- Lois Griffin: Meg, put your bib on.
- Meg Griffin: I don't want to wear a bib.
- Lois Griffin: Meg, honey, it's very cold in here. Maybe you'd be more comfortable with your bib on.
- Peter Griffin: She means your nipples are sticking out.
- Lisa McDonald: Bye, Dad. Don't wait up.
- Ronald McDonald: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute, Lisa. Come back here. You're not going out with all that make-up on.
- Lisa McDonald: But, Dad...
- Ronald McDonald: Upstairs. You're a McDonald, not a whore.
- Diane Simmons: Peter, do you think there may be any validity to what Meg is feeling?
- Peter: WHO ARE YOU CALLING UNCLE TOM?
- Chris Griffin: [On 'The Real Live Griffins' reality TV show] One time my dad pooped in the neighbor's yard and lied about it.
- Joe Swanson: I knew it! Well, I'm glad I used his shovel to clean it up.
- Stewie Griffin: The breakfast thing. Yes. It wasn't even about the eggs, really. Frankly, I like the yolks. I don't... I have no problem... it's just there's always been a lot of tension between Lois and me. And it's not so much I want to "kill" her. It's just I want her not to be alive anymore. Uh... I sometimes wonder if all women are this difficult. And then I think to myself, "My God! Wouldn't it be marvelous if I turned out to be a homosexual?"
- Meg Griffin: Mom!
- Chris Griffin: Hahahaha! Nipples!
- Meg Griffin: That's it! I want those cameras off!
- Chris Griffin: Fourth wall, you're breaking the fourth wall!
- Lois Griffin: Meg, you're the one that got us on TV in the first place.
- Meg Griffin: Well now, I am getting us off TV.
- [leaves angrily]
- Meg Griffin: I quit!
- Stewie Griffin: You, cameraman! Make sure you use that Cybill Shepherd filter. If they can make her look half-human, they should be able to take six months off my face.
- Peter Griffin: [opening drawer] Hey, Lois, there's a Bible in here!
- [He opens the book and dances around with it]
- Peter Griffin: Hey, look at me! I'm a Christian! I'm reading the Bible!
- Meg Griffin: Mom! Dad! I'm home!
- [she looks at the non-Griffins]
- Meg Griffin: Who are you?
- Tom Arnold: We're the Griffins!
- Meg Griffin: No you're not! You're Tom Arnold! And you're Fran Drescher, and you're... that fat guy from _Boogie Nights And you're the Olsen twins?
- Mary Kate Olsen: Blast! Damn you all! Victory is mine!
- Ashley Olsen: Who's leg do you have to hump to get a dry Martini around here?
- [cut to a hotel where the Griffins stayed]
- Fran Drescher: Oh Peter, you promised me you wouldn't drink at the stag party.
- [nasally laugh]
- Lois Griffin: Ugh, I do not sound like that. Oh, this is terrible. We're the laughing stock of the town and we lost our daughter!
- Peter Griffin: Hey, camera guy. Check this out.
- [holding up an old woman puppet]
- Peter Griffin: 'Peter Griffin and Madame.' Oh, Madam, you're a lusty old gal, aren't you?
- Peter Griffin: [as Madame] You're the one with your hand up my backside, darling.
- Peter Griffin: Oh! She got me!
- [the cameraman pans back to the sexy faux Meg, despite Peter's attempts to move in front of the camera]
- Peter Griffin: Hey! Hey, come back here! She's gonna sing Rainbow Connection!
- Peter Griffin: I find the toothpaste with the pump is a little easier to get on the brush. Ummm... you might have noticed my underwear has a hole in it. It's uh... you know, I... I don't see any reason to throw it out. The waist is still fine. You know, see. See, it's still real stretchy.
- Mayor Adam West: It was 360 years ago that Quahog founder Miles "Chatterbox" Musket set sail for the new colony of Rhode Island.
- Miles Musket: You know what I'm gonna do when we get to shore? First, I'm gonna have a snack. No, no, no. Shower first, snack second. I hope I see Indians! Think they'll have American cheese?
- Mayor Adam West: Ever the free thinker, Miles was thrown overboard for speaking his mind. He was as good as dead. But, as legend has it, he was saved by a magic clam, who brought him to shore and shared the vision of a new colony, which would be called Quahog.
- Clam: There are fields for tilling, woods for timber, and always the bounty of the sea.
- Miles Musket: Look at all this sand! Do you know there are beaches with black sand? Did I not pack my towel?
- Clam: Are you listening? I'm trying to help.
- Mayor Adam West: And help he did. Thanks to the clam's leadership, Quahog became a great and prosperous settlement. But relations between Miles and the clam soon soured.
- Miles Musket: [Miles and the clam are sitting at a table] I know he's an Indian, but what kind of a name is Squanto? Leslie or something like that would be nice.
- Clam: Shut up! Just shut up! God! Keep it to yourself once in a while! Oh! Here, look what I'm doing. All right? Look, watch this.
- [closes clam]
- Clam: Huh? Look.
- [closes clam again]
- Clam: See that, see that?
- [repeatedly opens and closes clam]
- Clam: Now try it with me. Huh? OK? OK?
- Mayor Adam West: Things only got worse. Before long, Miles began to contemplate killing the clam.
- [Miles is shown holding a musket while the clam sleeps in bed]
- Clam: [the clam confronts Miles the next morning; behind the clam are luggage cases] I was awake last night, Miles. I saw you. I think it's time for me to go.
- [the clam tugs at the luggage but it won't budge]
- Clam: I'll send for my things.
- [as the clam leaves, Miles chases after it before it gets to the shore and disappears]
- Miles Musket: Wait! Don't go! I'm sorry!
- [Miles mournfully wails]
- Mayor Adam West: Miles never spoke again. But every year until his death - from a combination of tuberculosis and a tomahawk to the head - he went to the shore on this day in hopes that the magic clam would return.
- Meg Griffin: [irate after being replaced on a Griffin Family reality show] How could you let them replace me?
- Peter Griffin: Believe me, Meg, it was better than Plan B.
- [Cut to the operating tent from M*A*S*H]
- Peter Griffin: [Brian walks in] Brian, put a mask on!
- Brian Griffin: I have an announcement: The plane carrying Meg Griffin was shot down over the Sea of Japan. It spun in. There were no survivors.
- Stewie Griffin: [enters wearing a dress] Who do I see about a Section Eight?
- Meg Griffin: Mom, you have to do something. Dad's on TV parading around in his underwear like some gross European guy!
- Mary Kate Olsen: Blast! Damn you all! Victory is mine!
- Ashley Olsen: Whose leg do I have to hump to get a dry martini around here?