Absolutely Fabulous (TV Series)

France (1992)

Joanna Lumley: Patsy

Quotes 

• [last lines] 

  Eddie : So you've been diddled. It's happened to us all, once in a while.

  Patsy : But it's not the money, Eddie.

  Eddie : What is it?

  Patsy : It's the horrible realization that I must have actually enjoyed playing ping-pong.

• Patsy : [to the air hostess]  Sullen, stingy, bloody French bitch.

  Air Hostess : [drops a packet on peanuts on her lap]  Madame.

  Patsy : Moiselle. Mademoiselle.

• Patsy : You can't go to France and not drink.

  Eddie : Huh?

  Patsy : The chateau we're staying at is in the middle of a vineyard. The area alone is fifteen percent proof.

• Eddie : Am I on the wrong side of the road, or the wrong side of the road? I can't go on until I'm sure.

  Patsy : Keep driving, Eddy. You haven't hit anything yet.

  Eddie : This is here. I should be on the right-hand side of the road.

  Patsy : Look, do you want me to drive?

  Eddie : Oh, so speaks the woman whose head has been lolling around like a bladder on a stick for the best part of the journey. Read the maps, get the maps.

  [Patsy hands Edina a map] 

  Eddie : This is Spain. Read the instructions.

  Patsy : "Leave airport, turn right..." Blah, blah, blah.

  Eddie : Right. Now, get in, Pats. I shouldn't have gone left, should I? I mean... We're going back to that bloody airport, Pats, or we'll never find it. Oh, God! I hate France, I hate it!

• Patsy : Eddy! Rosemary's Baby has arrived with food!

• Eddie : A cockroach! A cockroach! A dead cockroach! No don't kill it, darling! I'm a Buddhist, I could come back as one of those. Oh!

  Patsy : I think that one had a coronary, sweetie.

  Eddie : Oh, God! Insects, insects! They followed me, those bloody insects. Insects follow me everywhere, darling. From Tuscany to the Caribbean. Insects, insects, insects! You know, I usually see pictures of glamorous houses in Marrakesh, for God's sake. You don't see spiders scuttling into the corner. You never see a picture of Jane Seymour with a centipede dangling from her bloody tiara! No, they just follow me, they bloody follow me. I mean, a mosquito has never bitten you, for God's sake!

  Patsy : The last mosquito that bit me had to book into the Betty Ford Clinic.

• Bubble : [playing Monopoly]  Oh, I'm broke.

  Patsy : Take another mortgage. Don't give in.

  Bubble : What, on a "get out of jail free" card?

  Patsy : Well, try.

  Saffron : I thought you were broke. Where did you get all that money from?

  Patsy : Don't question me.

  Saffron : Where did you get it?

  Patsy : I borrowed it from the bank.

  Saffron : Well, you can't do that. That's cheating.

  Patsy : Listen, you little stoat. I own Park Lane. I can borrow as much money as I like.

• Patsy : [to Bubble]  Listen, you little gonk. If you tell anyone what he said, I'll kill you.

• Patsy : I need to see my lawyer. I must be allowed to make that telephone call before my freedom is finally snatched away from me.

  Customs Officer : That won't be necessary Miss Stone. The white powder we found was a perfectly harmless innocent substance.

  Eddie : [gasps]  Oh!

  Customs Officer : You're all free to go.

  Patsy : I beg your pardon?

  Customs Officer : You're free to go. Be a bit more careful next time.

  Patsy : Just hang on there! I demand that you re-test it! Come back here! I paid a, a huge amount of money for that substance! Don't tell me it was talcum powder!