- [first lines]
- Helen Cooper: Press release from central office. Tories are insisting there's a clear blue water between them and Labor.
- Dave Charnley: Yeah, only trouble is it's got lots of brown things floating in it.
- Gus Hedges: If anyone wants me, I'm in my office. Getting in touch with my inner child.
- Joy Merryweather: He'll never find his inner child. It's buried beneath the outer prat.
- [last lines]
- Dave Charnley: Oh no, let me get this straight. You hired a beautiful call girl to accompany you to your ex-wife's wedding just to rub her nose in it. And you then got this woman to make a pass at the groom and ruin their wedding day. That's what you did, wasn't it George.
- George Dent: Yes, that's what I did. And it was the best two thousand pounds I have ever spent.
- Gus Hedges: From now on I'm going to employ relaxation techniques to turn off stress river and mosey gently down contentment creek.
- Sally Smedley: Either I get a formal response to my request for the same lunch allowance as Henry or I shall withdraw my labor. How would you like that?
- Joy Merryweather: How would we tell?
- George Dent: Professor? Gosh. And uh, what are you a professor in?
- Avril Day: Nuclear physics.
- George Dent: Oh, right. That's very interesting. All those neutrons and electrons, and croutons.
- Damien Day: They're bits of bread.
- George Dent: Oh, right, yes, of course.
- Avril Day: [Damien and his mother begin to leave] Who was that sad man?
- Damien Day: No-one.
- Helen Cooper: Ooh, we've got you all wrong haven't we? You're really a soft sensitive person underneath... what are you doing?
- Damien Day: Oh, I'm just re-editing my Azerbaijan footage to include the rebels playing football with this bloke's head.
- Gus Hedges: Visualising a mountain stream with Sally's corpse in it wasn't quite entering into the spirit of it, Henry.
- George Dent: The Tory conference - looks like Portillo had the edge over Heseltine.
- Sally Smedley: Yes, his hair was far more impressive.
- Helen Cooper: Joy... are you gonna spend the whole day just winding people up?
- Joy Merryweather: No, I'll probably break for lunch.