- Chris Griffin: I was going to school, and this guy won't let me.
- Peter Griffin: Oh yeah? Him and what army?
- Chris Griffin: The U.S. Army.
- [points to soldiers in street]
- Peter Griffin: Oh, that's a good army.
- Joe Swanson: You can't just come over here and annex my pool!
- Peter Griffin: Oh yeah? Well, according to paragraph 7, sentence 3, word 8 of the Geneva Convention... "the". So, tough luck, Swanson.
- [Peter forms his own country]
- Peter Griffin: I call it... Petoria. I was going to call it Peterland, but that gay bar by the airport took it.
- Police Officer: Hey. That's Against the law. You're coming with me.
- Peter Griffin: [singing to the tune of U Can't Touch this] Ah ah ah. Can't Touch Me/ Can't Touch me/ Ja ja ja ja just like the bad guy/ from Lethal Weapon 2/ I've got diplomatic Immunity/ so Hammer, you can't sue/ I can write graffiti even jay-walk in the streets/ I can Riot, loot, not give a hoot, and touch your sister's teat/ Can't touch me/ Can't touch me/
- Adam West: What in God's name is he doing?
- Peter Griffin: Can't Touch me.
- Cleveland: I believe that's the worm.
- Peter Griffin: [still singing] Can't touch me/ STOP, Peter time/ I'm a big shot, there's no doubt/ light a fire then pee it out/ Don't like it, kiss my rump/ Just for a minute, let's all do the bump/ Can't touch me/ Yeah, do the Peter Griffin Bump/ Can't touch me/ I'm Presidential Peter/ Interns think I'm hot/ Don't care if you're handicapped, I'll still park in your spot/ I've been around the world/ from Hartford to Back Bay/ It's Peter, Go Peter, I'm so Peter, Yo Peter, Let's see Regis rap this way/ Can't touch me.
- Jasper: Hey! You guys got any cheese doodles?
- [honks horn]
- Jasper: See, that's what I do, I ask for a snack, and then I blow the horn.
- [honks horn]
- Peter Griffin: Well how about you just give me your pen?
- Adam West: You mean this cheap little pen we have millions of back at the office?
- Peter Griffin: Yeah.
- Adam West: No!
- Glen Quagmire: Hey Peter, you can't drink that outside. You're gonna end up in jail. And not the good jail you see on Cinemax. The man jail.
- Chris Griffin: Dad, there's a guy outside who says I can't go to school.
- Peter Griffin: Yeah? Him and what army?
- Chris Griffin: The U.S. Army.
- Peter Griffin: ...that's a good army.
- Army Captain: [while trying to take over Peteoria] As you may presently yourself be fully made aware of, my grammar sucks.
- Peter Griffin: Oh, okay, here's another riddle. A woman has two children. Now, a homicidal maniac tells her she can only keep one. Which one does she let 'im kill?
- Brian Griffin: That's, that's not a riddle. That's, that's just terrible.
- Peter Griffin: Wrong! It's the ugly one.