The Golden Girls (TV Series)

Bang the Drum, Stanley (1988)

Bea Arthur: Dorothy Zbornak

Photos 

Quotes 

• Rose : [on learning Sophia was not badly injured when hit by a baseball]  I knew she'd be OK. Something similar happened to me back in St Olaf: I was injured during a spirited game of Gowhackanoggin'.

  Dorothy Zbornak : Should I? Oh, what the hell. Rose, what is Gowhackanoggin'?

  Rose : It's a lot like baseball, except instead of hitting a ball, you whack yourself on the head. After ten whacks, if you're still standing, you take first base. It's usually a very low-scoring game.

• Dorothy Zbornak : I know Ma is faking. She is not really paralyzed.

  Rose : It's only natural for you to feel that way. At the Counseling Center, we learn that the first reaction to catastrophe is denial.

  Dorothy Zbornak : Rose, I am not in denial.

  Rose : Yes you are, you're just denying you're in denial.

  Dorothy Zbornak : Rose, I am not denying that I am in denial.

  Rose : If you're not denying you're in denial, then you're in denial.

  Dorothy Zbornak : Look, fluff-head: Why should I deny being in denial, when I never said I was in denial. *You* are the one who said I was in denial, and don't you deny it.

• Dorothy Zbornak : [Blanche and Rose are just coming home]  How did the auditions go?

  Rose : Great. Oh, you should have tried out, Dorothy. Everybody was really stinky. You might have gotten a part this year.

  Blanche Devereaux : Rose, don't be silly. Dorothy couldn't get a part. We're doing the award-winning musical "Cats". You have to be agile, graceful, and sensual.

  Dorothy Zbornak : You're right, Blanche. I mean, how could I possibly compete with you? I mean, you've given some of your best performances in back alleys.

  Blanche Devereaux : Dorothy Zbornak, I resent that remark. Have you been talkin' to Ed Tyler? That man has *such* a big mouth. Which reminds me. I oughta go give him a call.

  Stanley Zbornak : [later, after Sophia is injured by a fly ball at the baseball game, Stan comes by to check on her]  I just came from the hospital. They told me Sophia was discharged. Is she here?

  Dorothy Zbornak : No, I haven't taken her out of the trunk of the car yet.

  Stanley Zbornak : Oh, there you are, Sophia. Are you OK?

  Sophia Petrillo : Hey, I just spent two days in the hospital, naked under a sheet, with strange men inspecting my body with cold, metal instruments.

  Blanche Devereaux : Which reminds me, has Ed Tyler returned my call?

• Dorothy Zbornak : [at the baseball park]  Y'know, this must be my lucky day. I usually end up sitting next to a fat, sweaty man who insists on taking his shirt off.

  Dorothy Zbornak : [as she finishes speaking, a hefty man sits down next to her and takes off his shirt]  What kept you?

• Stanley Zbornak : [after Sophia's injury, Stan cooks up an insurance scam]  The doctor's coming.

  Dorothy Zbornak : What doctor?

  Stanley Zbornak : He's a friend of mine.

  Dorothy Zbornak : We're going to the hospital.

  Stanley Zbornak : Dorothy, this guy is good. He's probably the most learned, respected, important neurologist in the state of Florida.

  Blanche Devereaux : How'd you ever meet a man like that?

  Stanley Zbornak : We were judges at a wet T-shirt contest.

  Dorothy Zbornak : I'm calling the hospital.

  Stanley Zbornak : No, Dorothy, stop. Look, I - I really feel like this is all my fault. That's why I'm getting him. He's the best. And I'm gonna pay for it.

  Rose : [astonished]  You paying for something?

  Stanley Zbornak : What are you saying, I'm cheap?

  Dorothy Zbornak : Well, *of course* she's saying you're cheap. You're the only man I know who owns a time-share dog!

  Stanley Zbornak : [Sophia, buying into the scam, tells everyone a vision told her to trust Stan]  Y'see, babe, it's all part of the Big Guy's master plan. I am but a humble servant.

  Dorothy Zbornak : Mr Belvedere is a humble servant, Stanley. You're a horse's ass.

• Dorothy Zbornak : Hi, Ma. Whatcha doin'?

  Sophia Petrillo : Just lookin' through the old photo album. Boy, you were a cute kid.

  Dorothy Zbornak : Yeah, I was sorta cute. Oh, look, there I am at seven.

  Sophia Petrillo : An angel.

  Dorothy Zbornak : Here I am at eleven.

  Sophia Petrillo : Adorable.

  Dorothy Zbornak : Ahh, look, here I am at fifteen.

  Sophia Petrillo : The beginning of the end.