- [on Phillipsvision, a machine that changes sad film endings to happier ones]
- Jay Sherman: I don't want Rhett coming back to Scarlett. I don't want the guy from "My Left Foot" to become a punter for the Bears. I want Debra Winger, Ali MacGraw and Bambi's mother to die!
- Jay Sherman: What if we find a cure for your disease, like in that film, "Lorenzo's Oil"?
- Duke Phillips: Isn't that the picture you called a mixture of fantasy and crap?
- Jay Sherman: Yes! I dubbed it "Fantacrap"!
- Duke Phillips: [on the phone with Webster's Dictionary] How bout that other word I invented, "Duke-licious?" No one's using it? What a "Duke-tastrophe... "
- [in Jurassic Park 2]
- John Hammond: You may have us, but you'll never get off the island!
- Raptor: [with a well spoken English accent] I beg to differ. For you see, the other Raptors and I have constructed a crude suspension bridge to Venezuela. Once there, I shall lie low and assume odd jobs under the name "Mr Pilkington." But perhaps I've said too much...
- [smokes a pipe]
- Jay Sherman: I did it! Oh, I'm a doc, a happy sneezy doc!
- [yawns]
- Jay Sherman: Ooh, I'm a sleepy happy sneezy doc. If I don't get to bed, I'll be a grumpy dopey sleepy happy sneezy doc.
- [pause]
- Jay Sherman: Bashful.