- Dr. Niles Crane: Olga and I were up till all hours at a party for the Royal Shakespeare Company. I'm rubbing pretty impressive shoulders these days. And to think it's all because I have a small column.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: That would certainly be the Freudian interpretation!
- [referring to Poppy's review of "A Streetcar Named Desire"]
- Dr. Niles Crane: Well, I wish you had lent her your Tennessee Williams biography. She wouldn't have kept forgetting his name and calling him Indiana Jones.
- Martin Crane: Remember last week when Eddie killed his first rat? And how proud I was? I told you that story, right?
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, Dad, you told us. If you had a guitar you would have written a ballad.
- Martin Crane: Well, we were just down in the basement and I saw another rat. I said, "go get him, boy!" So just as he picked him up, had him in his teeth, shaking the life out of him, and I hear this little bell, ting-a-ling. And I thought, "that's funny - rats don't wear bells!"
- Daphne Moon: Oh, little Robbie Greenberg's missing hamster.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, I read that flyer. He was offering a ten dollar reward.
- Martin Crane: Well, the most we can claim at this point is about six-fifty.
- Dr. Niles Crane: I simply phoned the box office and said this is Niles Crane, the new arts critic for "The Monocle".
- Daphne Moon: "The Monocle". Isn't that that magazine they hand out to rich people in all the snootiest apartment buildings?
- Dr. Niles Crane: [proudly] And the snootiest hotels.
- Roz Doyle: I see Poppy's having a little party.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: That is not a party. That's a hostage situation.
- Roz Doyle: [about Poppy] Thank God today is her last day. You know, this morning she cornered me by the coffee machine and told me her whole life story. I just wanted to grab her by the throat and say, "What am I, your biographer? Shut up!"
- Dr. Niles Crane: You just can't stand it that my opinion means more than yours. That the arts community looks to me for my insight, my approval, my thumbs-up.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: I think we both know what your thumb's up these days!
- Gil Chesterton: Dear God! I thought I'd never break free. I felt like a mongoose at the mercy of a chatty cobra.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: We don't want to be late for the curtain.
- Dr. Niles Crane: Don't be silly, I'm press now. They'll hold it.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Niles!
- Dr. Niles Crane: Prepare to whoop like a sweepstakes winner! Cancel our dinner! I've scored us two seats, front row, for the event of the season!
- Dr. Frasier Crane: You mean...?
- Dr. Niles Crane: Yes!
- Dr. Frasier Crane: But...?
- Dr. Niles Crane: I know!
- [proudly holds up tickets]
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Niles!
- Martin Crane: [to Daphne] I love when they do it this way, I can pretend it's a Seahawks game.
- Martin Crane: So, are you sure you're okay with Niles getting this critic job?
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Why wouldn't I be, Dad?
- Martin Crane: Oh, come on, I know what it's like with you two when one of you gets something the other one doesn't have. It's like when you were kids. Niles got a telescope, so you had to have a telescope. You got that funny little guitar, Niles...
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Dad, it was called a lute!
- Martin Crane: Oh yeah, whatever.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: My God, it's for the Cecilia Bartoli concert! My God, they've been sold out for months. How on earth did you score these tickets?
- Dr. Niles Crane: I simply phoned the box office and said this is Niles Crane, the new arts critic for The Monocle.
- Daphne Moon: The Monocle. Isn't that that magazine they hand out to rich people in all the snootiest apartment buildings?
- Dr. Niles Crane: And the snootiest hotels.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: How could this happen, Niles?
- Dr. Niles Crane: I was at a party thrown by the publisher, Olga Suerbread. The pretentious fop who had the job before me was there too, spouting sheer drivel about Leonard Bernstein. Being polite, I kept my tongue sheathed. Until he referred to Bernstein's conducting as "overrated."
- Dr. Frasier Crane: [indignant] I assume you pounced?
- Dr. Niles Crane: [dignified] Like a ninja! By the time I had finished with him, Olga could see I was a far better critic than that arrogant poseur.
- Daphne Moon: She fired him right there?
- Dr. Niles Crane: Well, he was leaving anyway for his junior year abroad.
- Dr. Niles Crane: You conniving copy-cat! You have to have whatever I have.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: I don't have what you have. My audience is twice as large as yours is!
- Dr. Niles Crane: Well, at least my audience can read!
- Dr. Frasier Crane: How dare you review my audience!
- Dr. Niles Crane: I'll review anything I want to!
- Dr. Niles Crane: If it's any consolation, I got fired from "The Monocle."
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Niles, I'm sorry.
- Dr. Niles Crane: I panned a wretched musical, not realizing the lead was the person who does Olga's hair.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: She fired you just to placate her hairdresser?
- Dr. Niles Crane: Electrolysist. And if you'd ever seen her in a sundress, you'd forgive her as I have.
- Poppy: I think it's marvelous what you do. To really help people, unlike the psychiatrists I've been to. Both of them had some sort of, I don't know, narcolepsy.
- Poppy: You know, I should get the name of your dentist. I can't find one I like. They're always giving me Novocaine when I don't need it and then it's hours before I can talk again.
- Poppy: I once sat next to Mr. Brando on the Concorde and we had a very lovely chat until a sudden cramp forced him to change seats.