Black Books (TV Series)

Fever (2002)

Dylan Moran: Bernard Black

Photos 

Quotes 

• Fran : If I told you the walls of my flat were actually moving in, would you think I was mad?

  Bernard : No, I would ask you to come 'round and look after my small children.

  Fran : Look, if you don't believe me you can come 'round and we'll watch the walls.

  Manny : Don't be ridiculous. You'll be staying in watching the thermometer with me, won't you Bernard?

  Bernard : Oh, I dunno, walls, thermometers, it's an impossible decision. I'll just have to hope that when I flip the coin it somehow explodes and kills me.

• Manny : Is space hot?

  Bernard : Of course it is, where do you think we get pineapples from?

• Bernard : [Bernard watches a beautiful woman walk by]  Mustn't stare, mustn't stare.

  Fran : You haven't stared at me...

  Bernard : You're my oldest friend. Anyway, you look like you just fell out of a tree.

• Fran : Okay, if I told you that the walls of my flat were actually moving in, would you think that I was strange?

  Bernard : No, I'd ask you to come 'round and look after my small children.

• Manny : Will you stay with me?

  Bernard : No, I'm a boyfriend now. I have duties. Lots of sighing, holding hands, not finishing sentences properly...

• Book Return Man : [brings back copy of Tempocalypse]  I bought this for a friend, and they didn't want it, i was wondering if i could exchange it, preferably for the money

  Bernard : [grabs the book and begins flicking through it rapidly then stops]  Aha! sand!

  [collects some onto his finger] 

  Bernard : Manny!

  [sprinkles it into manny's mouth] 

  Manny : [tasting the sand]  Sardinia... South... Porto Scuzo... The little beach by the monastery.

  Bernard : [to customer]  Get out!

  [shoves his book back into his hands] 

  Book Return Man : Damn!

  [leaves] 

• Bernard : Courtship calls. I'm going to get Alice some chocolates and flowers and chocolate flowers and florets of chocolate. I'm sending a truckload of woo.

• Manny : The heating's on!

  Bernard : I want to see what happens to you at 88 degrees.

• Bernard : What are you doing?

  Room 2B Occupant : I'm literally jumping for joy. This is going to be the best summer ever! I love you!

• Bernard : I hope you're wearing your Heat-B-Gone booties.

• Bernard : Get out! Women think you're my girlfriend.

• Fran : Just a few hours please? I'm lying there writhing, all sticky and glistening...

  Bernard : Stop. It!

• Female holidaymaker : Hi, we're looking for...

  [Bernard hands her a copy of Tempapocalypse] 

  Bernard : Here's one for you.

  Female holidaymaker : How do you know what we both want?

  Male holidaymaker : We don't like the same stuff.

  Bernard : You're going on holiday. You want trash. But different kinds of trash. You, you want social themes, believable characters. You, you want suspense, thriller. This does you both. It's this temp. She's 29 and she can't get a boyfriend. Oh my god.

  Female holidaymaker : Sounds great.

  Male holidaymaker : No way.

  Bernard : And she's got 12 hours to stop a nuclear war with China.

  Male holidaymaker : Well, one copy each!

• Bernard : Feng Shui is nine tenths of the law.

• Bernard : Don't block the frock.

• [On learning that his summer girlfriend doesn't fancy him] 

  Bernard : No! No! You're my summer girlfriend - you don't get angry. You throw your hair back and laugh as we bicycle around the Cotswolds in a taxi. You flick the cherry off the pie and only eat the cream because that's what Aunty Nibs used to do.

• [Fran's landlord is in his office, eating. Bernard walks in] 

  Bernard : Not so fast. I represent Fran Katzenjammer from room 2. She's my client, and I'm a hotshot lawyer like you would've seen on... television.

  Landlord : So what's the problem, exactly?

  Bernard : My client's room is smaller. And as you know, it is illegal to sell space under the European Legislation act, which happens... in a court.

  Landlord : Her room's the same as it's always been. I can give you the measurements if you want?

  Bernard : Don't evade the question.

  Landlord : Eh?

  Bernard : Just answer the question!

  Landlord : What question?

  Bernard : Huh? Oh, right, sorry. Um... where were you when the rooms were measured?

  Landlord : Oh, I was...

  Bernard : Ahahahaha! Ah, so if that's the case, then where was the room?

  Landlord : 2B has always been there, you can see it for yourself.

  Bernard : You're damn right I will, before I send this whole building downtown to the boys in the lab. I'm confiscating these as evidence...

  [he picks up a packet of buns] 

  Bernard : And I'm issuing you with a decree of sub... dew... dee. Subjudy! You are under legal subjudy to stay in that chair until such time as, erm... until Simon says stand up!

• Bernard : You've got yourself a case, you should get a lawyer.

  Manny : Expensive though. Maybe get someone to pretend to be a lawyer.

  Bernard : Yeah, get someone who's a bit like a lawyer - arrogant, cruel, crooked, a real bastard.

  [Manny and Fran stare at Bernard] 

  Bernard : No, I'm not doing it.

  Fran : Oh, go on! And then when you get a girlfriend, I'll give you a reference! I'll lie, I'll say you were... okay.

  Bernard : Alright, deal.

• Bernard : No, I'm not 12.

• Bernard : You're my oldest friend. Don't you think it's about time we admitted how we feel about each other. Just for the summer?

  Fran : No. I don't. I think we should wait.

  Bernard : Until when?

  Fran : Until at least one of us is dead.

• Bernard : Look at her. She looks like she washes her hair in streams and milks things.

• Fran : Well if you don't believe me you can come round tonight and we'll watch the wall!

  Manny : Don't be ridiculous;we'll be staying in watching the thermometer,won't we Bernard?

  Bernard : I don't know,it's an impossible choice;walls,thermometers,I just have to hope when I flip the coin it somehow explodes and kills me.