The Flintstones (TV Series)

Wilma's Vanishing Money (1962)

Alan Reed: Fred Flintstone

Quotes 

• Fred Flintstone : Remember that little boy who chopped down the cherry tree? And then, when his father asked who did it, he said, ''I cannot tell a lie. I did it.''

  Barney Rubble : Then what happened?

  Fred Flintstone : Nothing. He had told the truth, and his father didn't do a thing to him. Not a thing.

  Barney Rubble : Well, how could he? The kid was holding a hatchet at the time.

• Fred Flintstone : [about Arnold]  Why is that kid always hanging around here? Why can't he play outside on the freeway?

• [when Fred insists on telling Wilma the truth] 

  Fred Flintstone : Well, if this happened to you, wouldn't you tell your wife?

  Barney Rubble : Well, uh, sure, except for one thing.

  Fred Flintstone : What's that?

  Barney Rubble : Fear!

• Barney Rubble : Guess we better quit, Fred. Your mind's not on the game.

  Fred Flintstone : Oh, you are so right. That kid Arnold playing detective has got me worried. I keep seeing me doing 20 years on the rock pile for stealing my own money.

• Clerk : Oh yes, let's see now, bowling balls. Ah yes, here it is. Our best seller, and it's marked down.

  Fred Flintstone : Black, huh? Does it come in brown?

  Clerk : Brown. You did say brown, didn't you?

  Fred Flintstone : Yes.

  Clerk : [shows him a bowling ball]  Brown.

  Fred Flintstone : What do you think, Barney?

  Barney Rubble : Gee, I don't know Fred.

  Fred Flintstone : You're right, black was better.

  Clerk : Black?

  [shoves a bowling ball at Fred again] 

  Clerk : Black.

  Fred Flintstone : The first one was blacker!

  Clerk : [getting annoyed]  This IS the first one!

  Fred Flintstone : What do you think, Barney?

  Barney Rubble : Come to think of it, brown wasn't bad.

  Fred Flintstone : No, no it wasn't.

  Clerk : [sarcastically]  Maybe you'd rather have it in baby blue, to go with your eyes.

  Barney Rubble : How come these are marked down?

  Clerk : They've been slightly used in tournament play.

  Fred Flintstone : What shape is this ball in?

  Clerk : Generally speaking, round.

  Fred Flintstone : What can I get that's a little more catchy?

  Clerk : I know, how about the measles?

  Fred Flintstone : How about the measles? What is with this guy?

• Wilma Flintstone : Oh, Fred, this is terrible!

  Fred Flintstone : Now, now don't be upset, honey. I... I tell you, the money will turn up.

  Wilma Flintstone : You think so?

  Fred Flintstone : Oh, i-it probably wasn't stolen at all.

  [Arnold enters] 

  Arnold : Oh, yes, it was.

  Fred Flintstone : I thought I told you to get outta here.

  Arnold : I've taken over the case.

  Fred Flintstone : You have what?

  Arnold : You're lucky. I know all about these things from the private eye shows on TV.

  Fred Flintstone : You're gonna have a private eye in eight shades of black.

  Wilma Flintstone : Now, Fred, the boy is just trying to help.

  Arnold : I found a clue as to the person who took it.

  Fred Flintstone : You have?

  Arnold : [pulls out a string]  He was wearing a goatskin suit.

  Fred Flintstone : So what? Lots of people wear goatskin suits.

  Arnold : With coffee stains?

  Fred Flintstone : Well, uh, who says goats can't drink coffee?

  Arnold : And scrambled eggs?

  [Barney hums the Dragnet theme song] 

  Fred Flintstone : You keep out of this, Barney.

• Fred Flintstone : How about that, Barney? She was saving that money to buy a present for me.

  Barney Rubble : Women. You just can't trust them.

  Fred Flintstone : Well, I guess there's only one thing to do.

  Barney Rubble : Volunteer as an astronaut?

  Fred Flintstone : No. I'll just tell her what happened. I was looking through the dresser for a hairpin to fix the toaster, saw her money, and took it.

  Barney Rubble : Being an astronaut is safer.

• Silky : I did it only for my five starving little tots.

  Arnold : Five?

  Silky : Yeah. Uh, uh, I mean, four. And then there's Mother and Dad, too. Uh, they're in their 90s. And then there's my brothers and sisters and...

  Fred Flintstone : All right! All right! Knock it off! I suppose there's something in the poor man's story, Wilma.

  Wilma Flintstone : Yes, Fred. After all, he was returning the money.

  Fred Flintstone : That's right. Here, my good man. Here's five, and we'll forget the whole thing.

  [gives the burglar five dollars] 

  Silky : Five, huh? Uh, lady, eh, I want you to hear the whole story.

  Fred Flintstone : [gives the burglar five more dollars]  Let's make it ten.

  Silky : You are so good, so kind. I thank you. Not for me, but for the little ones.

  Arnold : Gee, you poor robber.

  [gives the burglar another five dollars] 

  Arnold : Here. Make it 15.

  Silky : Bless you, one and all.

  [starts to leave] 

  Silky : I want you to know this means a lot to me, just to know that there are decent people in this cruel world. We're grateful, Mabel and I, Gregory and Rock and Irving and Shirley and John and Marsha, Sue and David, and most of all, little Tiny Tim.

  Arnold : Gosh, Mr. Flintstone. You're sure a good egg.

  Fred Flintstone : Well, I, um, after all, I always believe in helping in every way possible. It's a privilege. I only wish we could do more for him.

  Wilma Flintstone : We can, Fred, we can.

  [Wilma takes all of Fred's remaining money to give to the robber] 

  Fred Flintstone : Hey, just a minute! That dough was for my birthday present!

  Wilma Flintstone : I know, Fred. Like you said, this is a privilege.

  Fred Flintstone : Oh, boy. Me and my big mouth.

• Barney Rubble : Uh-oh. Here comes Arnold.

  Fred Flintstone : What now, Sherlock?

  Arnold : I've been looking at the windows. No sign of forceful entry.

  Fred Flintstone : So what?

  Arnold : And nothing else in the room was disturbed. The thief knew right where to go.

  Fred Flintstone : So what?

  Arnold : So, it must be someone who has been in the house before, and often.

  [Fred remains silent] 

  Barney Rubble : Uh, go ahead, Fred. Say, ''So what?''

• Fred Flintstone : Wilma, I'd like to tell you something.

  Wilma Flintstone : Oh, that terrible, awful man!

  Fred Flintstone : Who?

  Wilma Flintstone : Anyone who would take a woman's money that she'd scrimped and save for...

  Fred Flintstone : Yeah, but...

  Wilma Flintstone : A person like that's not fit to live.

  Fred Flintstone : Now, honey, calm yourself. You see...

  Wilma Flintstone : Shooting's too good for him! I hope they catch him. I'd like to get my hands on him. I'd show him!

  Fred Flintstone : Uh, uh. uh, um...

  Wilma Flintstone : Oh, what was it you wanted to tell me?

  Fred Flintstone : Well, I...

  [stutters] 

  Fred Flintstone : Ooh! Oooh!

  Wilma Flintstone : What is it?

  Fred Flintstone : Uh, uh, I hope they catch that awful crook, too!

• Fred Flintstone : [to a burglar]  Say, pal, how would you like to make a couple of bucks the easy way?

  Silky : Look, I apologize for having a one-track mind, but couldn't we finish the stickup first and talk business later?

  Fred Flintstone : Nope. I want you to break into a house, leave money there, and leave.

  Silky : You want me to put money in the house? What are you trying to do, revolutionize my business?

  Barney Rubble : Well, uh, this is kind of special.

  Silky : But how can I face my family? And what would the boys downtown say?

  Barney Rubble : We wouldn't squeal.

  Fred Flintstone : All you have to do is break into the bedroom, put the money in the drawer with this note saying you're sorry you took it.

  Silky : But I didn't take it! That would be like telling a fib.

• Silky : Wait a minute. Wasn't this money meant for your gift?

  Fred Flintstone : That's right.

  Silky : And she saved it up all by herself?

  Fred Flintstone : Yes. Yes.

  Silky : And your birthday's coming up?

  Fred Flintstone : That's right! That's right!

  Silky : Well, forgive me for being a sentimental fool...

  Fred Flintstone : It's all right!

  Silky : But...

  [shakes Fred's hand] 

  Silky : Happy birthday!

  [runs off] 

  Silky : So long!

  Wilma Flintstone : Fred, I know you did the right thing. This is one birthday you'll never forget.

  Fred Flintstone : You're so right, Wilma. You are so right.

  [cries heavily] 

• [Arnold finds the bag with Fred's new bowling ball inside] 

  Arnold : What's that?

  Wilma Flintstone : Just a loaf of pumpernickel Fred brought home.

  Arnold : What's it doing on the floor?

  Fred Flintstone : How would you like to join it?

  Wilma Flintstone : Now, Fred, please.

  Fred Flintstone : I'd just like to know what he's trying to prove.

  Arnold : That's a good question.

  Fred Flintstone : Wilma, this kid has got to go, and preferably in many tiny pieces.