Frasier (TV Series)

The Show Where Diane Comes Back (1996)

Kelsey Grammer: Dr. Frasier Crane

Photos 

Quotes 

• [Frasier interrupts Niles's psychiatric session with a client, Mr. Carr] 

  Frasier : [horrified]  She's back, the scourge of my existence!

  Niles : Strange, I usually get some sign when Lilith is in town: dogs forming into packs, blood weeping down the wall.

  Frasier : [horrified]  I'm talking about... Diane Chambers!

  Niles : [to the intercom]  Lucille, send Mr. Carr home.

• Martin Crane : Listen, it's none of my business, but you're not falling for her again, are you?

  Frasier : What if I were?

  Martin Crane : That woman dumped you at the altar.

  Frasier : Oh, that was the old Diane. She no longer sees herself as the center of the universe. And I'm not the old Frasier, either. People can change, Dad.

  Martin Crane : Yeah, I suppose you're right. Take me for instance. The old Martin would have said "you're out of your mind. I'd rather see you go gay and shack up with the punk who shot me than go off with her. I'd rather see you sewed up inside the body of a dead horse." But the new Martin just says "vivee a l'amour."

  Frasier : The new Frasier resists the temptation to correct your French.

• Daphne Moon : I wish someone would just tell me who this woman is, and why we're trying to impress the pants off her.

  Frasier : She's a one-time Boston barmaid who had a nervous breakdown and ended up in a sanitorium, where I met her, fell for her, and then was so mercilessly rejected by her that to this day there remains a sucking chest wound where once there dwelled a heart!

• [after Frasier runs across town and bursts into one of Niles's sessions] 

  Niles : [writing]  Well, why do you think you reacted that way?

  Frasier : Oh, spare me the psychiatrist bit, Niles! That includes putting down the pad!

  [Niles lays his pad on the desk] 

  Frasier : In the drawer, Niles!

  Niles : [complies]  Fine. My first question to you is this: are you still in love with her?

  Frasier : [shoots up from his chair and paces the office]  No! Not in the least! It's a ridiculous suggestion!

  Niles : Seeing as I have nowhere to write the phrase "classic denial," I'll move on...

• Niles : [Frasier plans to flaunt his success in front of Diane]  I'd just like to be on the record as saying I'm against it.

  Frasier : Fine.

  Niles : You know the path that leads to peace with Diane and you're rejecting it.

  Frasier : Yes.

  Niles : I'm washing my hands of the entire matter.

  Frasier : Wouldn't miss it for the world though, would you?

  Niles : I'll be there at seven with a cheeky Bordeaux.

• Niles : So, about this woman for whom you have so little feeling that you raced across town and burst into one of my sessions... is there any lingering resentment?

  Frasier : [shouting]  Over what?

  Niles : Well, she did leave at the altar. When you told her how that made you feel, was there anything you left unsaid?

  [Frasier looks away] 

  Niles : Any phrase or feeling you wished you had expressed to her?

  [Frasier looks away more] 

  Niles : I'm making the assumption here that you did tell her how you felt.

  Frasier : I sort of did.

  Niles : "Sort of" is another one of those phrases that just wants to go in my pad.

• Frasier : [Niles is seated at a coffee table]  My God, Niles, it's such a glorious day! I walked all the way here. Thirty-two blocks, and Bruno Mallies be damned!

  [sits down] 

  Frasier : Oh yes, I see the look, I know exactly what it means too. How could I very well say "no" to Diane? She came to me in crisis.

  [to a passing waitress] 

  Frasier : Oh, excuse me, a double cappuccino, please, light cinnamon, thank you very much.

  [sighs] 

  Frasier : Oh, you know, the change in Diane has really been quite gratifying. Dropped her off at the theater today, and there was a smile on her face that I haven't seen in... well, far too many years. Oh, I know what you're thinking. Where did she get the money to do the play? Well, she found a backer!

  [pause] 

  Frasier : [Defensively]  It's tax deductible!

  [the waitress brings his coffee] 

  Frasier : Thank you. Oh, why don't you go ahead and say what you're thinking, Niles? That I'm falling for her again. "Well, you did bounce in here as though you were on top of the world, and babbling about her smile"-I just don't want to hear it, Niles! I'm simply helping her to get back on her feet and out of my life as quickly as possible. No, I don't know how long it's going to take.

  [Niles opens his mouth to speak] 

  Frasier : Look, I said I don't know! Oh, really, Niles! Curse you, you are the most infuriating busybody! I'm not sitting with you.

  [Frasier gets up and goes to another table. Niles takes a little pad out of his jacket and starts writing] 

• Franklin : [Frasier is watching Diane's play, where he is portrayed as a pleasant pushover]  Could we just stop for a second? This whole getting-left-at-the-altar thing-I just don't know what I'm supposed to be feeling.

  Frasier : *I* may be able to illuminate that for you!

  [gets up and storms onstage] 

  Frasier : What you are feeling is that this woman has reached into your chest, plucked out your heart, and thrown it to her hell-hounds for a chew toy! And it's not the last time either! Because that's what this woman is! She is the devil! There's no use running away from her, because no matter how far you go, no matter how many years you let pass, you will never be completely out of reach of those bony fingers! So, drink hearty, Franklin, and laugh! Because you have made a pact with Beelzebub! And her name is Mary Ann!

• Dr. Niles Crane : Now, Frasier, you know her better than I. Is that what she looks like when she's writhing in envy?

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Oh, shut up. All right, I admit you were right. Before she leaves here tonight, I am going to tell her how much pain she made me feel.

  [energetically sprinkling sugar on the cakes] 

  Dr. Frasier Crane : The savage truth this time-there will be no sugarcoating it! And yes, I am aware of the irony!

  [blows a puff in Niles's face] 

• Frasier : [Martin walks in just after Diane invites Frasier to see her play]  Are you sure you're ready for this?

  Diane Chambers : Oh yes, it's time. Tonight, I bare myself to you.

  Frasier : [Martin ducks behind the pillar]  Big step, Diane.

  Diane Chambers : Oh well, I have to say I'm a little nervous about it. But, barring any lighting or prop problems, the whole thing will be over in a couple of hours.

  Martin Crane : [heading to the kitchen]  Hello! People still in the house here!

• Frasier : I'm going to invite Diane over for dinner tonight, and I'm really gonna flaunt my success, really rub her nose in it! That'll prove I'm not just some cast-aside that never got over her. Niles, I know it's not psychologically sound.

  [Tenderly] 

  Frasier : But we're still human. We have to do what feels good sometimes, don't we?

• Frasier : I expressed my distaste for the way I'd been treated, yes.

  Niles : Frasier, she rejected you in the most debilitating way a man can be rejected. You've got to more than "sort of" tell her how that felt.

  Frasier : Well, I can't just tell Diane how awful she made me feel now! It's a distant memory for her. I'd feel weak!

  Niles : You have no reason to feel weak. You've moved on in your life too. You have a new career, new wealth, new success. You simply need closure in this one area.

  Frasier : You know, what you just said made a lot of sense.

  Niles : You're going to get closure.

  Frasier : No, that business about my success! I tuned you out after that.