- [Everyone is loudly discussing what the Petries should name their new child when Grandpa Petrie dramatically gets their attention]
- Grandpa Petrie: If it's a boy, Ulysses David Petrie; if it's a girl, Ulyssia Davida. That's... IT!
- Clara Petrie: I wouldn't like any grandson of mine to be named after a killer.
- Mr. Meehan: Well, my brother Edward was decorated in the first world war. You wouldn't call HIM a KILLER!
- Sam Petrie: What was he decorated for?
- Mr. Meehan: He blew up a machine gun nest with a hand grenade.
- Ritchie Petrie: [planning to give his kid an acrostic middle name like his own] It's my kid and I like RAT!
- Sam Petrie: Our name Petrie needs a good, short, "sock" name in front of it, like Sam - Sam Petrie! Now there's a name you feel like doing business with. "Sam Petrie on the phone." "Sam Petrie? Put him right on. Love doing business with old Sam Petrie. Hi ya, Sam! How's m' boy? Ha-haa ha-ha! How 'bout a game of golf, Sam?" Sam Petrie's a beautiful name. What's wrong with the name Sam?
- Clara Petrie: Nothing, Sam.
- Laura Petrie: Well, do you remember that it was you who was responsible for Ritchie's ending up with a middle name, Rosebud?
- Rob Petrie: No, all I can remember is that our parents were pretty unreasonable.
- Laura Petrie: They certainly were. But you still didn't have to do what you did.
- Rob Petrie: Honey, you forget something - your parents threatened to boycott the baby! I did the only thing I could possibly do to make them all happy.
- Laura Petrie: Well, let's see if you can make Ritchie happy with Rosebud for a middle name.
- Rob Petrie: Don't worry, I will.
- Laura Petrie: Well, if you do, I'll...
- Rob Petrie: You'll what?
- Laura Petrie: I'll kiss you so hard your teeth will rattle!
- Rob Petrie: Good enough! And listen, do a couple of things for me, will you?
- Laura Petrie: What's that?
- Rob Petrie: Well, when I get home tonight, put out Ritchie's blackboard right about over there.
- Laura Petrie: Mm-hmm.
- Rob Petrie: And, uh, you'd better get me a dental appointment because there's going to be a lot of loose teeth around here tonight.
- [smiles and kisses her]
- Rob Petrie: Bye.
- Laura Petrie: [looking for Rob] Where is he?
- Sally Rogers: Well, he and Buddy are in with Alan Brady. We wrote a sensational sketch and they're in there trying to convince HIM it's sensational.
- Laura Petrie: How long will that take?
- Sally Rogers: Forever.
- Laura Petrie: Why?
- Sally Rogers: The sketch is rotten.
- Sally Rogers: Well, it's just like my Aunt Agnes always says: "What's in a name? A cat by any other name STILL wouldn't smell like a rose."
- Rob Petrie: Alan is furious. He threw a cigar at Mel's head.
- Buddy Sorrell: [gesturing to Mel's bald pate] Yeah, and it was lit. You can see it burned out the whole forest.
- [the staff learns Laura and Rob will be having a baby]
- Buddy Sorrell: Hey-hey-hey, what are you going to call the kid?
- Mel Cooley: Well, since he'll be born while you're working on The Alan Brady Show, why don't you consider - Alan?
- Buddy Sorrell: Why don't you consider playing in the traffic?
- Buddy Sorrell: I've got the name! I've got the name for the kid!
- Sally Rogers: What?
- Buddy Sorrell: Ya ready?
- Sally Rogers: Yeah.
- Buddy Sorrell: Exit.
- Sally Rogers: Exit?
- Buddy Sorrell: Yeah! If the kid grows up to be an actor, he'll have his name in every theater in the country.
- Rob Petrie: I remember that day as clearly as I remember anything - and you know my memory.
- Laura Petrie: Yes, and it's only fair.
- Clara Petrie: Benjamin is the one name that everyone seems to like: Benjamin Franklin, our great statesman. Benjamin Disraeli, Prime Minister of England.
- Sam Petrie: Benjamin the Dip, famous pickpocket.
- Sam Petrie: Pa, nobody's sending you to your grave yet.
- Grandpa Petrie: I'll go to my grave when I WANT to, and just try and let anybody try and stop me!
- Laura Petrie: Listen, how did you know?
- Sally Rogers: Your smile. It's obvious you're smiling for two now.