Jim Davidson: Self

Quotes 

• Jim : [a camera flash has gone off during Jim's routine]  I'll come round your house and take your picture while you're performing!

• Jim : Before we start, I'd just like to sort out the sound, cause have you noticed that no one knows exactly what they're doing on this show, which makes it fantastic - including the band!

  [Turns to the band] 

  Jim : Okay, lads?

  [turns back towards the audience] 

  Jim : Have you noticed they're all getting pisseder by the minute, arn't they? So just for the sound department, can you turn the sound up a little bit? And I'll

  [Pulls the cover of the microphone] 

  Jim : take this off, cause I'm a Catholic!

  [Audience laughs] 

• Jim : We have a new boss here at the BBC, upstairs. there's lady bosses now. There's sort of... the bosses floor is called the Women's Institute!

  [Gentle laughter] 

  Jim : Yes, the Women's Institute have been a little worried about what I'm going to talk about, so they've given me one of these state of the art microphones, seriously, and in here, has got a silicone chip, that records what I say, edits out the words that they put in, key words, like bum... that one's alright, and then edits it out, and you get it a millisecond later. You don't believe a

  [Mouths a rude word] 

  Jim : word I'm saying, do ya?

  [Howls of laughter and applause] 

• Jim : I just love seeing lots and lots of real stars on the television, not these fake ones.

• Jim : Why don't that bloke in Stars in Their Eyes who plays Matthew Kelly win?

  [laughter] 

  Jim : I mean he's fantastic every week! And did you see the other bloke who said 'Tonight, Matthew, I'm going to be Glenn Miller' Went into the smoke, and was never seen of again!

• Jim : There was going to be a sort of phone in vote, to see how filthy I could get, and be taken off the television!

• Jim : [Describing his 'clean' panto]  I come on and do a bit, and they say "Get on and be filthy!". And then the Women's institute turn up, and they say "You've got to be

  [Mouths a rude word] 

  Jim : ing joking!"

• Jim : [Starting his talk on speed cameras]  The band should pay a great deal of interest into this!

• Jim : If you're doing ninety, bang, it will get you, on the motorway. If you're doing, a *hundred* and ninety, no problem - you're too quick!

  [laughter] 

  Jim : Not only that, the poor bastard behind you doing seventy gets nicked in your place!

  [laughter and applause] 

• Jim : [Talking about a show he did aboard HMS Invincible]  On the show was John Mills, and he's Ninety Three years old. I thought "How's the poor sod going to get up the gangplank?"

  [Short pause] 

  Jim : Alright, we faxed him on!

• Jim : I'm only on so the autocue girls can have a wee for 10 minutes!