- Archie Bunker: [upon seeing Jean for the first time] Hey! You didn't tell me you was black!
- Jean Duval: You did not tell me you was white!
- Archie Bunker: I got some men under me, there: Stretch Cunningham, Black Elmo...
- Jean Duval: *Black* Elmo?
- Archie Bunker: That ain't his real name; see, we got two Elmos down there, so we call him Black Elmo so he don't get mixed up with regular Elmo.
- Archie Bunker: Hey, you ever run across that Frenchie singer, there... used to be alive... Morris Chevrolet.
- Jean Duval: I had an epidural cyst.
- Archie Bunker: Gee, that sounds like an important part of you...
- Jean Duval: I hope not - they opened me up and cut it out.
- Archie Bunker: [pauses] I think I'll keep mine.
- Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: What do you think it is, Ma?
- Edith Bunker: [Glued to the TV] I gotta go along with Marcus Welby - I think it's a green apple bellyache.
- Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: No, I mean with Archie.
- Edith Bunker: Oh, no! Archie never eats apples unless they're cooked.
- Archie Bunker: [Scornfully] Look at him, gawkin' over his checkers!
- Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: It's not checkers, it's chess!
- Archie Bunker: [Annoyed] I know it's chess, tell me something I don't know! I'll tell you something YOU don't know: that there is a commie game.
- Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: [Scoffing] Chess is a commie game?
- Archie Bunker: See, you didn't know that! The Russians force it on the children in kindergarten, instead of teaching 'em handball.