- Morticia Addams: [about Mother Lurch] Do you know she hates Pugsley's octopus?
- Gomez Addams: [shocked] Anyone who'd hate an octopus is warped!
- Morticia Addams: She even tried to feed it to Cleopatra.
- Gomez Addams: That's inhuman!
- Morticia Addams: I rescued him just in time.
- [Using a crossbow, Gomez and Morticia are shooting at apples tossed mid-air by Thing]
- Morticia Addams: Now isn't this better than shooting apples off of Lurches head?
- Gomez Addams: Much safer and, uh, less expensive. These poor steel-tipped arrows haven't a chance against Lurch's head.
- [the family is brainstorming over how to deal with the impending visit from Lurch's mother]
- Uncle Fester: I say let's mine the front porch. I can wire it so it'll blow up when she pushes the doorbell. That always discourages those magazine salesmen.
- Gomez Addams: Not bad, Fester, but why not just, uh, wire the doorbell with a few thousand volts. No need to damage the porch.
- Uncle Fester: But that's ridiculous, how can you get fired from your own home?
- Gomez Addams: That's an interesting question.
- Gomez Addams: [snaps his fingers] Lurch, that picture of the house that you sent to your mother, you told her it was your house, right?
- [Lurch nods shamefully]
- Morticia Addams: Well, we always think of you as one of the family, Lurch.
- Lurch: A servant...
- Morticia Addams: A very good servant!
- Lurch: I'm a liar.
- Gomez Addams: And a very good liar!
- Morticia Addams: Gomez!
- Gomez Addams: Oh sorry, I got carried away.
- Morticia Addams: It's impossible.
- Gomez Addams: What's impossible?
- Morticia Addams: That blondes have more fun.
- Morticia Addams: [about Lurch] He's been terribly depressed ever since he got that letter from his mother this morning. Not himself at all.
- Gomez Addams: How could you tell?
- Morticia Addams: He smiled.
- Gomez Addams: We'll call a family conference. Maybe Uncle Fester can think of something. He has a good head on his shoulders.
- Morticia Addams: Too bad Cousin Slimy isn't around. He has two of them.
- Morticia Addams: Now, as far as pinching the maid...
- [Lurch groans in dismay]
- Morticia Addams: Perhaps that would be carrying it a bit too far. But I don't want your mother to become suspicous.
- [Morticia decides they should all play servants under Lurch during his mother's visit]
- Morticia Addams: Now, Uncle Fester, you can be the gardener.
- Uncle Fester: Forget it.
- Morticia Addams: But, Uncle Fester, wouldn't you like to putter around in the back yard, maybe plant some crabgrass or stickweed?
- Uncle Fester: I like the backyard just the way it is - bare!
- [Training Lurch to behave like master of the house, Morticia presents him the newspaper]
- Morticia Addams: No, no, Lurch. Not the funnies - the financial page. Wealthy men always turn to the financial page first.
- Lurch: [resolutely] I like the funnies!
- Gomez Addams: You rang?
- Mother Lurch: I don't trust you Gomez, you've got shifty eyes! And no good butler wears a mustache!
- Gomez Addams: Sorry madam, I was born with it.
- Mother Lurch: Where have you been off to, some dark corner with that hussy of a maid?
- Gomez Addams: [to Lurch] Sir, I appeal to you!
- Mother Lurch: You don't appeal to him and you don't appeal to me! My son is just too sweet and gentle. People take advantage of him. You're sloppy and inefficient!
- Gomez Addams: Sir, please tell her...
- Lurch: You're sloppy and inefficient!