The Critic (TV Series)

Sherman, Woman and Child (1995)

Jon Lovitz: Jay Sherman

Quotes 

• Alice Tompkins : All right, I've got this weakness, okay? I know Cyrus is completely wrong for me, but every time I'm about to kick him out, he sings to me...

  Jay Sherman : And?

  Alice Tompkins : And I melt like butter on a bagel. God, I've been in New York too long!

• [Jeremy is encouraging Jay to proclaim his love to Alice] 

  Jeremy Hawke : In the words of the poet; "carpe canem!"

  Jay Sherman : Yes!

  [exits and then reenters seconds later] 

  Jay Sherman : "Carpe *canem*"? "Seize the *dog*"?

  Jeremy Hawke : You heard me!

• Jay Sherman : [singing]  I'm a happy film critic / short and stout / I'll have the brisket.

  Vlada Veramirovich : [singing]  Sorry, we're out.

• Cyrus Tompkins : I wanna thank you for helping my wife and my little girl. It's, eh, more than I did.

  Jay Sherman : Well, there are are a lot of people who would've done what I did. They're called putzes!

  Cyrus Tompkins : Hm. I like pepperoni on my putzes.

  Jay Sherman : I'll bet you do.

• Jay Sherman : Boss, this is my assistant, Alice Tompkins. She's the one who really turned my show around.

  Alice Tompkins : It's nice to meet you, sir. I'll never forget the speech you gave at my high school graduation. "I just drank two bottles of tequila. My wife doesn't know I'm here. Any of you girls over 18?"

  Duke Phillips : I still give that speech today. You know, Southern people like us have to work extra hard here in New York. People hear the way we talk and just assume we're illiterate country bumpkins!

  [Duke hits a button on his desk. A door opens to reveal a jug band consisting of mechanical bears] 

  Bears : [to the tune of "Camptown Races"]  We're the bears who sing for Duke / Doo-dah, Doo-dah / Drinking moonshine 'til we puke / All the doo-dah - HIC!

  Duke Phillips : [laughing]  Big, dumb, belching bear!

• Cyrus Thompkins : Fine, I'll come back tomorrow, you think it over and you talk about it with your little gay friend.

  Alice Thompkins : Jay is not gay!

  Jay Sherman : [offscreen]  Thank you! Not that I've been eavesdropping...

• [Jay plays an accordian while he sings] 

  Jay Sherman : [singing]  Cyrus is just a virus / He wants to tie you down while you're still young / Your potential is what's essential / You could someday be another Connie Chuuuuuuung!

• [Alice's estranged, philandering husband tries to woo her back with singing] 

  Cyrus Thompkins : [singing]  Lover, without you there's no other...

  Jay Sherman : [interrupting, singing]  Give him a chance, he'll do your mother.

• Jay Sherman : Tonight, we'll be reviewing "A Few More Good Men" starring Jack Nicholson, with co-stars Christian Slater and William Devane.

  Christian Slater : [Nicholson delivery]  I want the truth!

  Jack Nicholson/Col. Jessup : You can't *handle* the truth!

  Christian Slater : [Nicholson delivery]  I *can* handle the truth!

  Jack Nicholson/Col. Jessup : The truth is, you *talk* like me, you *act* like me... You don't have an original bone in your body!

  Christian Slater : [Nicholson delivery]  That's a *freakin'* lie"!

  "A Few Good Men" Judge : Could the stenographer read that last part back?

  William Devane : [Nicholson delivery]  What am I, a *freakin'* Myna bird?

• Jay Sherman : [Pointing to a picture on the wall]  Is that Penny's dad?

  Alice Tompkins : Yeah, that's Cyrus. I was waiting tables in Knoxville while Cyrus tried to make it as a country singer, but then I began to suspect he was cheating on me.

  Jay Sherman : How?

  Alice Tompkins : It was in his songs, "My Lyin' Heart", "Daddy's Steppin' Out", and then his album, "I'm Being Unfaithful To My Wife, Alice Tompkins. You Heard Me, Alice Tompkins."

• Alice Thompkins : I'm Alice Thompkins and this is my daughter Penny.

  Penny Tompkins : [to Jay]  You didn't like The Lion King! You're mean!

  [punches Jay on the nose] 

  Alice Thompkins : Penny!

  Jay Sherman : It's okay. Rex Reed did the same thing.

  Penny Tompkins : I'm sorry.

  [kisses Jay on the nose] 

  Jay Sherman : Aww. Rex did that, too.

• Alice Tompkins : [singing]  Jay, I'm glad that you're not gay.

  [spoken] 

  Alice Tompkins : I may show you why someday.

  [kisses Jay on the cheek] 

  Jay Sherman : Yay.