"Cheers" Simon Says (TV Episode 1987) - Ted Danson as Sam Malone

Dr. Simon Finch-Royce : Well now, I need to begin to get to know you two, so Diane, why don't you start?

Diane : Well, they say you don't have prenatal memories, but I have a distinct 'in utero' recollection of a Fourth of July concert my Mother attended. There was at least one sousaphone...

[the scene fades to a scene some time later. Sam is napping on the office couch, Simon is sitting in the chair listening, and Diane is still talking]

Diane : [coming to the end of her recollections] -then he proposed to me in of all places, a court of law. This time I, acquiesced, and agreed to become Mrs Malone... which brings us here today.

Dr. Simon Finch-Royce : [nods for a brief moment] You know, my wife has a skirt very similar to the one you're wearing. Sam, a little of your history, please.

Sam Malone : Oh! Right, alright, okay. Um... Let's see, it was uh, August 5th, 1973, I got my first Major League save. It was in Baltimore...

Diane : [interrupting him] Sam, you don't have to go into all of that.

Sam Malone : If you can go back to the womb, I can go back to the damn Oriole double-header.

Sam Malone : You know, it was your stupid idea to come here in the first place. All of a sudden he says something you don't like, and now you don't believe him anymore?

Diane : [sounding desperate] Well he's wrong! He doesn't know what he's talking about! Don't you think he's capable of making a mistake?

Dr. Simon Finch-Royce : That's highly unlikely, although, I did let the two of you in.

Diane : If you ask me, his methods are highly suspect! How can he say we are mismatched on the basis of two silly questions? I didn't even answer mine accurately! I said what I thought he wanted to hear! Sam, did you answer the way you wanted to answer, or the way you thought he wanted you to answer, or the way you thought I wanted you to answer?

Sam Malone : I don't know, I got confused after the babe in the bikini walked by.

Sam Malone : [talking to Diane] I'm starved, I'm gonna go have some dinner. You wanna join me?

Dr. Simon Finch-Royce : [also talking to Diane, as he attempts to eat his soup] Please say "Yes."

Sam Malone : [after being told that he and Diane should not get married] Wait don't go, what should we do?

Dr. Simon Finch-Royce : Well, think yourselves lucky I mean, you found out now. Saved yourself years, perhaps decades, of pain and heartache... Cheerio.

[exits out the office door]

Sam Malone : What are we gonna do?

Diane : We're going to get married, of course! We're not going to listen to that, sack of fish n' chips!

Diane : If you only knew the enormous obstacles we've overcome, you would know that we are, destined to die in each other's arms. Because although we are, very different people, our parts mesh together perfectly. We have achieved, symbiosis.

Sam Malone : Well, not every time, but it's close.

Sam Malone : All I'm saying is that maybe he's right. Maybe we should give it some thought. Maybe we should wait. Maybe I'm a confirmed bachelor.

Diane : Maybe you'll do me the honor of sticking a sock in it!

Dr. Simon Finch-Royce : I think I've shown remarkable restraint so far, but I have had just about enough. Now I've said that you're not compatible, and you've done nothing to show me otherwise.

Diane : [sounding on the verge of tears] Look I don't know, what we're supposed to do or what we're supposed to say, but we're HERE, fighting for our lives together, now doesn't that count for something?

Dr. Simon Finch-Royce : [matter-of-factly] No.

Diane : [whining] Why not?

Dr. Simon Finch-Royce : Well, let me answer you this way. Sam, do you really want to be here?

Sam Malone : No.

[Simon gestures as if to say, "There, case closed"]

Diane : [still whining] Oh, What do you mean "no?"

Sam Malone : I mean "no." I don't want to be here-I mean, this whole thing was your stupid idea. What do we care if this guy doesn't think we should get married? Nobody we know thinks we should get married. We don't go bugging them in the middle of the night, do we?

Diane : Alright... what do you suggest we do?

Sam Malone : Nothing.

Diane : UGH! That's your solution to everything: nothing! Is that what you're going to do for the rest of your life? Nothing?

Sam Malone : [growing exasperated with her tone] I haven't decided yet.

Sam Malone : Hey, what's with this English Accent? Ever since he walked in here, you've been talking like the Queen was your Aunt Betty or something.

Diane : Oh, tosh! What twaddle.

Dr. Simon Finch-Royce : Well, moving on. Now, what are the keys to a successful marriage? Well there are numerous schools of thought. Many experts claim that the most important single ingredient in a marriage is...

[both Sam and Diane are silent]

Dr. Simon Finch-Royce : Quickly now.

Diane : Love.

Sam Malone : Sex.

Dr. Simon Finch-Royce : Honesty. Because from honesty springs...

Diane : Fidelity.

Sam Malone : Sex.

Dr. Simon Finch-Royce : ...Yes: trust.

Diane : I was going to say that.

Dr. Simon Finch-Royce : Well those people are wrong.