Pollution", "Fashion Cares", all right, darling? And print up thousands of new invitations on green, totally recycled paper, and cab them around to everybody. Now, now! Now, darling. Now, sweetie! Now, now!... Okay, get on to Princess Anne's people and tell them that everybody there will be mentally ill. Tell her we'll sponsor her to wear a designer dress, okay? And make sure she realizes that if she doesn't, those little children won't get anything... Bubble, press release: "Free Champagne Reception". Get on to Moët et Chandon, and tell them it's for charity! Get on to Joan Collins, and tell her it's free champagne! Oh, listen, look, darling. I don't want to wear this, sweetie. I want to look completely happening and unbiased. I want to... No, sweetie, just get me something from every collection. Alright, darling, come on! Come on! Leave that, darling, leave that.

• Eddie : Stop looking at me like that, sweetie! What do I have to do to convince you I've given up drinking? Hmm? I had one bloody drink, sweetie! Are you accusing me of something?

  Saffie : Have you looked in the mirror this morning? Your eye bags are ruched.

  Eddie : What are you eating, there? What are you eating?

  Saffie : Toast.

  Eddie : What is that on that toast?

  Saffie : It's honey, Mother.

  Eddie : Honey, darling? That's not honey, that's my bloody royal jelly moisturizer, sweetie. Good God, you're eating three hundred pounds worth of royal jelly, darling. It's been hand-squished out of a bee's backside. And not any old bloody bee, but the bloody Gucci of bees, darling. This is the stuff, sweetie, that Jackie Stallone would kill for this, darling.

  [scrapes it off the toast] 

  Eddie : That's better. Make me a cup of coffee, darling.

  Saffie : You know where it is, make it yourself.

  Eddie : I don't know where it bloody is, do I?

  Saffie : Please don't swear.

• Eddie : Right, it's me. I'm on my way in. Everything's completely under control this end, how is it with you? Lights... Models... Guest list?... Just do your best, darling. I'm rushing. Bye.

• Patsy : Darling, you are a fabulous, wonderful individual.

  Eddie : Oh, thank you.

  Patsy : And remember, I've known you longer than your daughter, and anything you do is alright by me. You're my best friend, sweetheart. Can I take your car?

• Eddie : If I squat down I'll piss myself.

• Eddie : Sweety, darling. Sweety, darling, Mummy's here. Sweety, darling, Mummy is... Sweety, darling, let me in. Sweety, darling, let me in!

• [last lines] 

  Saffie : [on the phone]  Oh, hang on a moment.

  [to Edina] 

  Saffie : Mum, it's the Betty Ford Clinic.

  Eddie : What do they want, sweetie?

  Saffie : They say they're confirming the booking for four weeks from next Monday.

  Eddie : Sweetie, I think it's the only way. Don't you, darling?

  [Saffron nods] 

  Eddie : I'm going to swallow my pride and do it, if that's alright by you.

  [Saffron nods again] 

  Eddie : You've been very good to me. Thank you.

  Saffie : [hugging Edina]  Well done!

  Eddie : Thank you, Sweetie.

  [as soon as Saffron leaves, Edina talks into the phone] 

  Eddie : Thanks, Pats.