Frasier (TV Series)

The Show Where Diane Comes Back (1996)

David Hyde Pierce: Dr. Niles Crane

Quotes 

• [Frasier interrupts Niles's psychiatric session with a client, Mr. Carr] 

  Frasier : [horrified]  She's back, the scourge of my existence!

  Niles : Strange, I usually get some sign when Lilith is in town: dogs forming into packs, blood weeping down the wall.

  Frasier : [horrified]  I'm talking about... Diane Chambers!

  Niles : [to the intercom]  Lucille, send Mr. Carr home.

• [after Frasier runs across town and bursts into one of Niles's sessions] 

  Niles : [writing]  Well, why do you think you reacted that way?

  Frasier : Oh, spare me the psychiatrist bit, Niles! That includes putting down the pad!

  [Niles lays his pad on the desk] 

  Frasier : In the drawer, Niles!

  Niles : [complies]  Fine. My first question to you is this: are you still in love with her?

  Frasier : [shoots up from his chair and paces the office]  No! Not in the least! It's a ridiculous suggestion!

  Niles : Seeing as I have nowhere to write the phrase "classic denial," I'll move on...

• Diane Chambers : So there I was on the balcony of my Malibu beach house when a pod of whales passed by. I knew I had to commune with these gentle giants, so like a flash I was on the beach scrambling to my kayak. But cruel fortune interceded when not twenty yards offshore I suddenly discovered myself entangled in an enormous bed of, of, um...

  Niles : Sea kelp.

  Diane Chambers : Exactly right. Sea kelp.

  Martin Crane : Oh ho, that's funny. I thought he said "Seek help."

• Niles : [Frasier plans to flaunt his success in front of Diane]  I'd just like to be on the record as saying I'm against it.

  Frasier : Fine.

  Niles : You know the path that leads to peace with Diane and you're rejecting it.

  Frasier : Yes.

  Niles : I'm washing my hands of the entire matter.

  Frasier : Wouldn't miss it for the world though, would you?

  Niles : I'll be there at seven with a cheeky Bordeaux.

• [Diane's recollections of Maris] 

  Diane Chambers : Niles, do you remember the last time I was in town and we dined together? You had just started dating this woman, she was the queerest little creature...

  [accepts a glass of wine from Frasier] 

  Diane Chambers : Thank you. She ate everyone's sorbet, and then she had to lie down in the ladies' lounge while the coat-check girl massaged her abdomen!

  [she laughs loudly, then stops when she notices Frasier's uncomfortable look] 

  Diane Chambers : Oh, I hope I haven't put my foot in it. You and she didn't get married and live happily ever after, did you?

  Niles : No, can't say as we did.

• Niles : So, about this woman for whom you have so little feeling that you raced across town and burst into one of my sessions... is there any lingering resentment?

  Frasier : [shouting]  Over what?

  Niles : Well, she did leave at the altar. When you told her how that made you feel, was there anything you left unsaid?

  [Frasier looks away] 

  Niles : Any phrase or feeling you wished you had expressed to her?

  [Frasier looks away more] 

  Niles : I'm making the assumption here that you did tell her how you felt.

  Frasier : I sort of did.

  Niles : "Sort of" is another one of those phrases that just wants to go in my pad.

• Dr. Niles Crane : Now, Frasier, you know her better than I. Is that what she looks like when she's writhing in envy?

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Oh, shut up. All right, I admit you were right. Before she leaves here tonight, I am going to tell her how much pain she made me feel.

  [energetically sprinkling sugar on the cakes] 

  Dr. Frasier Crane : The savage truth this time-there will be no sugarcoating it! And yes, I am aware of the irony!

  [blows a puff in Niles's face] 

• Frasier : I expressed my distaste for the way I'd been treated, yes.

  Niles : Frasier, she rejected you in the most debilitating way a man can be rejected. You've got to more than "sort of" tell her how that felt.

  Frasier : Well, I can't just tell Diane how awful she made me feel now! It's a distant memory for her. I'd feel weak!

  Niles : You have no reason to feel weak. You've moved on in your life too. You have a new career, new wealth, new success. You simply need closure in this one area.

  Frasier : You know, what you just said made a lot of sense.

  Niles : You're going to get closure.

  Frasier : No, that business about my success! I tuned you out after that.