Absolutely Fabulous (TV Series)

Magazine (1992)

Joanna Lumley: Patsy

Photos 

Quotes 

• Patsy : Yeah. Cheers. Thanks a lot.

• Patsy : Are you going to the office?

  Edina : Yeah, I have to sort out a few things about the shop, darling. It's going very well, by the way. I've got gorgeous things coming in from Kashmir, Afghanistan, Albania... I've got blankets and rugs coming in from Ethiopia. Dirt cheap, darling, honestly. And some of those lip plates from dead Amazonian Indians. I thought we could sell them as ashtrays.

  [Saffron looks appalled] 

  Edina : Don't look at me like that, darling. We do take the lip off, you know! Honestly, sweetie... I've got some lovely cooking pots coming in from Somalia. I mean, they don't need them. They've got no food to put in them at all. And also, sweetie, best news of all time, darling.

  Patsy : Yes?

  Edina : You know those villages that were deserted by the Kurds?

  Patsy : Yes.

  Edina : I bought the entire contents.

  Patsy : Oh, well done, Eddy!

  Edina : I know, I know, the trucks are moving in.

  Saffron : Coups, revolutions and disasters, they're all bargain basements to you!

  Edina : Oh, darling! They're happy camping.

• Edina : What are you doing today, Pats?

  Saffron : I hope she's not lolling around the house again.

  Edina : Will you shut up? Will you just shut up? I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to my friend. Is that alright? God, it's like living with a chronically-depressed budgerigar, living with you. Shut up! Pats?

  Patsy : I'm going in to my office.

  Edina : Your...

  Patsy : ...Office.

  Edina : Office? The magazine, darling? Is that still there?

  Patsy : Of course it is. There's a little meeting, you know. So I've got to go, you know. About ten minutes.

  Saffron : What do you do?

  Edina : Darling! Patsy is one of the top fashion editors in a top magazine.

  Patsy : Director.

  Edina , Patsy : Executive Fashion Director.

  Saffron : But she's never at work.

  Patsy : I am always at work.

  Edina : Yes, thanks to our friend, Mr. Mobile Telephone. Anyway, Patsy's got that job for life.

  Saffron : [about Patsy's job]  You don't mean to say she's actually good at something?

  Edina : No, darling. She slept with the publisher.

  Patsy : ...And I'm bloody good at it!

  Edina : Bloody good at it!

• Patsy : [nervous on TV]  You can never have enough hats, gloves and shoes.

• Saffron : What are you smirking at? Do you think this is funny?

  Edina : Oh... Funny what, darling? Funny ha-ha-ha?

  Saffron : You might have rung and let me know what you were doing.

  Edina : I was too busy doing it, darling. What's the matter? Are you jealous?

  Saffron : No, worried.

  Edina : Oh, worried about me having some fun? Well, I was darling. Bloody great, bloody fun, alright?

  Patsy : Ask her who with?

  Saffron : Who with?

  Edina : Jean-Pierre.

  Patsy : That bastard! You didn't tell me he was around.

  Edina : Oh. I sort of ran into him by accident, darling. He's over here directing a new video for a hip-rave-rap... band, darling.

  Patsy : I thought we were going out.

  [about Saffron] 

  Patsy : Thanks to you, I had to spend the whole evening alone in this house with Helena Bonham Carter, here! I'm going back to bed. There's no point in me being up at this hour.

  [gets a bottle of scotch] 

  Patsy : Helps me to sleep.

  Edina : Yeah.

  Saffron : Back in your coffin.

  Edina : Darling! Patsy's an insomniac, sweetie.

  Saffron : More like the living dead.

  Edina : Oooh! Oooh!

  Saffron : [about Patsy]  How long is she here for?

  Edina : I don't know. How long are you here for?

  Saffron : How long?

  Edina : Well, until her flat has been fumigated, darling. She can't live in it breathing fumes all day, can she?

  Saffron : Why not? I thought sniffing chemicals was what she did best. I'm surprised she's not up there already with a straw stuck up her nose. She should try it, you know. It might actually be the one substance that makes her socially acceptable.

  Edina : Darling, it would kill her!

  Saffron : Exactly!

  Edina : A few hormones, talking there, haven't we, sweetie? Huh?

• Saffron : So, what does a fashion director do?

  Edina : Oh, darling! She get's a fifty per cent discount at Harvey Nicks.

  Patsy : It's not only that. There is work involved. You know, skill.

  Edina : Yeah, of course there is.

  Patsy : I... I decide what goes in the magazine.

  Edina : Yeah.

  Patsy : You know, one snap of my fingers and I can raise hemlines so high, that the world is your gynaecologist.

  Edina : Exactly. You get lots of free champagne, don't you?

  Patsy : Yeah. I direct...

  Edina : The fashion. Yeah. You get lots of little free goodies, little things, you get.

  Saffron : You two have never had to pay for anything! Have you?

  Edina : I paid for you, darling.

  Patsy : A hundred times over!

• Patsy : [to Saffy]  You may dress like a Christian, but the similarity ends there. I think you do it on purpose. How long does it take you to get the crease so crisp down the front of your jeans, you torturer?

• Patsy : Yes, well... I never knew my father. My mother only knew him fairly briefly.

• Patsy : [about her mother]  She didn't want a child. She would've got rid of me, but she mistook being pregnant for the menopause. When she found out it was too late.

• [last lines] 

  Edina : What are you doing tonight, Pats?

  Patsy : Seeing the publisher again. You know, just to be sure.

  Edina : Darling, even Amanda de Cadenet would remember the word "accessories".

• Patsy : [talking to Eddy]  Look, I just don't want you to make a horrible mistake again.

  Edina : What do you mean?

  Patsy : Darling, I'm your best friend. And let's be honest: Your taste in men is famously bad. You know, sweetie, I've had to save you from two disastrous marriages, and some ghastly pathetic affairs you might nearly have had.