- William Porter: All I wanted was three dollars. Three dollars for the whole year and I'da made it. I was standing there at the counter with his gift in my hand. The girl says to me you're three dollars short. I started laughing. I laughed so hard, I thought I was gonna have a heart attack right there in that department store! I suddenly realized that if I died right then and there, I'da left my son sixty-two dollars, some lousy manuscripts and a lot of excuses and that's not good enough! That's... that's not enough to leave your son!
- Constable Benton Fraser: You know, William, I think there is only one thing a father needs to leave his son, and that's a good example of how a man should live his life. Anything else, the son can learn for himself. The greatest gift my father ever gave me was the courage to trust my own abilities. And I learned that through his example. You know, you can give your son anything you want. But if you don't leave him a good example of how to be a man, you leave him nothing. That's what you'll leave Del. Nothing.
- Fraser Sr.: [Fraser continues to read his father's journal, hearing Fraser Sr.'s voice while reading] "Sam Dalton made only one mistake: He planned everything but how he was going to spend the money. Before he hit Whitehorse he left a trail of twenties that took me right to his door."
- [Fraser Sr.'s mittened hand reaches from the back seat to point at the journal]
- Fraser Sr.: But Sam's case was nothing like this.
- Constable Benton Fraser: No, I know, but what I can't seem to find is -
- [stops and looks in the back seat where his father's ghost is sitting]
- Fraser Sr.: Hello, son.
- Constable Benton Fraser: [warily] Hello, Dad. How are you?
- Fraser Sr.: I'm dead, son. Other than that, do you mean?
- Constable Benton Fraser: No, that's what I was asking.
- Fraser Sr.: Oh, that's good. Never be ashamed to ask a stupid question, son. I taught you that, didn't I?
- Constable Benton Fraser: Not specifically, no.
- Fraser Sr.: Well, no time like the present.
- Fraser Sr.: So fill me in on the case.
- Constable Benton Fraser: [staring at his father's ghost] The case.
- Fraser Sr.: The case. The case you're working on. Something about it bothers you.
- Constable Benton Fraser: Well, in a nutshell: There was a bank robbery today, now we've identified the perpetrators, but the wheelman, that's the driver in Chicago parlance, double-crossed his partners. Now what we can't seem to figure- is there any insanity in our family?
- Fraser Sr.: No, not that I'm aware of.
- Constable Benton Fraser: Good.
- Fraser Sr.: Well, there was your Uncle Tiberius who died wrapped in cabbage leaves, but we assumed that was a freak accident.
- Ray Vecchio: [Ray comes back to the car after Fraser has seen his father's ghost in the back seat] Anything happen?
- Constable Benton Fraser: In what sense?
- Mr. Vecchio: [Fraser leaves Ray in the car when the ghost of Ray's father leans forward from the back seat] Twenty-four hours and you still haven't solved the case.
- Ray Vecchio: Come on, Pop, it's Christmas day! You want to give it a rest?
- Mr. Vecchio: Hey, if you don't care about your work, it's fine with me.
- [sits back]
- Constable Benton Fraser: [of his father] Next he'll be trying to show me how to start a fire. You know, Ray, I've got half a mind just to tell him to pack up, move out.
- Ray Vecchio: Of your mind.
- Constable Benton Fraser: Yes.
- Fraser Sr.: [from the back seat] Hello, son!
- Constable Benton Fraser: [mumbling] Oh, God, he's back.
- Fraser Sr.: What's that?
- Constable Benton Fraser: Uhhh, I said, glad you're back, Dad!
- [to Ray]
- Constable Benton Fraser: Not a word, all right?
- Ray Vecchio: Hey, no problem, Benny.
- Constable Benton Fraser: [speaking to Diefenbaker the wolf] Now you stay in the car and keep your nose out of those packages. They are not for you.
- [to Ray]
- Constable Benton Fraser: He's searched through every cupboard and drawer in the apartment trying to find out what I got for him, but this Christmas he will not succeed.
- Harding Welsh: The last half hour I've gotten calls from seven department stores, the Salvation Army, two parade officials and the director of a children's pageant. This was further augmented by calls from four city councilmen, the Deputy Mayor and the Police Commissioner. All curious as to why we are detaining all the Santa Clauses in the city on Christmas Eve. The Police Commissioner was especially irked since his daughter was sitting on Santa's knee in a department store when said Santa was cuffed and thrown into a paddy wagon. In our zeal to solve this case, I can't help but wonder if we haven't been, I don't know, how do you say it? Excessively stupid?
- Ray Vecchio: [to a witness who doesn't want to look through any more mug shots] Look kid, I'm having a good day, okay. It's Christmas Eve. I am filled of love for my fellow man, but I swear to God if you don't look again I'll slap you upside the head.
- Ray Vecchio: There's only two rules writ in the pavement in this town: You don't steal from the mob and you don't cross the Donnellys.
- Constable Benton Fraser: You know, I've always thought it was the bravest thing a man could do. Writing down his innermost feelings that any stranger could read.
- Louis Gardino: [a group of Elvis impersonators walk past Det. Gardino in the station] Hey, we said, 'elves,' you moron! Elves!
- Fraser Sr.: [Benton Fraser and Ray Vecchio are pinned down by gunfire] What you need, son, if you don't mind me saying, is a good solid plan.
- [Benton Fraser picks up a rock]
- Fraser Sr.: Or you can just throw a rock.
- Constable Benton Fraser: Fire your entire clip on three!
- Fraser Sr.: But then he'll be out of bullets.
- Ray Vecchio: Then I'll be out of bullets!
- Constable Benton Fraser: I heard both of you!
- Ray Vecchio: Is there an entire conversation going on here that I'm totally unaware of?
- Constable Benton Fraser: Yes. One... two... three!
- [Ray comes up shooting, Fraser hurls the rock and beans Cameron in the head; Jimmy and Cameron retreat]
- Fraser Sr.: At least you found the villains, son. There's something to be said for that.
- Constable Benton Fraser: Thank you.
- Ray Vecchio: [giving Fraser a puzzled look] Any time.
- Fraser Sr.: [as Porter arrives to pick Del up] That's him!
- Constable Benton Fraser: Who?
- Ray Vecchio: What?
- Constable Benton Fraser: There!
- Ray Vecchio: Where?
- [Porter roars away with Del]
- Ray Vecchio: Right in front of the police station? Now that is cheek!
- [takes off in hot pursuit]
- Constable Benton Fraser: [Upon discovering that Del's father is an aspiring writer] My father was quite the writer.
- Del Porter: Professional?
- Constable Benton Fraser: No, a Mountie. But he kept journals. He must have filled up almost a hundred. You know it's odd. We never spent that much time together when we were young so it's only recently through his writing that I feel that I've gotten to know him.
- Constable Benton Fraser: [referring to Del Porter] He wasn't scared. He knew the thief.
- Ray Vecchio: Did he I.D. him?
- Constable Benton Fraser: Yes. He just didn't intend to.
- Ray Vecchio: What are you reading?
- Constable Benton Fraser: My father's journals. I'm just going over old cases to see if there's anything similar.
- Ray Vecchio: Is there?
- Constable Benton Fraser: Not that I've found.
- [frowns]
- Ray Vecchio: What is it?
- Constable Benton Fraser: I just wish I'd spent more time with him. There's a lot of things I should have learned.
- Ray Vecchio: I learned two things from my father. One: Timing. Mostly when to duck. And two: You never hit a kid, 'cause it doesn't teach him anything.
- Constable Benton Fraser: [referring to his father's ghost] He's not really here. I know that. It's all in my mind. It's just that he refuses to stay there, or rather, he refuses to LEAVE there. I really don't understand it, but I tell you it's beginning to wear a little thin. I mean, does he think I'm completely ignorant? I bet the next thing he'll do is try to start a fire. You know Ray, I have half a mind to tell him to pack up and move out.
- Constable Benton Fraser: [referring to the wheelman in the bank robbery] You know, I should be able to see his plan. I mean, there aren't that many variables. But no matter which way I twist it, I can't seem to see how he thinks he'll get away with it. I mean you don't double-cross your partners then stay around town. You don't plan a getaway and forget about your son.
- [pause]
- Constable Benton Fraser: Unless... you don't plan on getting away with it.
- William Porter: You want to kill me Jimmy? You want to do that? Go ahead.
- [kicks a lever that overturns barrels overhead, dousing Ray, Jimmy and Cameron in gasoline]
- Jimmy Donnelly: [sputtering] That erector set I got you last Christmas was obviously a mistake.
- William Porter: [Fraser jumps down from above, surprising Porter, who whips out a Molotov cocktail and a lighter, before smiling] You're one unlucky Canadian.
- Constable Benton Fraser: I'd be careful if I were you. I think you're standing in a pool of gasoline.
- William Porter: I'm not interested in killing you. If you want to walk... I'll let you.
- Constable Benton Fraser: I can't do that. You know it took me a while to figure out what you were doing. One doesn't ordinarily equate crime... with self-sacrifice.
- William Porter: I guess I'm going to have to take my offer back.
- Constable Benton Fraser: You went straight, William. A long time, six years...
- William Porter: I love how people like you think that earning four dollars an hour is great and noble. I couldn't afford to buy my kid a Christmas gift. That's not noble; it's pathetic.
- Fraser: Is there any insanity in our family?
- Fraser Sr.: No, not that I'm aware of.
- Fraser: Good.
- Fraser Sr.: Well, there was your uncle Tiberius that died wrapped in cabbage leaves, but we assumed that was a freak accident.