Boston Legal (TV Series)
Schmidt Happens (2005)
Candice Bergen: Shirley Schmidt
Photos
Quotes
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Shirley Schmidt : [Shirley walks in, turns on a faucet, and glares into a mirror at Alan] Who the hell are you?
Alan Shore : It's not who, so much as what. This is a men's room. What's your name, fella?
Shirley Schmidt : I'm Shirley Schmidt. Pardon the intrusion, but one of our assistants is suing us under Title IX, claiming, among other things, the men have better fixtures.
Alan Shore : So, you're Shirley Schmidt, of Crane, Poole, and...
Shirley Schmidt : - Schmidt.
Alan Shore : Alan Shore, it's a pleasure.
[He turns from the urinal and extends his hand to her]
Shirley Schmidt : [scoffs] Surely, you intend to wash that first.
Alan Shore : I keep an extremely clean penis.
[He then turns to wash his hands]
Shirley Schmidt : I know all about you.
Alan Shore : And I, you. There's much written in stall #2. I pictured you younger. Much.
Shirley Schmidt : A smart attorney recognizes who he can or cannot rattle.
Alan Shore : He also knows a good rattle when he sees one.
Shirley Schmidt : Since I'm your boss, I can't return your sexual banter, but I will say, for the record, that if I were looking for a rattle? He would be taller. He would be better looking. He would be more evolved than a junior in high school...
Alan Shore : I prefer the juniors in high school.
Shirley Schmidt : - He would be something other than a self-loathing narcissist with a dwarf fetish, and yes, judging from what I got a glimpse of in the mirror when I first entered the room? He. Would. Be. Bigger. Much.
[She turns and walks out]
Alan Shore : My, my, my...
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Denny Crane : I'm Denny Crane. Crane comes before Schmidt.
Shirley Schmidt : You refer, of course, to when we were intimate.
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Denny Crane : You left me, Shirley. Women don't leave Denny Crane. And for a secretary!
Shirley Schmidt : It was the Secretary of Defense.