The Critic (TV Series)

L.A. Jay (1994)

Jon Lovitz: Jay Sherman

Quotes 

• Jay Sherman : Our last film tonight stars Al Pacino in "Scent of a Jackass."

  Al Pacino : Whoo-hah! Charlie, you pimply little preppy, I'm gonna kill myself.

  Chris O'Donnell : Good.

  Al Pacino : I mean it, you MTV-watching mama's boy, I'm gonna pull the trigger!

  Chris O'Donnell : Fine, if it'll shut you up.

  Al Pacino : You're gonna miss my whoo-hah, my tangoing, my blind driving, my whoo-hah.

  Chris O'Donnell : You said that already.

  Al Pacino : I say it a lot. Whoo-hah!

  Jay Sherman : Talking about overusing a catchphrase. Hotchie motchie, it stinks!

• Jay Sherman : Boss, I'd like to go on sabbatical.

  Duke Phillips : You people sure have a lot of holidays.

  Jay Sherman : No, I've written a screenplay and I'm taking it to Hollywood. But since I'm a film critic, there might be a conflict of interest.

  Duke Phillips : You want to hear a conflict of interest? I own a cigarette company and a company that sells nicotine patches. I own a baseball team and I bet against them, I love America, but for tax purposes, I'm a citizen of the Dutch Antilles.

  Jay Sherman : Gee, thanks for sharing all that with me. Now that I know all your secrets, you don't have to kill me, do you?

  Duke Phillips : If I do, you'll never see it coming.

• Jay Sherman : All right, it's just you and me. Now what did you think of my script?

  Gary Grossman : It was excrement.

  Jay Sherman : Did you say "it was excellent?"

  Gary Grossman : It was crummy.

  Jay Sherman : Did you say "it was yummy?"

  Gary Grossman : It was an awful piece of junk that made me want to puke all night.

  Jay Sherman : Did you say "it was an awesome piece of spunk that you want to shoot tonight?"

  Gary Grossman : It was a bilious piece of dirt that made cry out in pain.

  Jay Sherman : Did you say "it was a brilliant piece of work, and you'll fly me out to Spain? Where we'll meet King Juan Carlos and drink sangria all night?"

  Gary Grossman : You piece of blech.

• Jay Sherman : Hah, haaaah, how awkward!

• Jay Sherman : Listen Chaz, we are going to work hard and make a good sequel for once. So if you look and learn, maybe you won't spend the rest of your life shaving cinnamon.

  Chaz : Yes, I will. I used to be Vanilla Ice.

  [Jay looks gobsmacked]