The Comic Strip Presents (TV Series)

Detectives on the Edge of a Nervous Breakdown (1993)

Jim Carter: Commander

Quotes 

• Commander : The Gourmet Detective. Sad! This is the second TV detective to be killed in the last six months, Spanker, and so far you haven't come up with anything. So what have you got to say for yourself?

  Dave Spanker : I remember when there were ships on the Tyne. Big ships.

  Commander : Spanker, I've had about enough of your Northern nostalgia.

  Dave Spanker : With funnels on them.

• Commander : The 70s style dress suggests a 70s crime. We need to get the old hands in. We need to get the stars of the 70s.

  Dave Spanker : What, driving fast cars and shouting a lot? All that macho shite?

  Commander : Well all your long pauses haven't got me anywhere.

• Commander : Let's get one thing straight. Nobody calls me "guv".

  George : Why not?

  Dave Spanker : Because it's old fashioned.

  George : Who's the squatter? Friend of yours?

  Dave Spanker : Detective Inspector David Spanker.

  George : Shut up! Listen, guv. I'm a ten guv a day copper. Always have been, always will be. If you want me to work on this case I'm going to be calling you guv all day long. It's all I know and it's all you need to know, guv!

  Bonehead : If he's calling you guv, I'm calling you guv.

  Foyle : And me.

  Dave Spanker : Not all coppers are Londoners, you know.

  Commander , George , Bonehead , Foyle : Shut up!

• Commander : What the hell do you think you're doing! I've got the top five TV detectives from the last 20 years and never mind find the killer. You haven't even got a clue!

  Foyle : Well you told us to do it his way and his way doesn't work.

  Jason Bentley : I was merely eliminating some early 70s suspects.

  Bonehead : All you eliminated was five bottles of claret!