Family Guy (TV Series)

Peter's Got Woods (2005)

Seth MacFarlane: Peter Griffin, Brian Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Glenn Quagmire, Tom Tucker, Quagmire's Son, Barney Rubble, Old Man #2, Pelican, Ronald Reagan

Photos 

Quotes 

• Peter Griffin : Whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait, wait, wait! You and your girlfriend are taking the name James Woods off the high school?

  Brian Griffin : Well, yes, for Martin Luther King.

  Peter Griffin : That's crazy. You're gonna name the school after the star of Space 1999?

  Brian Griffin : No, that's Martin Landau.

  Peter Griffin : Oh, the guy who played Sheneneh?

  Brian Griffin : That's Martin Lawrence.

  Peter Griffin : The drunk crooner?

  Brian Griffin : That's Dean Martin.

  Peter Griffin : The drink that's best served on the rocks?

  Brian Griffin : Martini and Rossi.

  Peter Griffin : The guy on West Wing?

  Brian Griffin : Martin Sheen.

  Peter Griffin : The guy from Platoon?

  Brian Griffin : Charlie Sheen.

  Peter Griffin : No, the other guy from Platoon.

  Brian Griffin : Uh...

  Peter Griffin : C'mon...

  Brian Griffin : Willem Dafoe?

  Peter Griffin : [holds up card]  Ooh, sorry. We were looking for Berenger, Tom Berenger. Thanks for playing, Brian, sorry it didn't work out for ya.

• Adam West : Want some corn?

  Brian Griffin : Sure.

  [Brian reaches into the bag, but withdraws when his paw becomes sticky with a viscous substance] 

  Brian Griffin : What kind of corn is this?

  Adam West : Creamed corn, I brought it from home. I don't like the corn they have here, it's too crunchy.

• Peter Griffin : [sat in the audience of a Miss USA Pageant, trying to pick up contestants as they walk on stage; first girl approaches]  Hey! How's it going? I'm Peter. You wanna go out sometime? Maybe you got a Saturday night free?

  [first girl walks away] 

  Peter Griffin : Yeah, you know what? To hell with you, then. Yeah, go to hell. Go to hell.

  [second girl approaches] 

  Peter Griffin : Hey! I'm Peter. What do you say you and me go get a couple of beers? Maybe we could - -

  [second girl walks away] 

  Peter Griffin : Oh, fine! You know what? You got mosquito-bite boobs anyway. I... I don't care. I don't care, I don't need you.

  [third girl approaches] 

  Peter Griffin : Hey! How are you? I'm Peter. I got a coupon for Sizzler with your name on it. You know? Maybe the two of us can - -

  [third girl walks away] 

  Peter Griffin : Ah, you know what? I don't care, you're a bitch.

• Peter Griffin : [looking at the wrong news article]  200 die in train derailment. Oh god, Lois! That is morbidly obese!

• Peter Griffin : James, do we really have to watch "Videodrome"?

  James Woods : Yeah, I think you're really going to appreciate all the subtle nuances of my performance. See, even though that guy is talking, your eye is drawn to me.

  Peter Griffin : [unimpressed]  Yeah, is there going to be any nudity?

  James Woods : Yes, I get naked.

• Peter Griffin : So, Brian, you ready to go play some darts at the Clam?

  Brian Griffin : Oh, sorry, Peter, I can't make it tonight. I have a date.

  [in surprise, Peter spits out his milk all over Meg] 

  Meg Griffin : Dad!

  Peter Griffin : But you were supposed to drive tonight! What am I supposed to do? If I drive, I'll have to have a bunch of drinks first, because I am very self-conscious about my driving.

  Stewie Griffin : Oh, you've got a date. What's his name? HA! Do you see? Do you see that? Do you see what I did? I made it seem as though you were a homosexual. That's funny to me.

  Lois Griffin : How exciting, Brian! So, who's the lucky lady?

  Brian Griffin : Well, um, actually her name is Shauna Parks.

  Lois Griffin : Meg's teacher?

  [Peter spits out his milk a second time, again all over Meg] 

• Peter Griffin : Me? Go to a PTA meeting? What, are you high?

  Lois Griffin : Nah, not anymore, I crashed hours ago. By the way, we are out of chips, cookies, and funnybones.

• Brian Griffin : Hey Peter. Where's James Woods?

  Peter Griffin : Eh, it turns out he wasn't very good at catching stuff with his mouth. Where's your girlfriend?

  Brian Griffin : Eh, same problem.

  Brian Griffin , Peter Griffin : Whoa!