The Critic (TV Series)

The Pilot (1994)

Jon Lovitz: Jay Sherman, Woody Allen

Quotes 

• Parking Lot Attendant : Hey mister, why does your car say "King Dork?"

  Jay Sherman : Uh, I bought it from King Dorkenheiser of Finland.

  Parking Lot Attendant : I thought Finland was a constitutional democracy.

  Jay Sherman : Just park the car!

• [first lines of the series] 

  Jay Sherman : [answering the phone]  Hello?

  Eleanor Sherman : Jay, this is your mother. Your father and I are taking you out of our will. We feel you already have enough money. Oh, yes, and happy birthday.

• Jay Sherman : Welcome to "Coming Attractions." Tonight we'll be reviewing "Family Affair: The Motion Picture." Just look who got eight million dollars to play Mr. French.

  Marlon Brando : Buffy, Jody, for your lunch I have made peanut butter and banana sandwiches.

  Buffy : Would you make a sandwich for my doll, Mrs. Beazley?

  Marlon Brando : Yeah, sure. That's exactly what I feel like doing. Of course I can get together a little sandwich for your stupid little doll. Hang on a second.

• Duke Phillips : Why the hell do you have to be so critical?

  Jay Sherman : I'm a critic!

  Duke Phillips : No, your job is to rate movies on a scale from "good" to excellent."

  Jay Sherman : What if I don't like them?

  Duke Phillips : That's what "good"'s for.

• [Doris is spraying on Jay's "hair" from a can] 

  Jay Sherman : Aah! This new stuff feels great! Where did you get it?

  Doris Grossman : Some kids were painting "King Dork" on your car with it.

• Jay Sherman : I always have to look my sexiest. That's why I'm wearing these tight size 42 pants...

• Jay Sherman : Take your genitalia right back to Australia!

• Jay Sherman : Please you've got to tell me, did a beautiful woman leave my apartment?

  Doorman : I wouldn't know, I've been drinking in the alley all morning.

• Jay Sherman : Why are you telling me this?

  Jeremy : Because you're the only decent guy I've met in this dreadful country. I love you, mate.

  Jay Sherman : Wow, that's twice in one day!

  Vlada Villamiravitch : I love you too!

  Jay Sherman : You just love my money.

  Vlada Villamiravitch : That is true, but it is a love that will never die.

• Jay Sherman : Oh, my shrink was right! God does hate me!

• Jay Sherman : On the Shermometer this film rates an absolute zero! BRRR!

• Jay Sherman : I'm sitting on top of a volcano of rage and I've got nowhere to direct it.

  Marty Sherman : [picks up a note]  There's a critic's screening of the new Sylvester Stallone movie tonight...

  Jay Sherman : What's it about?

  Marty Sherman : Lets see. He plays a concert pianist who...

  Jay Sherman : [jumping up]  To the multiplex!

  Marty Sherman : Yeah!