Fawlty Towers (TV Series)
The Psychiatrist (1979)
John Cleese: Basil Fawlty
Photos
Quotes
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Sybil Fawlty : Good evening, Mr. Johnson!
Mr. Johnson : Evening! Any messages?
Polly : Um, three, I think.
Sybil Fawlty : Three! Everybody wants you, don't they?
Mr. Johnson : [chuckles] I wouldn't say that.
Sybil Fawlty : Ah, well, you're only single once.
Basil Fawlty : [calling from office] Twice can be arranged.
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Basil Fawlty : [to Sybil] I'm fed up with you, you rancorous, coiffured old sow. Why don't you syringe the donuts out of your ear and get some sense into the dormant organ you keep hidden in that rat's maze of yours?
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Basil Fawlty : [to a telephone operator, conversing while Sybil converses right next to him on another line] I've been trying to get through to the speaking clock... Well, it's engaged... Well, it's been engaged for ten minutes. How is this possible? My wife isn't talking to it.
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Major Gowen : I... I... I thought you ought to know!
Basil Fawlty : What?
Major Gowen : There's... There's a psychiatrist in the hotel.
Basil Fawlty : Yes, I know.
Major Gowen : Oh, you know?
Basil Fawlty : Yes.
Major Gowen : Oh! Well, apparently he's... he's dressed up as a guest.
Basil Fawlty : Well, he IS a guest, Major.
Major Gowen : Oh! Well, your guess is as good as mine.
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[the doctors ask how often the Fawltys can get away for a holiday, but Basil, paranoid over one of them being a psychiatrist, thinks their inquiry is about his sex life]
Dr. Abbott : How often can you and your wife manage it? You don't mind my asking?
Basil Fawlty : [like a deer in headlights] Not at all. Not at all. About average, since you asked.
Mrs. Abbott : Average?
Basil Fawlty : Mm-hm.
Dr. Abbott : What would be average?
Basil Fawlty : Well, you tell me. Ha-ha.
Mrs. Abbott : Well, um... couple of times a year?
Basil Fawlty : What?
Dr. Abbott : Once a year? Well, we knew it must be difficult. My wife couldn't see how you could manage it at all.
Basil Fawlty : [affronted] Well, as you've asked, two or three times a week, actually.
Dr. Abbott : A week?
Basil Fawlty : Yes. Pretty normal, isn't it? We're quite normal down here in Torquay, you know.
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Sybil Fawlty : I have had it up to here with you.
Basil Fawlty : How, dear?
Sybil Fawlty : You never get it right, do you? You're either crawling all over them, licking their boots, or spitting poison at them like some benzedrine puff adder.
Basil Fawlty : Just trying to enjoy myself.
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Basil Fawlty : [to the Abbotts] It's rather fascinating your both being doctors. Port for you, Doctor. Because, at one stage I was contemplating becoming a surgeon.
Sybil Fawlty : [interjecting] A tree surgeon. Ha-ha!
Basil Fawlty : Thank you, Sybil.
Sybil Fawlty : Had to give it up. Couldn't stand the sight of sap. Ha!
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Basil Fawlty : We have a Spanish porter we're training for the moment. It'd be quicker to train an APE!
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Basil Fawlty : What in God's game are you... you doing? What did you hit me for?
Sybil Fawlty : How dare you!
[She slaps his face again]
Sybil Fawlty : How DARE you!
Basil Fawlty : Have you gone mad? What's got into you?
Sybil Fawlty : You really don't know?
Basil Fawlty : No, I don't!
Sybil Fawlty : What were you doing up that ladder? Come on!
Basil Fawlty : I was trying to see the girl!
Sybil Fawlty : What?
Basil Fawlty : Is that so strange?
[She slaps him again]
Basil Fawlty : STOP HITTING ME!
Sybil Fawlty : Get away from this door and don't you dare come in here tonight!
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Basil Fawlty : Are you dining here tonight, here in this unfashionable dump?
Mr. Johnson : I wasn't planning to.
Basil Fawlty : No, not really your scene, is it?
Mr. Johnson : I thought I'd try somewhere in town. Anywhere you recommend?
Basil Fawlty : Well, what sort of food were you thinking of... fruit or...?
Mr. Johnson : Anywhere they do French food?
Basil Fawlty : Yes, France, I believe. They seem to like it there, and the swim would certainly sharpen your appetite. You'd better hurry, the tide leaves in six minutes.
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Basil Fawlty : Charming, eh? Well he's certainly covered in charms. I've never seen so many medals around one neck in my life. He must be the bravest orangutan in Britain.
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Basil Fawlty : The Abbotts. Charming couple.
Sybil Fawlty : Yes, all three of them.
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Basil Fawlty : It's nice to have that kind of person staying, isn't it? Professional class, educated, civilized. We've both ends of the evolutionary scale this week, haven't we?
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Basil Fawlty : Sybil, that type would wear a dog turd round its neck if it was made of gold.
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Sybil Fawlty : Thank you, Mr. Abbott. Oh, Dr. Abbott, sorry.
Basil Fawlty : Doctor?
Dr. Abbott : Yes?
Basil Fawlty : I'm terribly sorry, we hadn't been told. We hadn't been told you were a doctor.
Dr. Abbott : Oh.
Basil Fawlty : How do you do, Doctor? Very nice to have you with us, Doctor.
Dr. Abbott : Thank you.
Sybil Fawlty : You're in room five, Doctor.
Basil Fawlty : And Mrs. Abbott, how do you do?
Dr. Abbott : Dr. Abbott, actually.
Basil Fawlty : I'm sorry?
Dr. Abbott : Dr. Abbott.
Mrs. Abbott : Two doctors.
Basil Fawlty : You're two doctors?
Mrs. Abbott : Yes.
Basil Fawlty : Well, how did you become two doctors? It's most unusual. I mean, did you take the exam twice, or...
Dr. Abbott : No. My wife's a doctor.
Mrs. Abbott : I'm a doctor.
Basil Fawlty : You're a doctor, too. So you're three doctors!
Dr. Abbott : No, I'm just... I'm just one doctor. My wife is another doctor.
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Basil Fawlty : How old would you say she was, Sybil?
Sybil Fawlty : 48, 50?
Basil Fawlty : Oh, now, Sybil!
Sybil Fawlty : I really don't know, Basil. Perhaps she's 12.
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Mrs. Abbott : Do you have a... a guide to Torquay?
Basil Fawlty : A guide... Um, oh dear. I think we're out of them again.
Mr. Johnson : Do you want to look at this one? I got it in town.
Mrs. Abbott : Oh, thanks. Yes. "What's on in Torquay."
Mr. Johnson : Yes. One of the world's shortest books.
Basil Fawlty : What?
Mr. Johnson : One of the world's shortest books. Like "The Wit of Margaret Thatcher", or "Great English Lovers".
Sybil Fawlty : [laughing] He's very funny, isn't he, Basil?
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Basil Fawlty : I was just wondering, are you in fact Australian at all, by any chance, may I ask?
Raylene Miles : Oh, dear. Is my accent that strong?
Basil Fawlty : Oh, no, no, no. It's just that you're quite tall, so I thought, perhaps, you know.