- Jay Sherman: Our last film tonight stars Al Pacino in "Scent of a Jackass."
- Al Pacino: Whoo-hah! Charlie, you pimply little preppy, I'm gonna kill myself.
- Chris O'Donnell: Good.
- Al Pacino: I mean it, you MTV-watching mama's boy, I'm gonna pull the trigger!
- Chris O'Donnell: Fine, if it'll shut you up.
- Al Pacino: You're gonna miss my whoo-hah, my tangoing, my blind driving, my whoo-hah.
- Chris O'Donnell: You said that already.
- Al Pacino: I say it a lot. Whoo-hah!
- Jay Sherman: Talking about overusing a catchphrase. Hotchie motchie, it stinks!
- Jay Sherman: Boss, I'd like to go on sabbatical.
- Duke Phillips: You people sure have a lot of holidays.
- Jay Sherman: No, I've written a screenplay and I'm taking it to Hollywood. But since I'm a film critic, there might be a conflict of interest.
- Duke Phillips: You want to hear a conflict of interest? I own a cigarette company and a company that sells nicotine patches. I own a baseball team and I bet against them, I love America, but for tax purposes, I'm a citizen of the Dutch Antilles.
- Jay Sherman: Gee, thanks for sharing all that with me. Now that I know all your secrets, you don't have to kill me, do you?
- Duke Phillips: If I do, you'll never see it coming.
- Jay Sherman: All right, it's just you and me. Now what did you think of my script?
- Gary Grossman: It was excrement.
- Jay Sherman: Did you say "it was excellent?"
- Gary Grossman: It was crummy.
- Jay Sherman: Did you say "it was yummy?"
- Gary Grossman: It was an awful piece of junk that made me want to puke all night.
- Jay Sherman: Did you say "it was an awesome piece of spunk that you want to shoot tonight?"
- Gary Grossman: It was a bilious piece of dirt that made cry out in pain.
- Jay Sherman: Did you say "it was a brilliant piece of work, and you'll fly me out to Spain? Where we'll meet King Juan Carlos and drink sangria all night?"
- Gary Grossman: You piece of blech.
- Jay Sherman: Listen Chaz, we are going to work hard and make a good sequel for once. So if you look and learn, maybe you won't spend the rest of your life shaving cinnamon.
- Chaz: Yes, I will. I used to be Vanilla Ice.
- [Jay looks gobsmacked]