Black Books (TV Series)

Manny Come Home (2004)

Dylan Moran: Bernard Black

Quotes 

• Bernard : [Evan has come to get Manny]  Get your own human plaything!

• Bernard : Up with this I will not put!

• Fran : Manny? Bernard?

  Bernard : Oh. It's you. Go round the green binbags. Turn right at the mouldy George Elliot, forward, forward and turn left at the dead badger.

• Fran : Where's Manny?

  Bernard : Him? He left. That's what happens when you love someone and nurture them and take care of them.

  Fran : You mean you fired him.

  Bernard : There may have been an incident involving a hand and a kitchen item and maybe the item was a sandwich toaster and maybe the hand was Manny's and maybe I introduced them to one another.

  Fran : So he's gone.

  Bernard : Oh no, he still sleeps here, burrowed in like the little tick he is. But he leaves every day. Every day is another betrayal.

• Bernard : Look at him. He's bending down now. He's standing up now. I knew he'd do that.

  Fran : Is this really helping.

• Manny : No, wait a minute. This is all about you, isn't it Fran? You're being totally selfish. Why can't you let us have our vicious, soul-destroying break up in peace.

  Bernard : He's right. We are in pieces and you don't care about anything except having somewhere to hang around.

  Manny : Uh, thanks.

  Bernard : Not at all. It's never going to be like it was Fran.

  Manny : Never! I agree.

  Bernard : We agree. Manny and I are opposed on every point.

  Manny : Well put.

  Bernard : Thank you.

  Manny : My pleasure.

• Bernard : Haven't you got other friends to annoy? Why don't you go and persecute them?

  Manny : Yeah, society lady? How come you went to Cornwall on your own?

  Fran : I've got friends.

  Bernard : Well, go to them.

  Fran : I will.

  Manny : Don't let us stop you.

  Fran : I won't.

• Bernard : Don't ask questions, just do it! And clean this place up, it's a disgrace! And polish the stair rails! De-louse the duvet! Tumble dry our doilies! And hoover the roof! And whistle down the chimneys!

• Bernard : [upon evicting Manny]  Up with this I will not put. Pack and begone!

  Manny : Bernard, No! Look at yourself, who's going to look after you? You can't live on the mushrooms in your hair!

  Bernard : I'm fine!

  [pulls a mushroom from behind his ear and eats it] 

• [Bernard and Fran are spying on Manny who is now working for a rival bookstore] 

  Bernard : Look at him! He's half Iago, Half Fu Manchu, all bastard!

• Fran : Bernard, are you alright?

  Bernard : Never better. I've discovered television.

• Bernard : Manny, I'm sorry... I'm sorry I ever let you in here, to rob me of my best years before leaving me a burnt out husk.

• Bernard : Get your own Human Plaything!