Clueless (TV Series)

Kiss Me Kip (1996)

Rachel Blanchard: Cher Horowitz

Photos 

Quotes 

• Cher Horowitz : [opening lines] 

  [as Sean cavorts about, they're coming down the stairs from cinema] 

  Cher Horowitz : Kip Kilmore. I am so smitten. I'm the past tense of smitten. I'm smut.

  Dionne "Dee" Davenport : He is so come-to-me gorgeous.

  Amber Mariens : I am so totally he's type.

  Cher Horowitz : [sighs]  He is so handsome. And according to the articles, he is such a sweet and good-hearted guy.

  Murray : You guys are all buggin', right? This Kip Kilmore character is nothing but some lights and makeup, all right? I heard, in real life, he's five-two, and this

  [pointing out hairstyle of cardboard display figure] 

  Murray : right here, it's a rug.

  Dionne "Dee" Davenport : How can you say that about Cher's future potential husband?

  Murray : Cos it's true.

  Dionne "Dee" Davenport : Jealous.

  Murray : I'm not jealous.

  Cher Horowitz : Mm-hmm. Kip wouldn't be fake. He's much too fine a person. Anyway, I happen to know for a fact that he's tall, has sky-blue eyes, and does all his own stunts.

  Sean Holiday : Oh yeah, and how do you know this?

  Cher Horowitz : Because Daddy represents him.

  Amber Mariens : [grabbing her arm]  Oh my God, you've met Kip Kilmore? Tell me, tell me everything! Was he wearing a jacket?

  Cher Horowitz : I know what movie he's doing next.

  Amber Mariens : You have to tell us.

  Sean Holiday : Come on, spill it!

  Cher Horowitz : He's gonna star in the movie version of the Tarantula.

  Sean Holiday : The comic book? Oh God! If anyone can be the Tarantula, it would be Kip Kilmore! Unless, of course, they cast me!

  [goes through exaggerated action routine] 

• Cher Horowitz : [voiceover, as she arrives home]  I'm so exhausted from the heinous PE class, that all I wanted to do was veg, and then I noticed our maid was not in her usual housekeeping attire.

  [speaking:] 

  Cher Horowitz : Lucy, is somebody getting married?

  Lucy : You would not believe who's coming in five minutes.

  Cher Horowitz : Who?

  Lucy : [crowing ecstatically]  Kip Kilmore!

  Cher Horowitz : Oh my God!

  [grabs cellphone] 

  Cher Horowitz : This is a Code Gold.

  [to her friend:] 

  Cher Horowitz : Dee, he is on his way. Him! No, I'm not kidding! You have to get over here. Look as all rad as you possibly can in two minutes. No, go take time to pluck! Hurry!

• Mel Horowitz : [as he spots the preening duo waiting breathlessly on the stairs]  Hoo! A sudden interest in one of my clients? Funny, I didn't see you get all dressed up for International Valves & Piping.

  Cher Horowitz : We won't bother you.

  Mel Horowitz : That's right. You won't bother us, because you're not gonna be here. Now, go on, shoo!

  [Dee's big smile fades] 

  Mel Horowitz : Both of you!

  [waves them away] 

  Mel Horowitz : Go on.

  [they reluctantly turn and traipse back up the stairs, he smiles] 

• Kip Killmore : [as Mel opens the door]  Hi, Mel! How's it going, mate?

  Cher Horowitz : [spying, with Dee, from vantage point on balcony, pulling in her breath]  He said 'mate'!

  Dionne "Dee" Davenport : He really talks like that.

  [gushing] 

  Dionne "Dee" Davenport : Oh, Cher, I must admit, he is true husband material.

  [as the two men go up the stairs, Cher groans, shivering with delight] 

• Cher Horowitz : [as she and Dee stands posing on the stairs, strained, under her breath]  They've been in there for, like, three hours...!

  Dionne "Dee" Davenport : [grimacing]  I know. Just justifying a look for this long is getting to me.

• Mel Horowitz : [coming out of his home office alone, much to the girls' disappointment]  Are you two still here? What on earth are you doing?

  Cher Horowitz : [both together]  We're waiting for Kip!

  Dionne "Dee" Davenport : [both together]  We're waiting for Kip!

  Mel Horowitz : He went out the back.

  Cher Horowitz : [eagerly]  Is he coming back?

  Dionne "Dee" Davenport : [eagerly]  Is he gonna do the Tarantula?

  Mel Horowitz : Ask his new girlfriend, Summer Bonét. She seems to be calling all the shots.

  Cher Horowitz : [as Dee scoffs as well]  Summer Bonét? That terrible actress?

  Dionne "Dee" Davenport : Oh, calling her an actress is being kind. She's a total spokesmodel.

  Cher Horowitz : This is so tragic.

  Dionne "Dee" Davenport : Ooh, I can still smell his aftershave.

• Dionne "Dee" Davenport : She has no talent at all.

  Cher Horowitz : Her only talent is preying on the hearts of poor vulnerable men.

  [sighs] 

  Cher Horowitz : Like Kip.

  Dionne "Dee" Davenport : Remember when that director of Primal Death left his wife to be with her?

  Cher Horowitz : [scoffs]  And she made him cast her as the lead in that remake he did of The Miracle Worker?

  Dionne "Dee" Davenport : And he never worked again.

  Cher Horowitz : And then she went with the singer from Locust, and she made him record that horrible duet with her.

  Dionne "Dee" Davenport : And then the band fully broke up.

  Cher Horowitz : [despondent]  How could he possibly fall into her web... when he needs somebody who cares for him and supports him?

  Dionne "Dee" Davenport : Ah, that is so Mother Teresa, Cher.

• Mel Horowitz : [answering machine]  You've reached the home office of Mel Horowitz, please leave a message, thank you.

  [beep] 

  Summer Bonet : [as the girls listen in]  Hello, Mel?

  Mel Horowitz : Hello, hello, I'm here.

  Summer Bonet : Hi, it's Summer Bonet.

  Mel Horowitz : Hi, Summer.

  Cher Horowitz : Dee, the machine didn't click off! Oh, it's private, we shouldn't listen.

  Dionne "Dee" Davenport : [scoffs, rises]  As if!

  [leans gleefully over desk to make the most out of listening in] 

  Summer Bonet : ...calling to discuss Kip's contract.

  Mel Horowitz : Summer, we've been through this before, you're not Kip's manager, and I don't work for you.

  Summer Bonet : [sneers]  Yeah, and I told you that I am playing the female lead in Tarantula, even if Kip has to stop production to make it happen, okay?

  [sneers] 

  Summer Bonet : Come on, he's a two-bit hack, he's so dumb, he'll do whatever I tell him to. Goodbye, Mel.

  [dial tone] 

  Cher Horowitz : This is a disaster. This is just like when they gave Demi Moore twelve million dollars for Striptease.

  [there's something on her chair when she sits down] 

  Dionne "Dee" Davenport : You knew it was gonna crash and burn,

  [Cher is surprised by what she found] 

  Dionne "Dee" Davenport : but there was nothing you could do to stop it.

  Cher Horowitz : [sharply inhaling her breath]  Oh my God!

  [rushing forward with her find] 

  Cher Horowitz : I can't believe it! Heart attack! Kip's... date-book!

  Dionne "Dee" Davenport : [scoffs]  Don't taunt me, Cher.

  Cher Horowitz : No, it's his, look! Costume fittings, workout schedules, interviews...

  [as Dee takes a whiff of the manly scent of the address book] 

  Cher Horowitz : He must have left it for a reason, subconsciously. Like, he wanted someone to find it, and help him...

• Cher Horowitz : [as they speed along in Murray's BMW]  Remember, Murray, you're sworn to secrecy about this date-book. If anyone found out, it could be like plutonium falling into the hands of Beavis and Butt-head.

  Murray : Did it ever occur to you guys that nobody cares that much about Kip Kilmore one way or the other?

  Dionne "Dee" Davenport : How could you say a thing like that?

  Cher Horowitz : Obviously, you did not see him on Letterman when he got a complete standing ovation for carrying that huge cauldron of soup delivered to... He's heroic and caring. We have to find him and play him that tape!

• Salon Owner : I told you, he is not here.

  Cher Horowitz : Excuse me, we happen to know that Mr. Kilmore is here. And we have a very urgent message for him. We're his lawyers!

  Dionne "Dee" Davenport : [together with Cher]  We're his lawyers!

  Salon Owner : Look, if you don't have an appointment, I have to ask you to leave!

  [phone rings] 

  Salon Owner : Salon?

  [the two girls glance slyly at each other] 

  Salon Owner : Miss Einhorn, how are you?

  [the girls duck out of sight] 

  Salon Owner : No, good to speak to you.

  [pages through appointment book] 

  Salon Owner : I'm sure we can accommodate you any time. Tuesday? Tuesday at ten doesn't work.

  [the girls sneak past reception] 

  Salon Owner : Let's look at Thursday. Thursday at five also isn't very good.

  [the girls enter the salon] 

• Cher Horowitz : [eating lunch at school, surveying scandal sheet]  He is so sensitive! This must be so hard for him!

  [patting Dee on the arm, imploring:] 

  Cher Horowitz : We can't give up!

  Amber Mariens : [coming over]  Did you guys see about those two deranged fans stalking Kip Kilmore?

  Cher Horowitz : [scoffs]  Did it ever occur to you that maybe they are not stalking him and they are just trying to help?

  Dionne "Dee" Davenport : Not that we'd know or anything.

  [Cher echoes this with an innocent giggle] 

  Amber Mariens : [shrugs]  Whatever.

  [walks away] 

• Murray : Dee, you're gonna be my short-stop. Because your low to the ground, you got speed, and you got soft hands. Cher, you're gonna be third base, because you're a thinker, you anticipate, you're a leader.

  Sean Holiday : Plus, you guys will be closer on the field, so if you feel that female need to gossip, you could do it without disturbing the game.

  Dionne "Dee" Davenport : Murray, what are you talking about?

  Sean Holiday : Coed softball starts Sunday. We're gonna slaughter Toluca Lake! Give it to me!

  [high-fives Murray] 

  Cher Horowitz : Boys, boys, this is really nice, but we don't have time for childish games.

  [Dee shakes her head] 

  Cher Horowitz : There must be some other girls you can ask.

  Sean Holiday : We don't want to.

  Murray : Well, we want to,

  [Dee takes an annoyed swipe at him] 

  Murray : but, heck...

  Sean Holiday : You're the only ones who can actually play.

  Cher Horowitz : That's really sweet...

  Dionne "Dee" Davenport : ...but we're too busy right now.

  Sean Holiday : [disappointed]  I see.

  Murray : [rises]  Okay.

  Sean Holiday : [follows]  I see.

  Murray : Fine.

  [leaves] 

  Sean Holiday : Take that!

  [plays prank on Murray and passerby] 

  Cher Horowitz : High school boys just seem so immature next to someone like Kip.

  Dionne "Dee" Davenport : I know.

  Cher Horowitz : I wonder when we can see him.

  [consults appointment book] 

  Cher Horowitz : Dee, look, Kip is shooting Tarantula at the studio lot at five o'clock! We can see him in between takes!

• Amber Mariens : [regarding the rime of The Ancient Mariner]  Mr. Hall, I think it's like this Alaia I bought last year, and I have never worn, and it just hangs in my closet, because every time I go to put it on, the color is like... mud. I... I know exactly how the poor mariner must have felt.

  [sits down] 

  Mr. Hall : [the class doesn't get it]  Let's just go back to the poem. Oh, and now, let's not forget our special little rule.

  [Sean has a portable TV] 

  Mr. Hall : No General Hospital while we're in session.

  Sean Holiday : But... but Mr. Hall, we need to know if Jax is gonna stay with Brenda after his secret marriage to Miranda has been revealed. You see, it's just now getting juicy.

  Amber Mariens : Yeah.

  Mr. Hall : [undeterred, reading from the book]  It is an ancient mariner, and he stoppeth one of three...

  Cher Horowitz : [voiceover]  While Mr. Hall was droning on and on about a guy with a dead sea-gull around his neck, I couldn't take my mind off poor Kip.

  Kip Killmore : [Cher's daydream, awards ceremony]  And I never would have gotten here if Cher Horowitz hadn't warned me about Summer. And showed me what true, selfless love really meant. Mrs. Kilmore...

  [extending his trophy towards her] 

  Kip Killmore : This one's for you.

  Cher Horowitz : [thinks:]  Oh, he's so flawless. I wonder where he is right now?

  [consults the appointment book, pulls in her breath] 

  Cher Horowitz : He's with Daddy! I wonder what they're meeting about? It must be something really selfless and heroic.

• Murray : Woman, I've got some signals for you to memorize.

  Sean Holiday : Yeah.

  Dionne "Dee" Davenport : Murray, we told you, we have adult, mature things to do.

  Sean Holiday : [taunting]  Oh, that's right. I can't believe that hussy is making Kip cast her as the Black Widow. She cannot act. That is so calculating.

  Murray : Dude...

  Dionne "Dee" Davenport : [to Murray]  I told you it is highly classified.

  Murray : Oh, come on, he's my best bud. He's got top security clearance.

  Cher Horowitz : Guys, if you'll excuse us...

  [gets up] 

  Cher Horowitz : Dee and I have an emergency plan to put into action.

  Amber Mariens : [arriving]  Ooh, where did you get that yummy Italian leather date-book?

  [grabs it] 

  Cher Horowitz : Amber, give me that!

  Amber Mariens : Why, what's the big deal? Yours is probably empty.

  [smirks, peeks, inhales breath sharply] 

  Amber Mariens : Kip Kilmore?

  Cher Horowitz : Amber, that's private.

  Amber Mariens : [gasps]  He is going to be at Beluga tonight. Nobody is to be there.

  Cher Horowitz : [snatches back the date-book]  He needs his privacy.

• Kip Killmore : [inside the restaurant]  Look, Summer, I'm really sorry, I have no idea how all these people knew that we were gonna be here.

  Summer Bonet : Oh, I don't care.

  [little laugh] 

  Summer Bonet : You know, it's just I wanted to be alone with you, you know, so we could talk about your future and, uh, that contract... cos you know that I care so much about you... and you definitely need a guardian to take care of all that talent.

  Kip Killmore : Yeah. And no one else cares about my talent.

  [she giggles] 

  Cher Horowitz : [voiceover]  All I could do was watch helplessly as Summer weaved her vixen web, and then suddenly an even more hideous obstacle.

  Amber Mariens : [arriving]  Uhm, Kip,

  [gushes] 

  Amber Mariens : I really hate to bother you, but... would you mind if I had a picture with you?

  Kip Killmore : Hey, sure.

  [Summer scowls] 

  Kip Killmore : Ah, but just... just one.

• Amber Mariens : [faked coughing]  Excuse me, I'm sorry, I'm just... really allergic to cheap perfume.

  [to Summer:] 

  Amber Mariens : Could you just create some distance so that I can breathe?

  Summer Bonet : [seething]  I'll be at the bar.

  [leaves] 

  Kip Killmore : [going after her]  Summer! Summer, wait!

  Cher Horowitz : [voiceover]  This was it! Amber had unwittingly created my window of opportunity.

  Kip Killmore : [catching up to Summer]  Listen...

  Cher Horowitz : [closing in]  Excuse me...

  Kip Killmore : [stopping in his tracks]  It's you!

  Cher Horowitz : Hello...?

  Kip Killmore : Summer, this is the girl that's been causing me all those problems.

  [cellphone in hand, pointing at Cher:] 

  Kip Killmore : Stay!

  [on phone:] 

  Kip Killmore : Mel? Kip. Listen, I want you to take out a restraining order on this teenager. Oh, she's blond, about fifteen, and never leaves a person alone! Yeah? Yeah?

  [to Cher:] 

  Kip Killmore : Is your name Cher?

  Cher Horowitz : [takes the phone from him]  Hi, Daddy. Sorry, I'm going to fix this, and I will call you right back.

  Kip Killmore : You're Mel's daughter?

  Cher Horowitz : Yeah. And there's something I think you should hear.

  Summer Bonet : [on tape]  "And I told you that I am playing the female lead in Tarantula, even if Kip has to stop production to make..."

  [she tries to grab the device] 

  Summer Bonet : Give me that!

  [recording continues:] 

  Summer Bonet : "I mean, come on, he's a two-bit hack! He's so dumb, he's gonna do whatever I tell him to."

  [to Kip:] 

  Summer Bonet : Kip! Kip, it was just negotiating, you know? I... I was playing hardball.

  Kip Killmore : [stunned]  You called me... a hack.

  Summer Bonet : Yeah. Well, I mean... it was, it was a tactic, you know, a strategy.

  Kip Killmore : You know what, Summer? I don't think this relationship is exactly what I thought it was. I think you'd better leave.

  Summer Bonet : Fine, if that's the way you want it after everything that I have done for you.

  [turns, glares at Cher, scoffs, leaves] 

  Cher Horowitz : [to Kip, who is looking at her with new eyes]  I know I have been such a mosquito, but I just had to warn you.

• [last lines] 

  Kip Killmore : [in restaurant]  Well, you... you had a good motive. Listen, since... since you're here, and I have no one to eat dinner with, uhm, would you like to join me?

  Cher Horowitz : [little jump of excitement]  Oh, really? Oh, sure! Uhm...

  [grabbing hold of herself] 

  Cher Horowitz : Okay. Yeah, sure.

  [as they sit down for meal, voiceover:] 

  Cher Horowitz : I tried to act totally norm like having dinner with a legend was no big deal, but I was freaking.

  Kip Killmore : So...

  Cher Horowitz : So, do you do any of your own stunts?

  Kip Killmore : Oh, yeah. Tons. Like, every time you see me walking, like, really fast in a movie,

  [gestures, making whistling sound, laughs] 

  Kip Killmore : well, that's me.

  Cher Horowitz : [her enthusiasm already dampened]  Oh, cool... So, didn't you get to travel to a bunch of really exotic places, I mean, Paris and Tahiti and the Arab Emirates?

  [dreamily, expecting romance:] 

  Cher Horowitz : Oh, what was Paris like? Was it romantic?

  Kip Killmore : [studying his own arms, total egotist]  Do these cuts look defined to you?

  Cher Horowitz : Uhm, they're awesome.

  Kip Killmore : [bitterly]  Or are they the cuts of a hack?

  Cher Horowitz : No! No! So, when you're not making movies, what do you do with your friends?

  Kip Killmore : Well, I've kinda been too busy to make too many friends. Actually, to be honest, I find it hard to meet anyone who's more interesting than me.

  [laughs] 

  Cher Horowitz : [disillusioned, voiceover]  I suddenly realized maybe Kip wasn't so perfect or deep or even vaguely interesting. How did I do so poorly on my love SATs? Hanging with him would be like hanging with that Ancient Mariner guy, only Kip would be the dead sea-gull. In the end, I would much rather be hanging with my own real friends.

  Sean Holiday : [scene shifts, Cher is playing softball with her buddies]  Okay, Cher, you rock! Keep your eyes on the ball, make me proud, come on, make me proud!

  [everybody having big fun]