- Jay Sherman: Geraldo, this is my father, Franklin.
- [hands over a piece of paper]
- Jay Sherman: I've prepared a list of softball questions you can lob at him.
- Geraldo Rivera: Franklin, my name is Geraldo. Can you say Geraldo?
- Franklin: Raldo.
- Geraldo Rivera: Good. You mind if we talk?
- Franklin: The time for talk is past! Now is the time for action!
- Geraldo Rivera: [looks at Jay's list] I hear you can say your name backwards. Is that true?
- Franklin: Nilknarf!
- Geraldo Rivera: What's your favorite food in the whole wide world?
- Franklin: Nilknarf!
- Doris: What could you do with me in five days?
- Duke Phillips: Honey, I could make you Mrs. Ernest Borgnine.
- Doris: Pass!
- Duke Phillips: I'm giving you five days of my time to turn you around.
- Jay Sherman: Well, what if five days isn't enough?
- Duke Phillips: Son, I only spent three days with a young man named Bill Clinton, and look at him now!
- Jay Sherman: Maybe you should've taken four.
- Duke Phillips: Yeah...
- Duke Phillips: Jay, we need something to take the edge off of you. Hmm. How 'bout a sassy black kid? He can call you "Uncle J," and you can call him, eh, "Little Shabazz."
- Jay Sherman: You don't think I'm gay, do you?
- Doris: No man in his right mind would sleep with you.
- Jay Sherman: Thank you!
- Duke Phillips: I think you're a fat toilet I'm flushing my money down... sort of a Johnny Cash. Hey man, that's witty. Send it to Readers Digest.