Family Guy (TV Series)

The Story on Page One (2000)

Wally Wingert: Auctioneer

Quotes 

• [Stewie is electronically controlling Chris and is waiting outside the hardware store while Chris goes inside] 

  Stewie Griffin : All right, now walk up to the counter.

  [Chris does] 

  Stewie Griffin : That's it, ring the bell!

  [he does] 

  Shopkeep : Well, hi there.

  Stewie Griffin : Good day, shopkeep.

  Chris Griffin : [parroting]  Good day, shopkeep. I require a hand-operated buzzsaw capable of cutting through a human sternum.

  Shopkeep : What?

  Stewie Griffin : It's for a school project. I'm... some sort of student sent here for... oh, blast, what the devil do they study? Uh, Latin class!

  Shopkeep : Uh, sorry, kid, I can't sell power tools to minors.

  Chris Griffin : Now, look here, you gourd-bellied codpiece! Allow me to purchase the provisions I demand or I shall transform your blue collar into a red one and - who the deuce are you? No, I don't have any spare change. Where the hell would I keep it, in my diaper? Get out of here, you hobo!... Oh, bloody hell, is this thing still on?

  Shopkeep : [stares in confusion] 

• Man : Mayor West asked me to give you this.

  [the man hands Meg a bomb, which explodes and makes Meg's beak be on her face backward] 

  Meg Griffin : [Putting her beak back on the right way]  Of course you realize, this means war.

• Stewie Griffin : This isn't the first time my small stature has hindered my plans.

  [flashback] 

  Auctioneer : Item 157... Global Domination. Enslave the human race. Do I have any bids?

  Stewie Griffin : OOH. OOH. ME. ME.

  Auctioneer : I'll take any bids. $1. Enslave the human race for $1?

  Stewie Griffin : BEHIND THE FAT CHICK. OOH. OOH.