- Frasier: Niles, will you please stop being so morose? It is Thanksgiving.
- Niles: Oh, you're right! I should count my blessings: I'm in the midst of a bitter divorce. Maris is freezing my assets, forcing me to live in the Shangri-La, which is the devil's own apartment complex. Where, last night, they turned off my heat, re-freezing my assets.
- Frasier: Oh, hey, Daph. My God, you look hideous.
- Daphne: Thank you! Now I wouldn't normally wear polyester on the hottest day of the year, but some English friends of mine are having an Ugly American party in honor of the Fourth.
- [masculine American accent]
- Daphne: We're gonna toss back a couple a' cold brewskis, watch the ball game, and not use the metric system.
- Niles: Last night, Daphne and I engaged in sweet carnal delights.
- Martin Crane: [uneasy] Did you say "carnal" or "caramel?"
- Daphne: Hello!
- Frasier: Oh, hi!
- [kisses her cheek and hugs her]
- Frasier: How was the honeymoon?
- Daphne: Oh, Tahiti was absolute paradise - except for poor Niles getting sunburned.
- Frasier: [Niles staggers in] Oh dear, Niles. You look like you've crawled out of a bisque.
- Niles: And you look like someone who doesn't want his Paul Gauguin souvenir oven mitt.
- Frasier: Niles, you remembered.
- Frasier: Oh Daphne, my bath salts man has just delivered a new shipment of my proprietary blend--could you please run me a tub tonight?
- Daphne: Dr. Crane, I know what you're going to do!
- Niles: You do?
- Daphne: Not you, Dr. Crane, Dr. Crane! And you can't fire me, because I quit!
- Frasier: What?
- Daphne: After all I've done to save you money! I'm washing my face with dish soap while you're out buying imported bath salts like a big rich girl! I hope you rot in debtors' prison!
- Martin Crane: It's 14.
- Frasier: What?
- Martin Crane: You're reading about Jack Russel terriers, right? Thats how many years they live, 14.