- Mr. Dunny: [opening lines] Now, class, in order for you to become members of the driving community, you're going to have to actually read and memorize this.
- [displays driver handbook]
- Jasmine: Guys, listen to this. Left turn from a two-way street onto a one-way street, right turn from a one-way street to a two-way street.
- [sighs]
- Jasmine: This is supposed to make sense?
- Cher Horowitz: Jas, you just transferred here from New York...
- [becomes voiceover:]
- Cher Horowitz: I think she is still a little jet-lagged.
- Sean Holiday: Ah, Mr. Dunny, when I get to a T-intersection, am I allowed to make a U-turn, because that's two different letters?
- [class laughs]
- Mr. Dunny: I know this might seem complicated, and I wish I had a lot of big, fuzzy puppets to explain it to you all, but I don't, so instead, we're just gonna go straight to our first training film, Wheels of Tragedy.
- Cher Horowitz: [raising her hand] Uh, Mr. Dunny, could we maybe postpone this whole driving thing, like... till we're thirty?
- Dionne "Dee" Davenport: Hello, Mr. Dunny... you really should just excuse me from this, because I don't need it. Murray or his replacement will be driving me everywhere, so...
- Sean Holiday: [grinning] Unless you get replaced first.
- Dionne "Dee" Davenport: [jeering at him] If!
- Cher Horowitz: Maybe this driving thing isn't as easy as it looks.
- Dionne "Dee" Davenport: I never thought it looked easy.
- Cher Horowitz: By the way, did you notice that Queenie was noticably absent today?
- Dionne "Dee" Davenport: Absolutely chicken.
- Cher Horowitz: So obviously tipped off about the film festival.
- Amber Mariens: [arriving] Oh, did I miss Wheels of Tragedy? Sorry I was late, I had a little appointment at the DMV... where I picked up... this!
- [laughingly showing off driver's license]
- Amber Mariens: It goes perfectly with the new car Daddy bought me.
- Cher Horowitz: [surprised] You got your license?
- Amber Mariens: Yes, so I'm sorry, I won't be able to join you in your little
- [patronizing gesture]
- Amber Mariens: film society.
- Dionne "Dee" Davenport: How did you do this? You just turned sixteen last week.
- Amber Mariens: Practice. Daddy's been letting me drive since I was twelve.
- Cher Horowitz: Isn't that illegal?
- Amber Mariens: [scoffs] We just drive on our own property. I mean, who's going to arrest us, the landscaper?
- [laughs]
- Amber Mariens: Oh, well, now the freeway is my oyster. And while you pedestrians are scrambling around trying to find a ride, I will be driving
- [crows with joy]
- Amber Mariens: to all the parties, and handsome men will snap to my command. Oh, I can't wait to use valet!
- [giggles merrily, goes off]
- Amber Mariens: Fun!
- Jasmine: This should be new for her, sitting in the front seat.
- Cher Horowitz: You know, guys, this puts us under serious pressure.
- Dionne "Dee" Davenport: Ah, please, if she can do this. we can do it. All we have to do, is practice.
- [they all go off, Cher follows with a sigh]
- Mel Horowitz: [handing Cher the ignition keys to his brand-new top-of-the-range Mercedes-Benz] Wasn't I just buckling you into a car seat? Ah, you kids! You grow up so fast!
- [inside the car:]
- Mel Horowitz: You ready?
- Cher Horowitz: [nervously] I hope so.
- Mel Horowitz: You'll be fine. Now, driving is a straightforward series of actions.
- [she nods]
- Mel Horowitz: The important thing is to remain calm and focused and to keep your eyes on the road. Now, you start the car,
- [points]
- Mel Horowitz: adjust your mirror, look behind you, and back out of the driveway.
- Cher Horowitz: [smiles] Okay.
- [starts engine, adjusts rear-view mirror, and reverses out, not too badly, but heavy on the brakes, and they're still rocking:]
- Cher Horowitz: I did it, Daddy! I kept the wheels straight and everything!
- Mel Horowitz: [realizing this is not going as smoothly as envisioned] Oh, it's very good, sweetheart, very good.
- [the car stands sideways in the middle of the road]
- Mel Horowitz: Ah, maybe now you might wanna turn the wheel?
- [she reverses, heavy on the brakes again]
- Mel Horowitz: Ah, now you might wanna put it in drive?
- Cher Horowitz: Oh...
- [car pulls away drunkenly, to the tune of Relax, Don't Do it by Frankie Goes to Hollywood]
- Mel Horowitz: [thrown backwards and forwards by erratic driving] Sweetheart... maybe... we should talk about braking. Huh?
- [strained:]
- Mel Horowitz: It's a gradual... depression of the pedal... so that you and your poor passenger doesn't go... through the window...!
- Cher Horowitz: [panicked] I can't help it, Daddy! It's the car!
- Mel Horowitz: All right! Cher, forget it, forget about... forget about the brake pedal, okay?
- Cher Horowitz: Stop yelling at me!
- Mel Horowitz: Just drive! Just drive! Here... here...
- [she narrowly misses oncoming traffic]
- Mel Horowitz: Left! Uh-huh. Right... right... all right, now left, left...
- Cher Horowitz: Well, every time you move the wheel, the whole car goes!
- Mel Horowitz: Exactly! Stop, Cher!
- [they collide with a stop sign that topples over]
- Mel Horowitz: I meant stop before you hit the sign!
- Cher Horowitz: Oh, Daddy, that sign came out of nowhere! It all happened so fast!
- [dejected:]
- Cher Horowitz: It's no use, I can't do this!
- Mel Horowitz: [exasperated] Never again, Cher! Never again!
- [she whines]
- Dionne "Dee" Davenport: [Cher cross-legged on the floor, Dee kneeling, trying to illustrate road safety to Cher using designer shoes] Okay. Before the Gucci can make a left turn, it has to wait for the Anna Sui and the Charles Davis to clear.
- [deftly demonstrating as if the shoes were cars]
- Dionne "Dee" Davenport: See?
- Cher Horowitz: [utterly dismayed] Dee, I destroyed public property. And I dented Daddy's car.
- [grabs a pillow from couch, hugging it]
- Cher Horowitz: I was a menace. And... and he just kept on yelling at me, "Never again! Never again!"
- Dionne "Dee" Davenport: [shaking her head] Well, I guess not, Cher, but you know, it's really hard, they put those signs in weird places, and you were probably just concentrating too hard on the system.
- Cher Horowitz: The system?
- Dionne "Dee" Davenport: Didn't your Dad teach you the system?
- Cher Horowitz: No.
- [causing Dee to have a flashback]
- Murray: [learner driver Dee's 'the system' flashback, as Murray, in the red BMW convertible, counts off on his fingers] Rear view, side view, glance, signal, scan.
- Dionne "Dee" Davenport: [chic green outfit] I'm comprehending.
- [Murray gives thumb up, she checks rear-view mirror]
- Dionne "Dee" Davenport: Side view,
- [checks side-view mirror]
- Dionne "Dee" Davenport: rear view,
- [she glances back]
- Dionne "Dee" Davenport: signal,
- [indicator lights]
- Dionne "Dee" Davenport: scan.
- [she checks, then winks at him, and car pulls away... halting at stop sign a little while later]
- Murray: Okay, let's make a left-hand turn now.
- Dionne "Dee" Davenport: Okay.
- [barges forward causing intersection traffic to honk]
- Murray: Whoa! You can't go now!
- Dionne "Dee" Davenport: I signaled, I glanced!
- Murray: No, but you didn't glance at the cars coming directly at you!
- Dionne "Dee" Davenport: Other cars weren't mentioned in the system.
- Murray: [wry smile] You're right, you're right, you're right. Other cars weren't mentioned in the system. Okay, check this out.
- [calmly:]
- Murray: Until those cars have gone,
- [yelling:]
- Murray: you don't go!
- [scoffs]
- Dionne "Dee" Davenport: Fine. That's all you had to say. I'm not gonna go.
- Murray: Okay.
- [cars, with their way blocked, honk behind them]
- irate fellow-driver: [voice only] Hey, let's move it!
- Murray: Okay, go!
- Dionne "Dee" Davenport: Rear view, side view...
- Murray: [yelling] What are you doing?
- Dionne "Dee" Davenport: The system!
- Murray: Forget the system! Just go! Go!
- Dionne "Dee" Davenport: Okay.
- [about to accelerate away]
- Murray: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! There's a lady crossing with a baby carriage. Don't go yet!
- Dionne "Dee" Davenport: [gives up on this there and then] No, it's all so random! Okay, Murray, I'm sorry.
- Murray: [had it's fill of it, too] You know what? Put the car in park, all right?
- [taking off seat-belt, climbing out]
- Murray: I say I'm driving home.
- Dionne "Dee" Davenport: No...!
- Murray: Yeah, that's it!
- Dionne "Dee" Davenport: No...!
- Murray: [thoroughly exasperated] Never, ever, ever, ever again!
- Dionne "Dee" Davenport: You don't want me to drive, because you wanna control me. You wanna know where I'm at, at all times.
- Murray: [coming round the front of the car] Listen, I don't care if you get your license, all right, I want you to drive. I just don't want you to drive when I'm in the vicinity, all right? Now get out of the car!
- Dionne "Dee" Davenport: No, I have the license. And it's not all about you, Murray!
- Murray: Get out of the car, Dee!
- Dionne "Dee" Davenport: No!
- Murray: Go!
- Dionne "Dee" Davenport: [her flashback over, back to the present, talking to Cher] And then he totally scuds me!
- Cher Horowitz: Majorly unsupportive. I am way offended for you.
- Dionne "Dee" Davenport: Thanks.
- Josh: [Cher scoffs as he enters] Hey, Cher, I hear you're bringing your redecorating skills to the city property now.
- Cher Horowitz: [gets up, wounded tone] I'm glad you find my vehicular shortcomings so amusing.
- Josh: Aw, look, Cher, come on, everybody has something like that when they first start out. You know, I never told anybody, but the first time Mel took me out...
- Dionne "Dee" Davenport: Is that the time you bumped topiary incident? I think I heard about that.
- Cher Horowitz: [to Josh] Well, Mel was ranting about it for days after you left for your Mom's.
- Josh: [sighs] The point is, why don't I take you out for a couple of lessons, you know? I know Mel could be a hothead.
- Cher Horowitz: [sighs] Josh, that's way Mother Teresa of you... but I'm not getting behind a wheel. I'm a complete driving doofus.
- Josh: [sighs] Well, I'm... I'm here if you need me. Just let me know.
- [gets up, leaves]
- Dionne "Dee" Davenport: Observation.
- [gets up]
- Dionne "Dee" Davenport: Maybe the stepbrother is right. I mean, it's probably our respective instructors. I bet, if we went and took our tests, we would so fully be in the passing lane.
- Cher Horowitz: [scoffs uncertainly] Maybe you.
- Dionne "Dee" Davenport: No, both of us. I know. If we went down tomorrow and took our tests, we would so fully pass.
- Cher Horowitz: [driver's license testing grounds] Did I pass?
- DMV Examiner: [weird guy, weird voice] Well, let's see. You sideswiped the school bus, you drove the wrong way down the freeway, you knocked down sixteen pedestrians, oh,
- [yelling:]
- DMV Examiner: and by the way, here in America, we usually don't wear pajamas to our driving test!
- Cher Horowitz: [looks down at her night-clothes and robe in total dismay] Aw...
- DMV Examiner: And your English final is in five minutes, and you completely forgot to study.
- [raucous evil laughter]
- Cher Horowitz: [waking up from nightmare] Oh, the horror and humiliation! I'm never going to be able to do this. I'm doomed to be a non-driving freak!
- [collapses back onto her pillow]
- Cher Horowitz: [as driving license tryout Jasmine displays road rage] Wow, Jasmine, you are so driving!
- [car zooms]
- Cher Horowitz: You are totally road-worthy!
- Mr. Dunny: [at stop sign] Okay, now we are just going to sit here and wait patiently for these cars to clear.
- Dionne "Dee" Davenport: Which cars? Oh, I hate this! This whole intersection thing is lame!
- Jasmine: [leaning over from back seat] Okay. Dee, first of all, calm down. Okay?
- Dionne "Dee" Davenport: Okay.
- Jasmine: Right. Do you see the cars there on your left-hand side?
- Dionne "Dee" Davenport: Yeah.
- Jasmine: What you're gonna do, is you're gonna wait for them to clear...
- Dionne "Dee" Davenport: Mm.
- Jasmine: ...and then you're gonna show 'em your business, babe. Just go on ahead.
- [Dee waits, the cars clear]
- Jasmine: Okay. Okay, go!
- [Dee's well-heeled foot hits the gas pedal, and the car pulls away, executing a perfect turn]
- Mr. Dunny: [waiting for learner driver to pull away] Okay, Cher, the coast is clear, let's go!
- [no response]
- Mr. Dunny: Cher?
- Dionne "Dee" Davenport: Come on, Cher, you are fully capable.
- [as Cher stammers an excuse, reminding her:]
- Dionne "Dee" Davenport: I did it.
- Jasmine: Cher, are you feeling a little un-confident?
- Mel Horowitz: [his angry face in Cher's mind] Never again, Cher, never again!
- Cher Horowitz: [defeated look] I, uhm... I'm feeling kinda car-sick. I don't think I can drive... today. I can't drive today.
- [gets out of the car]
- Murray: [in class, handing her Jasmine's driver's license] Cher, check it out.
- Cher Horowitz: [sadly envious] That's a very flattering photo, Jasmine.
- Jasmine: Thanks.
- Dionne "Dee" Davenport: [entering, showing off her license card] I came, I saw,
- [with a jubilant jump:]
- Dionne "Dee" Davenport: I am driving!
- Dionne "Dee" Davenport: Cher,
- [holds up license card]
- Dionne "Dee" Davenport: look.
- Cher Horowitz: [sadly envious] That's a very flattering photo.
- Dionne "Dee" Davenport: [giggles, then turns to Murray] Hey, I need to borrow your car Saturday afternoon.
- Murray: [shaking his head] Sorry, sweetie, you're not on the insurance.
- Dionne "Dee" Davenport: [nudges him] Yet.
- [winks]
- Cher Horowitz: [in her mind] Welcome to the dollhouse, Cher. I am such a chi standing all alone. Please, I am being hypersensitive. Nobody notices.
- [but...]
- Amber Mariens: Oh, Cher, I've seen everybody's driver's license but yours.
- [condescending:]
- Amber Mariens: Are you embarrassed by the picture?
- Cher Horowitz: [vulnerable] No.
- Amber Mariens: Oh.
- [laughs]
- Amber Mariens: Bad, Amber! Bad! Bad, Amber!
- [laughs]
- Amber Mariens: That's right! You choked! You didn't take the test! What's the matter, Cher? Are you afraid you'll fail?
- Cher Horowitz: [voiceover] I was destined to maintain my pedestrian status.
- [in her mind, forever walking, dog-tired]
- Cher Horowitz: All I could do was chip in and read the math. I'm not good at that either.
- Amber Mariens: [in Cher's mind, in convertible pulling up next to her, gloating] Need a lift, Cher?
- Cher Horowitz: [voiceover] I had become a vehicular pariah.
- Mr. Hall: [in class] Cher? Is something wrong?
- Cher Horowitz: [sitting forlornly at her desk, rest of classroom empty] No.
- Mr. Hall: Aren't you gonna be late for your next class? Uh, Driver's Ed, isn't it?
- Cher Horowitz: Uh, I'm the only one left.
- Mr. Hall: Oh, that's, uh, nice. Be like a... private tutorial.
- Cher Horowitz: [scoffs softly] Oh, Mr. Hall, it's so pathetic. I can't do it. Everyone else can and I can't.
- [dejected:]
- Cher Horowitz: I'll never drive.
- Mr. Hall: Uhm, Cher, did you read last week's assignment in Don Quixote?
- Cher Horowitz: Mr. Hall, I've been a little preoccupied with my automotive distress.
- Mr. Hall: You know, Cher, uh,
- [sits down]
- Mr. Hall: everybody does this at some time or another. Sometimes when I'm teaching, I even find it happening to me. And whenever it does, I think, uh, windmills.
- Cher Horowitz: Oh, do you mean like happy things from Holland? Like tulips and clogs and Gouda?
- Mr. Hall: Well, let's look in the book. It seems, in Chapter 8, Don Quixote finds himself on a plain dotted with windmills.
- Cher Horowitz: [rising, intrigued] Oh, that's right! He attacked them because he thought they were giants.
- Mr. Hall: Exactly! Now, Cher, are windmills giants?
- Cher Horowitz: [laughs] No...
- Mr. Hall: But he thought they were. And so he, uh...
- Cher Horowitz: Oh, Mr. Hall... I really appreciate your courageous attempt to help... but I think I'm beyond even metaphorical assistance.
- Mr. Hall: But why don't you think about it? Because great literature can often have the answer to our problems.
- [this hits home with Cher]
- Cher Horowitz: [in her room, reaching for a fortune cookie] Well, Mr. Hall did say great literature contains the answers.
- [reads the message:]
- Cher Horowitz: You will walk with happiness for the rest of your life.
- Cher Horowitz: [whines] Oh, even Hunan Gardens knows I'll never drive!
- Josh: [entering] How's the pedestrian?
- Cher Horowitz: Josh, it's not funny.
- Josh: Oh, look, Cher, I really think you're making too much of this. Everybody fails that test, you know?
- [sits down next to her on bed]
- Josh: I failed it the first time I took it.
- Cher Horowitz: Really?
- Josh: No. No, not really. I was just trying to make you feel better. But look what this is doing to you, Cher, you can't let this happen. Come on, I'll go take you out for a drive right now.
- Cher Horowitz: I can't...
- Josh: Yes, you can! I'll be right next to you.
- [takes her hand, pulls her along]
- Josh: Come on, you're gonna do great!
- Josh: [as they drive along in his Jeep] Look, Cher, you can do it. Hands on wheel, gas, go!
- Cher Horowitz: No, I can't.
- Josh: All right, I'll tell you what. You'll just drive from one Starbucks to the next, that's got to be, what, about two hundred feet?
- Cher Horowitz: Josh, it's no use. Look, I appreciate it, but I'm just one of those hopeless cases.
- [he sighs, and then she spots something:]
- Cher Horowitz: Josh, stop the car!
- Josh: Why? Do you wanna drive?
- Cher Horowitz: No, pull over, it's a hurt dog, stop the car! Pull over!
- [car stops next to limping English sheep-dog, she scurries over]
- Cher Horowitz: Oh, you poor thing!
- [dog whines]
- Cher Horowitz: Oh, his name is Buster. Oh, we're gonna take care of you, okay?
- [struggling to pick up the big dog, grunts]
- Cher Horowitz: Josh, help us, I can't carry him, he's too heavy.
- [running to the Jeep]
- Cher Horowitz: Hurry!
- [climbing in behind the wheel]
- Cher Horowitz: Hurry!
- Josh: [Cher steering the Jeep through city traffic as Josh holds the dog, to the tune of To Dream The Impossible Dream] You know what you're doing?
- Cher Horowitz: [glancing at him] I'm taking Buster to the vet!
- Josh: No, Cher, you're driving!
- Cher Horowitz: I am?
- [realizes:]
- Cher Horowitz: I am!
- [laughs, and her smiling face becomes her driver's ID]
- [last lines]
- Cher Horowitz: [voiceover, as Mr. Hall opens gift bag to find card] Dear Mr. Hall, I finally comprehended what you were trying to say. Driving was my windmill, but I overcame my fears and totally aced the driving test. Thanks to you and that coyote guy, I'm now a licensed member of the driving community.
- [teacher finds an edible windmill snack too, which he starts to munch]