- William Krebs aka Bingo the Clown: I suppose your wondering how I became a clown ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Uh, actually, I... .
- William Krebs aka Bingo the Clown: Believe it or not, I was a claims adjuster for an insurance company, week in and week out filling out forms, measuring dents, having to talk with people who are basically very unhappy, just like me.
- Capt. Barney Miller: I can imagine
- William Krebs aka Bingo the Clown: Then one morning, I woke up. I quit my job. I left my wife and three kids. And I became this -- Bingo, the clown who brings joy and laughter to a world hungry for both
- Capt. Barney Miller: On behalf of the entire planet, Thank you.
- Officer Carl Levitt: Uh, sir, this is Andrew Landry. Charges include disturbing the peace, destruction of private property, and solicitation of prostitution
- Andrew Landry: Why, you must be Barney, I've heard a lot about you in the car.
- Capt. Barney Miller: What happened?
- Det. Ron Harris: Well, when we got to the hotel, uh, the Night Clerk, led us directly to, uh, Mr. Landry's hospitality suite, Well, we found old Landry here. He was hosting a stag film while, uh, assorted trollops served cocktails to the guest and um, the food fight just raged on in the master bedroom
- Det. Ron Harris: Apparently the first pizza roll was hurled when the boys from Bed-Stuy accused Manhattan South of being a pansy precinct
- Capt. Barney Miller: There were cops there?
- Andrew Landry: Yeah, yeah, about 30 of them, including, uh, these two .
- Det. Ron Harris: Well, Barn , you see, um, uh, Mr. Landry here -- he's , uh, in town representing the burgeoning metropolis of Mesa City, New Mexico He's, uh, trying to find himself a police department
- Officer Carl Levitt: A police recruiter, sir
- Capt. Barney Miller: Thank you Levitt
- Andrew Landry: I'm -- I'm sorry if things got a little out of hand, Captain. But you know how cops get after a couple of drinks
- Capt. Barney Miller: No I don't
- Andrew Landry: Well then, maybe you like to sit down and have a chat over a cup of coffee
- Capt. Barney Miller: Mr Landry, you don't...
- Andrew Landry: You see Captain, Mesa City is not just on the lookout for patrolman
- Capt. Barney Miller: Mr. Landry...
- Andrew Landry: We also have several high-paying positions of leadership available for men in command positions
- Capt. Barney Miller: Book him
- Andrew Landry: Whoo !
- Det. Ron Harris: Uh, Mr. Landry, you...
- Andrew Landry: I like him
- Det. Ron Harris: Oh, no. he's -- he's spoken for.
- Andrew Landry: Oh !
- Det. Ron Harris: Yeah ! You want to just, uh... . But, now he's available
- Officer Carl Levitt: What with my nebulous status to begin with and now...
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Excuse me, uh, there is something out there I think you should know about
- Capt. Barney Miller: Excuse me, Levitt.
- Officer Carl Levitt: It's okay, sir. I'll just here quietly and maintain my level of excellence.
- Vincent Royer: Uh, Barney, there's an assault in progress at the Magnolia Theater over on Third.
- William Krebs aka Bingo the Clown: That's Mr. Jingle's corner
- Capt. Barney Miller: Allright, you and uh...
- Officer Carl Levitt: I'll go, sir
- Capt. Barney Miller: Thank you, Levitt
- Officer Carl Levitt: And when I get back, you can begin to process my resignation
- Capt. Barney Miller: Levitt.
- Officer Carl Levitt: I'm quite sure they'll approve that
- Andrew Landry: Uh, excuse me
- Officer Carl Levitt: Okay, cowboy, you got a deal.
- Andrew Landry: Great
- Capt. Barney Miller: Levitt ! Levitt !
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: All right, get over to the desk, put out your valuables
- Edward Crenshaw: We know the procedure !
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Then get on it !
- Vincent Royer: So, then around '65, I couldn't make up my mind whether I wanted to go straight into medical school or work at a hospital and get some practical experience
- William Krebs aka Bingo the Clown: Uh-huh !
- Vincent Royer: So, I robbed a shoe store and bought drugs
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: It's all politics, isn't it ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Yeah, that's what it is .
- Gordon Kaiser: The point is Captain, what with Rikers being so hopelessly overcrowded as it is , we decided, it would be an innovative concept to prune back on our misdemeanor offender.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Prune back.
- Gordon Kaiser: You know, granting early releases to purse snatchers, second story men, petty thieves, etc. And thereby making valuable cell space available for the far more despicable and deserving criminals
- Capt. Barney Miller: If it was such a great idea, Mr. Kaiser, then why'd you sneak them out in the middle of the night
- Gordon Kaiser: Sentimental reasons... .Look, Captain.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Mr Kaiser, what is it you want of me ?
- Gordon Kaiser: It's no big thing . If you could just see yourself clear to let those boys go.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Just ignore the charges ? Just forget about the fact that they practically destroyed a restaurant
- Gordon Kaiser: Okay. Captain, I don't think you fully appreciated my situation. If this little incident out here ever leaks to the press, it will prove not only embarrassing, but may jeopardize otherwise a very progressive and successful program
- Capt. Barney Miller: Are you telling me you have done it before ?
- Gordon Kaiser: Maybe
- Gordon Kaiser: Captain, if you could just, for a moment, put yourself in my shoes
- Capt. Barney Miller: Wrong size, Mr Kaiser
- Gordon Kaiser: What ?
- Det. Ron Harris: All right, come on, Duncan, step inside here
- Arthur Duncan: Weren't you in charge last time ?
- Det. Ron Harris: Just get in here
- William Krebs aka Bingo the Clown: That's him. That's the guy who robbed me
- Arthur Duncan: Hey, you must be mistaking me for some other clown, Clown ! Ooh, sorry.
- Det. Ron Harris: Uh, Barn
- Capt. Barney Miller: Yeah?
- Det. Ron Harris: You, uh, you remember Arthur Duncan here ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Back again Duncan ? What was it the last time, ripping off the Salvation Army wasn't it?
- Det. Ron Harris: Mm-Hmm
- Capt. Barney Miller: Before that ? uh...
- Det. Ron Harris: Assaulting the handicap
- Capt. Barney Miller: Right.
- Arthur Duncan: So, you all are looking well
- Capt. Barney Miller: What happened ?
- Det. Ron Harris: Well, when we drove up in front of the theater, we found Arthur here pinned against the ticket booth by one Mr. Jingles and Woof-Woof the Wonder Dog
- Arthur Duncan: A Great Dane wearing a derby, very funny .
- Capt. Barney Miller: So, you're up to clowns now, huh, Duncan?
- Arthur Duncan: Well, I can't help it. My--My father never took me to the circus . Well, maybe it was the boat show
- Capt. Barney Miller: Take his statement
- Det. Ron Harris: Uh, Circus Boy, take a seat over there, huh?
- Arthur Duncan: Yeah, sure, right
- Det. Ron Harris: Uh, got it. Looks like we got a wild party in progress over at the Greenwich Hotel. You know, booze and hookers.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Take Levitt
- Det. Ron Harris: Oh, thank you sir
- [hands mail to Captain Miller]
- Andrew Landry: Now, the thing is Sergeant, Mesa City offers a unique blend of social and cultural opportunities that is tailor-made for the young man on the go.
- Det. Ron Harris: Hmm. And you're going in the cage
- Andrew Landry: I mean, we have our own Symphony, The Jubilee Dinner Theater and Ballet, several prominent art galleries, a rodeo
- Det. Ron Harris: Oh, yahoo... inside.
- Andrew Landry: But, uh, but on a more personal note, Sergeant, as a minority member, your opportunities in regards to community leadership and rapid advancement within the department are virtually limitless
- Det. Ron Harris: So I'd be it , huh?
- Andrew Landry: Well, I'd have to check that .
- Andrew Landry: Hm-mmm
- [Harris closes cage door]
- Capt. Barney Miller: Yeah, I, uh, opened the mail. I came across this letter from the citation board.
- Officer Carl Levitt: Was the, uh, medal enclosed, sir ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: You're not getting the medal, Carl. They turned you down.
- Officer Carl Levitt: Didn't you tell them I saved the life of a small boy at considerable risk to my own?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Well aware of that.
- Officer Carl Levitt: Oh. Well then, did they offer a particular reason, or are they just kissing me off for kicks?
- Capt. Barney Miller: I'll read you exactly what they wrote: "The board acknowledges that the actions taken by Officer Carl Levitt on November 12, 1981 were noteworthy, well in keeping with the high level of excellence maintained by the New York City Police Department; however, request denied."
- Officer Carl Levitt: Well, that certainly explains it.
- Capt. Barney Miller: According to these gentlemen, they were janked out of jail, put on a bus, and dumped in the middle of Manhattan.
- Gordon Kaiser: Ah, ah, that's true, that's true, but not entirely accurate. Could we talk somewhere in private ?
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: I'm going to go downstairs ,and grab some uniforms. Hell in a handbasket ? It's late
- Gordon Kaiser: Captain, maybe I better go down with them just in case
- Capt. Barney Miller: I'd appreciate that, Mr. Kaiser
- Gordon Kaiser: I'd thought you might
- Andrew Landry: God, your good.
- William Krebs aka Bingo the Clown: The thing is, I already brought so much happiness and good cheer to the people of this city . It occured to me -- maybe it's only fair that I move on and bring my gift of sunshine to other people and other places
- Andrew Landry: Uh-huh !
- William Krebs aka Bingo the Clown: Where did you say your from ?
- Andrew Landry: Baltimore
- William Krebs aka Bingo the Clown: Oh.
- Officer Carl Levitt: We're back
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: All right, inside Harris
- Det. Ron Harris: Hey
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: It's habit
- Capt. Barney Miller: How'd it go ?
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Same crowd from the cafeteria, so we, uh, busted in , we rounded them up, and we headed them out... . I read the brochure
- Det. Ron Harris: The, uh, paddy wagon, took them all over to Manhattan South and Mr. Kaiser just went along for the ride
- Capt. Barney Miller: Right ? Look, uh, it's almost the end of the shift. Uh, why don't you run that bunch downtown and head on home ?
- Det. Ron Harris, Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: All right
- Officer Carl Levitt: Uh, sir, I would like to say something before we adjourn for the dawn
- Capt. Barney Miller: Yes, Levitt
- Officer Carl Levitt: Well, it's just , uh, I think I speak for all of us when I say no matter how tedious or frustrating or unrewarding the job may seem at times. It's a privilege of serving under a officer of your caliber and dedication that somehow makes the whole wacky ball of wax worth while. Right ,guys ?
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Yeah, right , Levitt
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: I got nothing to add.
- Det. Ron Harris: I couldn't have said it better myself.
- [Bingo honk horn]
- [first lines]
- Det. Ron Harris: Oh, um, Barney? William Krebs, a.k.a. 'Bingo'.
- William Krebs aka Bingo the Clown: What's happening with the world?
- Capt. Barney Miller: I'm not sure, Mr. Krebs.
- Det. Ron Harris: He was, um- he was mugged while entertaining a crowd of moviegoers outside the Tivoli Theater over on House Street.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Hm.
- Det. Ron Harris: Sounds like our man, huh?
- William Krebs aka Bingo the Clown: What man?
- Capt. Barney Miller: I'm afraid you were the third clown to be assaulted in this precinct in the last two weeks.
- Det. Ron Harris: I didn't have the heart to say it.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Got statements from Doyle and Crenshaw and slapped them in the cage
- Capt. Barney Miller: Right
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Put in that call into Rikers .The guy should be coming down soon
- Capt. Barney Miller: All right