- Peter Griffin: I dunno, Brian, maybe Lois is right. Maybe it is time for me to get a job.
- Brian Griffin: Yeah, too bad you always blow it in the interview.
- [Peter is seen at a job interview]
- Interviewer: Okay, Peter, where do you see yourself in five years?
- Peter Griffin: [thinking] Don't say doing your wife, don't say doing your wife, don't say doing your wife.
- Peter Griffin: [out loud] Doing your...
- [sees a picture of the interviewer's son]
- Peter Griffin: son?
- Machine: You have 113 new messages.
- [Phone starts to beep]
- Lois Griffin: Oh my!
- Herbert: Uh, yeah, I was just wonderin', uh... where the newspaper boy was.
- [beep]
- Herbert: Haven't seen the newspaper in a couple days. Wonderin' if he ever gon' come back.
- [beep]
- Herbert: Guess who? Sorry to leave you so many messages. Just lonely here. Thinkin' about the muscly-armed paperboy. Wishin' he'd come by and bring me some good news.
- [beep]
- Herbert: Where are ya?
- [beep]
- Herbert: Ah, you're startin' to piss me off, you little piggly sumbitch. Call me.
- Herbert: Hey, muscly arm, why the long face?
- Chris: It's this girl. I can't talk to her. It's like girls are a different species or something.
- Herbert: Who needs them? You like Popsicles?
- Chris: Well, sure.
- Herbert: Then you need to come on down to the cellar. I got a whole freezer full of Popsicles.
- Chris: No, thanks. I gotta get going.
- Herbert: Don't make me beg now.
- Chris: You're funny. Bye.
- Herbert: Get your fat ass back here.
- [the family is relocated to a small house in the South]
- Meg Griffin: Eww, we're going to be living here?
- Lois Griffin: Now come on Meg, I bet if we fixed it up a little, it could be a piece of crap.
- [Peter and Brian have just jumped their car off a flatbed truck like The Dukes of Hazzard]
- Peter Griffin: Oh, man. That was great. Hey, maybe next time we can get Meg to be Boss Hogg and Chris can be Anus.
- Brian Griffin: Enis.
- Peter Griffin: What'd I say?
- Brian Griffin: Anus.
- [Peter laughs hysterically]
- Peter Griffin: [clearing his throat] Excuse me but I'm pretty sure the north won the war.
- [dead silence]
- Chris Griffin: Where do you think you go when you die?
- Sam: I learned from church that if you're good you go to heaven but if you're bad, you go to a place where the dead believe they're still living and they pray for death but death won't come.
- Chris Griffin: UPN?
- Stewie Griffin: [playing Banjo and Singing] Heard her on my C.B. said her name was Mimi, sounded like an angel come to Earth.
- Hillbilly Band: [singing] Come to Earth.
- Stewie Griffin: [singing] But when i went to meet her, boy you should have seen her, twice as big as me, three times the girth.
- Hillbilly Band: [singing] Times the Girth.
- Stewie Griffin: [singing] Oh my big baby loves to eat.
- Hillbilly Band: [singing] Loves to eat.
- Stewie Griffin: A big old Budda belly and breasts way past her feet. Oh my big baby loves to e-e-eat, my big old fat-ass baby loves to eat.
- [finishes playing]
- Stewie Griffin: I've got blisters on me fingers!
- Peter Griffin: Hey uh Lois, I don't get how this works. It's just a hole. I don't think it goes anywhere. No, it definitely doesn't go anywhere.
- [Bird hits the outhouse, knocking it over]
- Peter Griffin: Ugh! Oh God! It's everywhere! Ugh! It's in my raccoon wounds! Oh God!
- Meg Griffin: [opening the closet door] Someone's in the closet!
- Jeff Foxworthy: You know you're a redneck when your gun rack has a gun rack on it.
- Stewie Griffin: You suck!
- [slams the closet door shut]
- Lois Griffin: [the Griffin family first enter their new dilapidated house] Ughhh, what's that smell?
- Brian Griffin: It's either bad meat or good cheese.