The Andy Griffith Show (TV Series)

One-Punch Opie (1962)

Don Knotts: Barney Fife

Quotes 

• Barney Fife : Yeah? Well, today's eight-year-olds are tomorrow's teenagers! I say this calls for action and now! Nip it in the bud! First sign of youngsters goin' wrong, you got to nip it in the bud!

  Andy Taylor : I'm gonna have a talk with 'em. Now, what more do you want me to do?

  Barney Fife : Well, just don't mollycoddle them.

  Andy Taylor : I won't.

  Barney Fife : Nip it! You go read any book you want on the subject of child discipline and you'll find that every one of them is in favor of bud-nippin'.

• Barney Fife : Only one way to take care of it.

  Andy Taylor : Nip it.

  Barney Fife : In the bud.

• Barney Fife : I think it's only fair to warn you that if you keep on gettin' into trouble and breakin' the law, it can only lead to one thing: incarceration. Now, I know none of you likes the idea of being incarcerated. The idea does scare you a little bit, doesn't it?

  Opie Taylor : Yeah! And we don't even know what it means!

• Barney Fife : Andy, I, uh... I never have interfered in your family life, have I?

  Andy Taylor : Huh?

  Barney Fife : Oh, I mean, I... I never interfere in anything that goes on between you and Ope, right?

  Andy Taylor : Right.

  Barney Fife : I mean, if there's one thing I can't stand, it's family interferers.

  Andy Taylor : Me, too.

  Barney Fife : You know, a man ought to raise his child in his own way, without any outside interferers. It's his son, it's his business and everybody else ought to just stay out of it.

  Andy Taylor : Yeah, that's true.

  Barney Fife : But, I got to tell you, you just made a mistake with your boy!

• [when Barney accidentally locks himself in a jail cell while giving a speech, Andy enjoys the situation while Barney fumes] 

  Andy Taylor : Well... Got yourself a little incarcerated, didn't cha?

  Barney Fife : [glowering]  Get the key.

  Andy Taylor : [repeating lines from Barney's speech]  No more carefree hours, no more doing what you want to do when you want to, no more peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

  Barney Fife : [glowering]  Get the key.

  Andy Taylor : I'll tell you what we'll do in your case, though. If you're good, if you're very good, we'll throw some peanuts in your cell and you can jump up and down on them and make your own peanut butter.

  Barney Fife : [glowering]  Are you going to get the key?

  Andy Taylor : Hm?

  Barney Fife : Open this door!

  Andy Taylor : Oh., You, uh... you figure you paid your debt to society?

  [Barney continues to glower] 

  Andy Taylor : Oh, all right. We'll, uh, we'll let you out.

  [unlocks and opens door] 

  Andy Taylor : All right, you can go, but remember: it is definitely no fun when that iron door clangs shut on you.

  Barney Fife : You belong in the funny papers, you know that? Get you a wig and a dress and you're another Emmy Schmatlz!