- Michelle Nardo: My father said I looked as big as a horse!
- Mrs. Lillian Bakerman: [after a pause] Maybe he was watching Gunsmoke.
- Dr. Jerry Robinson: When I was a kid I was on the Art Linkletter show. I did say the darndest thing. They had to cut it right out of the show. Yeah, I was ahead of my time. Today I could get applause for a word like "poo-poo."
- Howard Borden: Oh, I love public television! They have so many interesting people on. I mean, William F. Buckley, David Susskind, the Muppets.
- Howard Borden: Oh, Bob, uh, your suit looked great. It was really blue.
- Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley: Look, you don't have to be polite. It was horrible. It was probably the worst program ever on television.
- Howard Borden: No, it wasn't! The fourth episode of My Mother the Car was.