- Thomas Banacek: There's an old Polish proverb that says, "A wise man never tries to warm himself in front of a painting of a fire."
- Riley (Restaurant Owner): One day, Banacek, you're gonna come in here for breakfast with a beautiful girl and you gonna say to me, "Riley, meet Mrs. Banacek." That's the day I'll drop dead.
- Thomas Banacek: Well, you better watch out, Riley, because that girl is crazy about me.
- Thomas Banacek: Well, my instinct tells me she's not involved.
- Lt. Warsaw: Your instinct or your libido?
- Thomas Banacek: My libido only tells me if I'M involved.
- Sailor: Come back anytime. Open twenty-four hours.
- Thomas Banacek: You're an all-night saloon?
- Sailor: [laughs] Who's talking about the saloon?
- Jay Drury: [after Banacek tells Mr. Church a tall tale] He bought it, huh?
- Thomas Banacek: He's getting to be one of my best customers.