Clueless (TV Series)

Kiss Me Kip (1996)

Michael Lerner: Mel Horowitz

Quotes 

• Mel Horowitz : [as he spots the preening duo waiting breathlessly on the stairs]  Hoo! A sudden interest in one of my clients? Funny, I didn't see you get all dressed up for International Valves & Piping.

  Cher Horowitz : We won't bother you.

  Mel Horowitz : That's right. You won't bother us, because you're not gonna be here. Now, go on, shoo!

  [Dee's big smile fades] 

  Mel Horowitz : Both of you!

  [waves them away] 

  Mel Horowitz : Go on.

  [they reluctantly turn and traipse back up the stairs, he smiles] 

• Mel Horowitz : [coming out of his home office alone, much to the girls' disappointment]  Are you two still here? What on earth are you doing?

  Cher Horowitz : [both together]  We're waiting for Kip!

  Dionne "Dee" Davenport : [both together]  We're waiting for Kip!

  Mel Horowitz : He went out the back.

  Cher Horowitz : [eagerly]  Is he coming back?

  Dionne "Dee" Davenport : [eagerly]  Is he gonna do the Tarantula?

  Mel Horowitz : Ask his new girlfriend, Summer Bonét. She seems to be calling all the shots.

  Cher Horowitz : [as Dee scoffs as well]  Summer Bonét? That terrible actress?

  Dionne "Dee" Davenport : Oh, calling her an actress is being kind. She's a total spokesmodel.

  Cher Horowitz : This is so tragic.

  Dionne "Dee" Davenport : Ooh, I can still smell his aftershave.

• Mel Horowitz : [answering machine]  You've reached the home office of Mel Horowitz, please leave a message, thank you.

  [beep] 

  Summer Bonet : [as the girls listen in]  Hello, Mel?

  Mel Horowitz : Hello, hello, I'm here.

  Summer Bonet : Hi, it's Summer Bonet.

  Mel Horowitz : Hi, Summer.

  Cher Horowitz : Dee, the machine didn't click off! Oh, it's private, we shouldn't listen.

  Dionne "Dee" Davenport : [scoffs, rises]  As if!

  [leans gleefully over desk to make the most out of listening in] 

  Summer Bonet : ...calling to discuss Kip's contract.

  Mel Horowitz : Summer, we've been through this before, you're not Kip's manager, and I don't work for you.

  Summer Bonet : [sneers]  Yeah, and I told you that I am playing the female lead in Tarantula, even if Kip has to stop production to make it happen, okay?

  [sneers] 

  Summer Bonet : Come on, he's a two-bit hack, he's so dumb, he'll do whatever I tell him to. Goodbye, Mel.

  [dial tone] 

  Cher Horowitz : This is a disaster. This is just like when they gave Demi Moore twelve million dollars for Striptease.

  [there's something on her chair when she sits down] 

  Dionne "Dee" Davenport : You knew it was gonna crash and burn,

  [Cher is surprised by what she found] 

  Dionne "Dee" Davenport : but there was nothing you could do to stop it.

  Cher Horowitz : [sharply inhaling her breath]  Oh my God!

  [rushing forward with her find] 

  Cher Horowitz : I can't believe it! Heart attack! Kip's... date-book!

  Dionne "Dee" Davenport : [scoffs]  Don't taunt me, Cher.

  Cher Horowitz : No, it's his, look! Costume fittings, workout schedules, interviews...

  [as Dee takes a whiff of the manly scent of the address book] 

  Cher Horowitz : He must have left it for a reason, subconsciously. Like, he wanted someone to find it, and help him...